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August Book Club

Posted by idetest on August 4, 2011

We’re diving back  into the world of fiction

 

The Painted Veil, Somerset Maugham.

Predictable,  a tad trite and obviously terribly racist. Yet, still tense and wonderfully evocative of a different time.

 

The Gate of Angels, Penelope Fitzgerald.

Posh English Edwardians being all posh, Englishy and Edwardianesque. One’s ma mere recommended me this lady, she’s witty and wise (Ms. Fitzgerald that is; my mother is only semi-lucid, and chain smokes herself out of consciousness) and draws a rich tapestry of life and all its foibles without being depressing or annoying.

 

Innocence, Penelope Fitzgerald.

A twofer! This book was even nicer; set in a rapidly changing Florence in postwar Italy, the books follows the love affair and eventual marriage of a young half-English aristocrat (in the historical sense) and an embittered, chip-on-his-shoulder type doctor from the south, and like the previous it’s witty, wise and dances a highwire between depressingly maudlin and pedantic and beautiful in its languid melodrama.

 

Dead Souls, Nikolai Gogol.

Very long, very Russian. And once again I find one of the classics overhyped. A sprawling essay on the different types of humanity one sees in the world.  Or a sanctimonious, arch piece of drivel that mocks and slanders the fine Russian name. Or something. It was long. I’m still recovering.

 

The Sacred Book of the Werewolf, Victor Pelevin.

A book about a humanoid 5,000 year old fox prostitute who bangs werewolves and spend 300 pages discussing the meaning of life in increasingly confusing philisophical rants. It’s Russian as well, unsurprisingly.

 

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Book review of the Month Time (Oprah would be proud)

Posted by idetest on June 5, 2011

As I sit here listening to the rain and listening to Lily Allen (huh. My Indie street cred is diminished, you say? What. Ever. Trevor.) after returning from Pirates of The Caribbean 444678.31357 (AKA The One Even Orlando Bloom Thought He Was Too Good For. Orlando Bloom, people!) I’m reminded that all is not lost for humanity.

Dracula, Bram Stoker

Oh, wait. How wrong I was. Remember how back in my last book review I said how much I was looking forward to reading this? Famous last words. This book is SHITE. Avoid it like the plague. In fact it avoid more than the plague. The plague is like a light sniffle that is annoying but not too bad compared to this piece of. Utter. Shite.

Okay, so technically the first fifty-hundred pages aren’t that bad. But then old Van Helsing arrives. Worst literary character ever. His gushing, cloying, OTT dialogue makes you want to stick razorblades on your eyes and drink a vat of acid. He irritated the living shit out of me.

The rest of it’s shit too.

It’s all shit.

Everything is shit.

I hate everything.

Ahem.

 

The Girl Who God Only Knows What by that twit Stieg Could-I-Have-A-More-Stereotypical-Scandinavian-Surname-Larsson

The third and final one in the trilogy. Yeah…he should have kept it a twofer. Or even better, a stand alone.

Cos…y’know, it’s alright to have the irritatingly noble and perfect good guys win but when you can tell from the fucking beginning of the book that the bad guys will lose! LOSE! Lose for all they’re worth and have no hope of pulling off their master plan it sort of diminishes the dramatic tension.

Also, why kill the two big baddies who seems to have instigated the grand conspiracy plot that is the whole point of the last two book a hundred pages in and then tell us it’s actually one of their sidekicks who’s a cripple and who only appears in two scenes and barely has a word of dialogue until the last few chapters (Seriously! He just disappears and we don’t know what he’s up to! Despite being the big baddie!)

And, yes, he does this again with the OTHER big baddy who disappears for literally the ENTIRE book up until the last chapter where he once again succumbs to a five foot tall bisexual punk ano. SERIOUSLY!?

Also-middle aged author avatar strikes again and bangs a lesbianalicious seeming government/special services police officer despite the fact that she seems a sensible and strictly professional type of lass who should know that shagging an investigative reporter not to mention one who’s high profile and is coming to you for help to uncover a massive government conspiracy is probably not someone you should be hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing with after two scenes.

ALSO (I like this word apparently) main man’s bit on the side (remember how all the women are highly sexualised but none of the men. Even the main character who seems to go around with a permanent semi) is all upset and despite that the police officer is instantly smitten with him and declaring herself all Bella Swanesque irrevocably in love with him after two chapters she is all “Well, I drove out his wife and lots of other women so I’ll keep my distance, muhaha. Bitch. Now excuse me I have to go get stalked by a crazed loner and have a conversation with my poor husband who doesn’t mind me shagging everything that moves, consenting or otherwise, and who only has one scene in the book.”

