The Gays-they’re revolting! (And they’re mincing as well!)

Ah: homos. Mos. Flamers, queers, fags, friends of Judy. Whatever you want to call them it’s no doubt that they’re the shiniest, most fabulousisist (It’s a word!) and damn fine-looking people in all the land.

In my experience the two stereotypes in the centre are a myth.

We. Are. Breathtaking. And here is a quick column to prove why.

1) Despite poorly planned documentaries on C4 about gay families that make your gag reflex flare up again like it’s your first time at Jesus Camp we, mostly, never have children so never have to deal with a pack o’ brats stealing our hard-earned strippers and coke money. Nor do we overpopulate the world with our ill-mannered progeny who simply clutter what could be more space for shoes shops and over priced vegan cafes.

2) Gays are responsible for urban regeneration. Remember how back in the day everyone else had left city centres because…well, cos they were all a bit shit? Well thanks to us gay they’re BACK! And better than ever. They’re now full of overpriced vegan cafes and very spacious shoe shops. However you can’t blame us for Sex and the City. That may have been written by some flamin’ mo but the idea for it was aaaaall BREEDER.

3) Only American Gays would ever let themselves get fat*. Every time an emaciated teen comes out the NHS can let another kitten live.

4) We have all the best comedians (and comediennes). While the obese size 12 Martha and Arthur’s of the world are lounging around in their suburban bungalows with their aforementioned ill-mannered teenage progeny and their meatloaf and whatever other bad American blue-collar clichés I can think of, hootin’ and a hollerin’ to the like of Two and a Half Men and How I Met Your Mother WE were laughing at proper comedy. Such as Ab Fab and…and…um, French and Saunders….and, y’know.

5)  Imagine how badly decorated and badly dressed everyone would be without us, because let’s face it Trinny and Susannah can only do so much. Eventually they’ll need the Gays to step in, and while personally I despise Gok Wan and his inability to not dress like an overgrown sixteen year old skateboarder, he does this job perfectly.

6) Let’s face it; if it wasn’t for the gays rearing their perfectly coiffed head during them there Stonewall riots black people would never have achieved civil rights. It was only because Gays popped up that Arthur and Martha decided “Tanisha and Jamal are alright actually. Now let’s band together and make sure that Adam and Steve get rocks pelted at them!” And yet where’s our thanks? You’re welcome!

7) Nothing would get done if it wasn’t for the Gay Mafia. I mean even the Jews aren’t that efficient (too busy hiding from Mel Gibson these days).

8 ) We keep the Pop Music industry alive and kicking while all the heteros have decamped to RnB and Hip-Hop. But don’t think we won’t be holding it against them when they come crawling back after the Great Revolution occurs and all the Ghettos are burnt.

9) We judge and categorise ourselves so you lot don’t have to (though I notice without us, you lot are useless at doing it). Though this is mostly because 99% of Gay Men are vacuous, brain-dead idiots who think casual sex, campiness and Kylie are the three corners of the celestial triangle of all that matters in the world (Note: Not a real thing). It’s true: if you had a mass homo homicide the average IQ of most city centres would increase tenfold despite being decimated. In short:  gay men are idiots. If you were not aware of this then you too are possibly an idiot.

Or it could be the reason we judge and hate each other because we’re a diverse community with only one real thing in common. Much like Catholics and Child molesters.

10) Jesus was gay.

"Hey girl!"

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* This is a complete lie. Fat Fags are everywhere. Because self-respect is not valued in our society anymore. It’s true: Lindsay was our last great hope.

Or is this our Zenith?? Hmm decisions, decisions…

While we’re embracing The Gays we may as well squeal with joy at this because frankly this is my life. Also I want that scarf. Also I now quote everything in this scene.

Also is it wrong to think Dead Romeo is still hot? Also should we be congratulating a 14-year-old getting her freak on and probably getting knocked up? Oh, look at me being all moral and shit. Anyhoes like I give. Just laugh at her instead (Because she’s a stupid Bitch).

Humanity’s New Zenith (Well, this week’s one anyway)

I am totally moving to LA and hanging out in West Hollywood till I meet these two.

Movie Review: Inception – it’s not just the capital of Paraguay

Hola Chicos

So I went to see this movie- even though I wanted to go see Shrek Goes Forth. But I went to see it on my friend’s insistence and my friend is Northern so whenever she says anything in a stern tone of voice it scares me and I get the shakes. Okay, admission: I have the shakes most of the time but that’s for a different reason. Anyway here are my thoughts on this hot mess.

Mirror Mirror; who's the fairest of them all?

A) So no Shrek for this?

B) It’s very loud. I’m not sure if I’m getting old or if movies are just getting louder but it as really interrupting my power nap (I’d had long, hot, tiring day okay?).

C) So not-a-lesbian-just-butch-and-Canadian-chick-from-Juno is the second main character after I’m flying Jack Leo DiCaprio. Thank heavens she’s learnt to act a little. If I had to sit through another movie where she gets called “Fertile Myrtle” I’d cut a bitch. THEY DON’T EVEN RHYME.

D) Joseph Gordon-Levitt is going to ruin the waistcoats and well cut suit look. Remember how full length leather jackets were kind of cool and mysterious before The Matrix (Go with me here) and then people started imitating that movie and then we all realised that the type of people what wear them smell a bit and usually spend all their life at LAN parties? Yeah, well in 10 years time we’ll look at Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s hot little booty in them there well cut trousers and sigh with nostalgia at the pain it would go on to cause.

E) It’s one of those movies where the bad guys can’t aim but all the good guys could be aiming the guns up their own arses and still shoot ‘em dead every time.

F) There’s a mountain base/evil spy lab in the mountains where they run around in camouflage ski get-up. It all gets a bit James Bond does LSD at this point.

G) Michael Caine plays an Architecture professor at some prestigious looking Parisian university. It comes across more like Carry on up the Sorbonne if you ask me, but whatevs.

H) Oh, he’s also playing Jack from the Lower Decks father.  Make of this what you will.

I) They go to Mombasa and Tokyo. Points scored for geography lessons to Americans.

J) Cillian Murphy. I’ve nothing to say about this. Except…Cillian Murphy is still pretty. However the fact he never gets to use his own Irish accent in movies is A CRIME. A CRIME I tells ya. Though maybe it’s for our own safety. If he came on to the screen and was all “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya” or whatever Irish for hello is, the amount of en masse multiple orgasms could topple the globe off its axis and we’d all be fucked then as we spiralled through the galaxy all a loss because of some Gaelic Prick.

K)  Also since Cillian Murphy’s character was coming from Australia were we supposed to be believing that him and his Pops were some kind of Murdoch lite ripoff?  Or was it just a coincydink?

Aside from that the movie’s pretty lame. The SFX (is that the right lingo to use?) are pretty good but they don’t seem to setting the nerds a sweatin’ so there obviously not that new and shiny. Which is what you want for a movie like this-as essentially it is The Matrix: rejigged and tweaked a bit.

Go see it if you must. Just don’t expect it to be anything on a par with Antonio Banderas voicing an obese randy ginger cat. Oh, how you make me laugh.

Under my um-Bella, ella, ella, eh eh: My review of the movie known as ‘Eclipse’

Hola chico and chicoettes

Well today while on a mission to spread the gospel of fabulousness about the world (i.e. how to eat tangy cheese flavoured doritos while wearing white – the trick is to just hold the bag up to your mouth don’t say I never give you anything) I stumbled into the wonderful movie that is Twilight: Eclipse (or is just ‘Eclipse‘ or is it The Twilight Saga: Eclipse? Or is it just called Shit?)

Anyhoes I have blogged about my love/hate relationship with the spawn of the Mormon lady and her frigid abstinent loins before but let’s forget EVERYTHING and focus solely on the movie and it’s efforts independently of the books.

Rihanna's latest album cover?

Wow. It’s shit. It’s not even shit in the good way though. There are no moments of terrible Mocklaliciousness like there are in Twilight Saga: Twilight I and Twilight: Miami-y’know what I mean: Like in Twilight: SVU when Alice has her vision and there’s a scene of Eddie McSideburns (they are so distracting) and Rihanna II (spousal abuse, whether it be physical or psychological is never funny. Except when it is) are running through the forest in all white…sort of side by side for no apparent reason than obviously the director wanted to punish RPattz and KStew (yes, those are their official titles. They are up there with JLo and MCy – ohmigodwhyaren’twecallingherthatyet??). So anyway, there’s none of that.

However, there’s none of Bella going ‘oh mi godz there’s a hole in my heart because my boyf gave me the beatdown on the way to the grammys gone done left me’ which she did through all of Twilight: The Empire Strikes Back – so that is refreshing. But there’s also more Edward and ye gods he is awful.

Anyway so taking this newfound sense of shame the movies seemed to have developed into account what actually happens? Well! For the three of you who ain’t read the books and had your special bathtimes about it The Artist Formerly Known as Bella is about to graduate High School, while trying to get into Edward’s pants as well as fend off his marital advances. And then evil Victoria is all like ‘Oh yeah, I hate you. Let’s dance beyotch.’ Oh, and Jacob’s all like ‘I’m 5″7 and have issues about this and oh, yeah if you kill her/turn her sparkles on I WILL HAVE YOU. Not in a gay way. In a manly violent blood and guts way… Bitch.’ They have a battle, Dakota Fanning takes out her issues. Bella and Chris Brown go back to the meadow and get all gooey. Das End.