Ugh.

Colour me unimpressed.

A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian, Marina Lewycka

Loved this. Well, what’s not to? Bickering Slavic immigrants? Overly embosomed (totes a word.) gold digging blondes, aged geriatrics wearing shoe lace pyjamas and a harrowing tale of how a family escaped Eastern Europe after WWII complete with a flashback to a concentration camp near the end, that made this hard hearted “I Hate everything, especially small children, and I kick bunnies for fun” bastard NEARLY cry on the tube.

S’very funny, too. You should read.

And I know I said I hated him but am going to read The Painted Veil by Somerset Maugham next. It better be good, cause God help me I’ve had a rough time of the literary business lately.

 

 

 

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Bookie Wookies (Without Russell Brand of course)

Posted by idetest on May 7, 2011

Hola, book review time! Here’s what I’ve read over the past couple of months

Of Human Bondage, W. Somerset Maugham.

I’ve loved some of his other stuff that I’ve read-Cakes and Ale is one of my favourite books of all time- but this prolonged vanity exercise in how to depress your reader and infuriate them with your protagonist’s backboneless buffoonery has led me to have to quit good ole Maughy. It’s also supposed to be all but a memoir of his twenties. Ye gads, no wonder he buggered off to the south of France. Wouldn’t you?

Still want to read The Painted Veil though. Not even a movie version with Naomi Watts in it could dampen my enthusiasm for that.

The Girl Who Played With Fire, Stieg Larsson

Oh, those Swedes! I bought the first one in the series last year because it was on cheap, got a little addicted and read it in two days. Then did the same with this one. It’s still a crime thriller but it definitely counts as a good one. Howevs one cannot say one enjoys reading about a protagonist who is loosely based on the author getting his end away with every woman he meets because there’s some sort of animal magnetism about a commitment phobe divorced serial adulterer journalist in his mid forties. Also the female lead character is bisexual and we get never ending scenes with her and her lesbian lover having muff fun in the first half before he remembers to start the action. Also, all other female characters seem to have their sex lives explained to us but not the male characters. Which is odd.

Also, Sweden is commonly regarded as a utopia (Albeit a cold one). And yet apparently it’s corrupt from top to bottom with a completely useless social services and healthcare system that couldn’t get itself out of a wet paper bag. But que sera and all that jazz. This is a crime thriller after all.

Mapp and Lucia, E.F. Benson

Camper than a row of pink tents with a bunch of gay guys on poppers having sex in them while Kylie and Lady Gaga run around outside having a diva-off. Funny, fluffy, fun.

Vile Bodies, Evelyn Waugh.

I hate Stephen Fry. I hate Catholicism. I hate Brideshead Revisited. I hate spoofs and satire when they go overboard and fall into the eye-rolling silliness and farce category.

Put all these things together and you’ll understand why I skimmed several parts of this book. Interesting subject matter. Badly, badly executed.

Have also read some Brontë but words cannot bring themselves to discuss it. Am currently reading the third and final instalment of the Swedish lesbian tale as well. Also about to start on Bram stoker’s Dracula which I’m really looking forward to.

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Neither Fair Nor Accurate

Posted by idetest on March 31, 2011

The previous post was a list of 100 books that the BBC has compiled which it thinks everyone should read but estimates that most will read on a very few of.

Naturally it has been on facebook. And naturally my computer skills failed me so that’s why this post in two parts.

Also I only gotl ike 25.  Though this was totes because I had seen so many of them as movies or….as BBC adaptations. See, it’s shooting itself in the foot. It’s own, smug contemptuous foot.

How many have YOU read?