Also: Jacob doesn’t take his shirt off nearly as much. Fail. The guy from that shitty Australian surfer movie (Newcastle-it’s on  Youtube: there’s nudity. I recommend) is a surprisingly decent actor and good-looking.

That's him bottom right. He does NOT look like this in Eclipse

Victoria for all the way they built it up in the second movie is only in about 3 scenes. I can’t remember if this is how it goes down in the books but it’s totally lame cos that bitch is psychotic amazingness in Twilight and the Chamber of Secrets.

Howevs. they did keep in Rosalie and Jasper’s flashback so that’s fun.

And my last comment on the movie is this: Why do they make Bella dress like a lesbian? I know in the book she dresses like a lesbian, and KStew is all up in the rug munching grizzle but seriously…couldn’t they have based her wardrobe on say…Megan Fox or something?

Anyway. It’s the last one I’ll ever watched now that I know they’ve axed the birth scene from Breaking Dawn. Which is blasphemous. SMeyer is not amused.

The Lament of the Lesbian Lohan

Oh, Lindsay!

Words are not necessary here.

How could this happen to you? You are the bright ginger star in Hollywood’s universe!

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I’m not sure how I can go on. The knowledge that my beloved washed up New Jersey crackwhore will be sitting in the slammer having to shield her pale, freckled skin from the harsh sunlight in the prison yard (with no cigarette bespectacled Madame Gaga to aid her) and having to avoid getting shanked in the showers, it cruelly tugs at my blackened heart-strings.

Yes, yes she’s a drunken pox on our society and she really should have shown a bit more class about the whole situation from the beginning rather than going ‘Nyah, nyah, nyah I’m a celebrity so you can’t send me to jail (copyright Paris Hilton)’. But how was she to know that the evil homophobic, anti semitic Judge (re; her new girlfriend) would lash out against her.

The only hope we have now is that someway, somehow…VH1 manages to get in there and make a reality TV show about it. Actually, I hope MTV does  it. Because then Snooki could come drop by. And maybe get into a girlfight where she gets punched. Ohmigod, that would be amazing. In fact this could be brilliant. Lindsay could take over the prison with promises of Sapphic goodies and connections to the best drug dealers in California. She’d whip that shit into shape faster than you could say ‘parole for good behaviour’. Oh, Lindsay, not only are you an amazing actress but you are the most fabulousest (it’s a word, SHUTTUP) prison queen bitch there ever was.

All hail the ginger.

The Wire: The cause and effect of white flight. In one easy package.

Hola bitches

Because I’m a bitter drunk with too much time on my hands I often entertain myself forming lists of things I dislike for no other reason that it’s this, or I go out and make friends and have meaningful relationships. Ew. Those give you cancer.

So here are my reasons for why the TV show The Wire is the worst excuse of a cop show. EVAH. Actually it’s not, it’s surprisingly well done. But there are certain elements of the show and its fans that will send you into spasms of self-righteousness. You’ll notice my own particular reasons for hating the show take on a theme…

A) I hate Dominic West. I hate his face, his faux cockney accent, the real accent he has when everyone found out he went to Eton and he was able to revert back to it. I hate that he actually came out in support for the Tory party. I despise all the Eton educated actors actually; him; Damian Lewis (the ginger from Life– which was a far worse: a quirky detective show. Kill me with shovel). It’s nothing particularly personal against Mr. West. It’s just everything he is and represents. I’m sure he has a lovely personality.

Look at him. Bein' all hot and doable. Twerp.

B) Idris Elba is a terrible actor. True good ol’ Stringer Bell was fine. However on the back of his cult status on The Wire the BBC, in all its infinite wisdom, gave him his own show back in London Town. Oy vey. Did you see it? It was tres horrible. Granted, Luther knew it was OTT and ridiculously melodramatic and made no bones about it. Good. However, there are other more talented actors –particularly black actors who never even get a look in for a leading man part usually- who deserved the role more than Elba does. The only redeeming factor of this was the psychotic murdering scientist Luther befriended-she was FABULOUS! In short because of this pretentious crap we are now getting lowbrow crap being spewed out on us.

Twat. I mean, I still would...but y'know. I wouldn't be able to look at myself the next day.

C) The people who watch The Wire are annoying, middle class, yuppie tossers. Y’know the sort-they grew up in suburbia, know about two non-white people and once went to ‘the ghetto’ for a laugh. They will go on and on about the show at a party but then walking home will cross the road to avoid the black guy walking down the street towards them. In short, these naive, hypocritical cunts who wouldn’t have gotten anywhere in life if it wasn’t for mummy and daddy paying for university and giving them a deposit on a house think they know shit about shit now just because they watch this show. They don’t. And they need to fuck off.

D) Have you ever been to The Guardian Website? If not go, it’s probably the best online news source you can get. Trouble is it’s full of self-hating British TV reviewer openly fan-wanking over this show in some sort of perverse boarding school circle jerk flashback (I’m guessing here). Anyway, these reviewers who have spent their whole life with the wonders of the BBC and television that is not actually complete shit on their doorstep now like nothing better than to rant and rave about how British TV is the pits and we should worship to The Gods of American TV. Except they don’t seem to understand one important factor-American Television: Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, CSI: Miami. American CABLE Television: The Sopranos, Deadwood, Six Feet Under. See the difference? You may have to think about it but you’ll eventually understand. These dimwits from whatever shithole suburb of Lower Upperdownshire are failing to recognise the difference. Personally I would like to take them to New Zealand. A country where they think a documentary on conjoined twins, a farming show and a seven-year old repeat of a bad Australian ‘cop’ show is a GREAT night’s telly. If they survive this and yet still are left yearning for more cerebral content from the BBC, etc, THEN and only then should they ever be allowed to complain about how inferior it is to US shows. In short The Wire fans are wankers and deserve death. By any means. I’m not picky.

E) Changing tack completely though, the show isn’t all bad. I LOVE the idea of it representing all the different seedy elements of Baltimore’s cityscape. I love shows with spiralling casts and a saga-like feeling to them. I completely agree that on this level the show itself is a great piece of work and deserves recognition. I wouldn’t go as far to say it’s the greatest TV show of all time (that as we all know is actually Dawson’s Creek. And anyone who disagrees will get shanked) but for what it’s achieved on its miniscule budget, and frankly, the fact that it got commissioned at all considering how damning it was to just about every aspect of American society, not to mention it’s a truly novel and weird concept for a TV show in the eye of network executives, it deserves kudos. However, for giving every middle class white guy in the western world with an office job and a broadband connection the right to think they know the inner workings of drug dealers and urban poverty it does need to be shot.

F) However, another thing. I read an interview with several of the cast members where they spoke about how directors and producers were unsure how to do scenes where the black characters were interacting with their children. And had to ask…do black men kiss their children good night? Do they hug them? Yes. You may want to re-read that sentence as I was shaking my head so much when I wrote it may not make sense. And yes they were asking this in the 21^st century. If only Obama had been elected 8 years earlier….It’s depressing in a multi cultural, and frankly sickeningly patriotic, country like America the races know so little about each other. You’re all American after all. You only ever speak to each other (Occasionally you mock a Canadian or beat up a Mexican but the rest of the world doesn’t really exist. So what’s your excuse exactly?)

G) While I’m having  a heart attack at the thought of defending this show I may as well go a bit further and say this: I’m glad a police show (I loathe the word ‘cop’. Use it in my presence and bitches gonna get their weaves ripped out) finally got ‘real’ rather than doing endless episodes where attractive, wealthy, suburban white people murder each other. It’s not realistic. Obviously white people do murder each other. But the attractive people do not. Let’s be honest, most murders do occur…well, to poor people. Obese, gap-toothed, unemployed, drug addicted, un-educated, four-kids-to-five-different-men (I’ve seen it happen) types. Those people who live in McMansions and drive SUVs to pick up Victoria and Sebastian from their private school are not often found bludgeoned to death by an angry spouse high on Crystal meth in a trailer park. No, the reasons murders in the suburbs are a ‘Ooo, how intriguing and scandalous’ fetish for crime show writers is because they actually, do happen so rarely and IT IS actually still a scandal when it happens in real life. Murders in the ghetto are not. Because they do actually happen (Yes, I’m looking at you The Mentalist).

The only one of these terrible mass audience schlock type US network dramas which does occasionally show that people what do murder each other are in fact usually the slight less stable, less intelligent sectors of society is NCIS. Yes, that show has a redeeming factor (other than the bitchy Israeli woman. I secretly love her.) in that most of its murderers are hick, hillbilly uneducated soldiers from a rednecks ‘r’ us emporium somewhere in West Virginia. All the soldiers are presented to only be in the Navy for the free healthcare, benefits, pensions, education and patriotism, that can go fuck itself. Also, they are all unstable and only ever out to make a quick buck. They always seemed to be getting deaded while up to no good a-scamming and a-scheming. For a show which at times defends Guantanamo Bay and would give Fox News and awkward bulge in its trousers, it’s decidedly realistic to the poor shmucks who are actually finding themselves getting blown up in Iraq and Afghanistan.

And thus ends my rant on The Wire…which had more tangents than Kate Moss trying to recount what she did the night before. But alas, it was to be as the show brings out such a high level of bile in me that distracts me from the bigger picture. That picture being this: The Wire is a good show. Sort of. But just don’t ever become an actual fan of it. Because then you deserve to die. Oh, God, do you deserve it.