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List, List, List

Posted by idetest on March 31, 2011

1
Jane Austen
2
JRR Tolkien
3
Charlotte Bronte
4
JK Rowling
5
Harper Lee
6
Various
7
Emily Bronte
8
George Orwell
9
Philip Pullman
10
Charles Dickens
11
Louisa M Alcott
12
Thomas Hardy
13
Joseph Heller
14
William Shakespeare
15
Daphne Du Maurier
16
JRR Tolkien
17
Sebastian Faulk
18
JD Salinger
19
Audrey Niffenegger
20
George Eliot
21
Margaret Mitchell
22
F Scott Fitzgerald
23
Leo Tolstoy
24
Douglas Adams
25
Fyodor Dostoyevsky
26
John Steinbeck
27
Lewis Carroll
28
Kenneth Grahame
29
Leo Tolstoy
30
Charles Dickens
31
Mark Twain
32
Jane Austen
33
Jane Austen
34
CS Lewis
35
Khaled Hosseini
36
Louis De Bernieres
37
Arthur Golden
38
AA Milne
39
George Orwell
40
Dan Brown
41
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
42
John Irving
43
Wilkie Collins
44
LM Montgomery
45
Thomas Hardy
46
Margaret Atwood
47
William Golding
48
Ian McEwan
49
Yann Martel
50
Frank Herbert
51
Stella Gibbons
52
Jane Austen
53
Vikram Seth
54
Carlos Ruiz Zafon
55
Charles Dickens
56
Aldous Huxley
57
Mark Haddon
58
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
59
John Steinbeck
60
Vladimir Nabokov
61
Donna Tartt
62
Alice Sebold
63
Alexandre Dumas
64
Jack Kerouac
65
Thomas Hardy
66
Helen Fielding
67
Salman Rushdie
68
Herman Melville
69
Charles Dickens
70
Bram Stoker
71
Frances Hodgson Burnett
72
Bill Bryson
73
James Joyce
74
Dante
75
Arthur Ransom
76
Emile Zol
77
William Makepeace Thackeray
78
AS Byatt
79
Charles Dickens
80
David Mitchel
81
Alice Walker
82
Kazuo Ishiguro
83
Gustave Flaubert
84
Rohinton Mistry
85
EB White
86
Mitch Albom
87
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
88
Enid Blyton
89
Joseph Conrad
90
Antoine De Saint-Exupery
91
Iain Banks
92
Richard Adams
93
John Kennedy Toole
94
Nevil Shute
95
Alexandre Dumas
96
William Shakespeare
97
Roald Dahl
98
Victor Hugo
99
Charles Dickens
100
Evelyn Waugh

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Books I Read in 2010 (Belated. Also Catchy, Descriptive and Somewhat Mysterious Title, No?)

Posted by idetest on January 17, 2011

In list form. Because it’s my blog so you can just fuck off. In no chronological or any type of other order.

Judging me for having a short list? How am I supposed to remember what I read last January? What am I? A fucking housewife with a book club? Go fuck yourself (Besides, some of dem books is well long).

Also have you not seen how much time I spend watching TV? And going to see lame Hollywood mainstream movies. And drinking. And worrying about how much I weigh. And working 507 hours a week for minimum wage.

  • Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte). What is this shit? I wasted my time reading this for what? So I could understand Twilight better. Give me strength. Also Yorkshire accents are extremely hard to understand when written in dialect. Especially when in your head you can’t stop reading it in a Jamaican accent (It was all the apostrophes).
  • Les Liaisons dangereuses/Dangerous Liaisons (Choderlos de Laclos). It’s alright…epistle type books usually require one to use one’s brain. Especially when written in the eighteenth century. One can’t say one enjoyed this on one’s morning tube journey.
  • The Prisoner of Zenda (Anthony Hope). I dare you not to laugh.
  • The Yiddish Policeman’s Union (Michael Chabon). I thoroughly recommend this book. But then, my love for the Juden knows no rationality or bounds…
  • Without Warning (Will Napier). A tacky thriller. Do not judge me. Also, plot made no sense.
  • Girl with a Dragon Tattoo (Stieg Larsson). I read it. I can’t see what the big deal is. It was a perfectly adequate thriller/crime thing which had pretensions of being a searing socially realistic and eye opening work on the plight of women in Sweden. Howevs. A) Sweden is probs. the most equal and fair country in the world. Suck it up bitches. Also B) the main characters is a womaniser himself…and the female lead is bisexual (but mostly lesbian who is sleeping with a woman at the start) who JUST CAN’T RESIST HIS MANLINESS. Huh.

  • Washington Square (Henry James). Life is too short for this much morally outdated rubbish. Okay, it’s not that bad. Okay, it is. No, it isn’t. It’s just depressing and quite drawn out. Also the characters make you want to bang your head against a wall.

  • This Breathing World (Jose Luis De Juan) A pretentious crossover between ancient Rome and Harvard. It’s also basically gay porn in highbrow prose. Go figure.
  • The Night my Bum Dropped (Gretel Kileen). My flatmate, who was Australian, leant it to me. Therefore I am excused. Also Gretel Kileen is awesome. And she could kick Davina McCall’s arse.

  • Under western Eyes (Joseph Conrad). This was a book I was supposed to read at university which I never quite got around to doing. I read it over Christmas. Can’t say I regretted my decision from university. Boyfriend’s editor should’ve gone slash and burn on that motherfucker cos it is some seriously DRAWN OUT shit. It’s not bad, just fucking DENSE.

  • Official Book Club Section (Kathy Griffin). Catholics, alcoholism, gays, plastic surgery…I’m not embarrassed to own this book.

  • Are You There Vodka, It’s Me Chelsea? (Chelsea Handler). She’s an alcoholic…the book’s title’s a pun…on Judy Blume…gettit? Ugh.

  • My Horizontal Life (Chelsea Handler) I really like female comedians, okay?

  • New Moan (Stephfordy Mayo). A hilarious parody.

  • Scoop (Evelyn Waugh). A satirical swipe at pre war British journalism…and the British Empire. Apparently there’s a film adaptation with Woody Allen out there somewhere. Yeesh. Can’t say I’d race to track that down.

  • Sanditon (Jane Austen). I stole it from work. Can’t say I was overawed.

  • The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald).  This is considered a great American classic? Um.., it’s a grand total of four pages long.  And nothing happens until the last half a page.

  • Tender is the Night (F. Scott Fitzgerald). However this novel is an epic, depressing work of beauty and restraint which will have you reaching for either a tissue or a xanax. I want a movie and I want it now.

  • Daisy Miller (Henry James). Another one of these books that’s about four pages long and makes no sense as to how it’s so acclaimed. Slutty girl gets pneumonia and dies. Everyone goes I told you so. Narrator feels bad. Still thinks she was a slut who got what she deserved.

There may be more to come. I can’t remember now.

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Harry Potter. What a gimp. I’d do him though.

Posted by idetest on June 5, 2010

I write this as a favour to a dear friend. A friend who since becoming a Law student has seen her ego inflate to an extent that she thinks she can boss me around like some kind of finely coiffed Hispanic house-boy/generic minion

Anyway today we shall be discussing the greatest story of our time and possibly of all time (no not Jersey Shore which has its own category of awesomeness): Harry Potter

Now let’s get one thing straight first: I think J.K. Rowling is the shit. I think she’s at a high level of fabulosity that only the likes of Joanna Lumley, the Golden Girls (RIP Rue McLanahan), Kathy Griffin, French & Saunders and a handful of others can ever get to.

Think about; she’s nearly 50 and she still rocks the cleavage like a streetwalker on a good night; she’s ginger and she works it; she was a single mother who had to deal with poverty, the UK welfare system (don’t ever, ever have to go near them or else you may die), and is still a proud Socialist and Labour party supporter. Girlfriend is also pretty much bankrolling every charity going and acts like their bloody personalised ATM. And yet still she’s a squgillionaire and could buy a medium-sized country without having to check her balance first (and still drop by Harrods on the way home).

For all these things I salute her.

But back to my point; let’s get it clear as well-the movies and the books are two very different things and should not be compared. You can try to but it’ll hurt your head. I know some ho’s get all bitter because they left out the MOST IMPORTANT SCENE IN THE BOOK!!!!!!!1!!!!! Every damn time there’s a new movie. OMGZ For fuck’s sake! Deal. Unless you want the movie to be 18 hours long.

That said let’s not pretend the movies are….well, anything other than fantasy razzamatazz; Daniel Radcliffe, while seeming like a cool guy (he supports the Lib Dems, has spoken out against homophobia and bullying in schools. And he is a Jew. Always a plus.) is not the greatest actor in the world. He tries, bless him but let’s hope he’ll be so wealthy he can retire once these movies are done.

Rupert Grint is less famous and therefore I know shit all about him; but he did that movie with Julie Walters called Drivin’ Miss Daisy’s Lessons or something which people I know saw and said was good. Kudos to him. But still; half his scenes are him going “Bloody Hell” (Solely to amuse the Americans obvs.). I know there’s the old adage that actors are only as good as the scripts they are given but seriously; he’s Ron motherfucking Weasley. If he don’t want to say it …the director ain’t going to make him. Some percentage of that is his own doing.

As for Emma Watson? I like her. I just…like her. She’s at Brown (Like Serena van der Woodsen was going to be! Coincidence? I think not.) And does her own thing most of the time, does her modelling from time to time. Seems to be normal.

And with that hair, I’m just waiting for her shampoo commercials in a few years. Also she should totally replace the awful girl on the Rimmel Ads who sounds retarded and is giving London a bad name. I don’t care if her last name is ‘Jagger’. Fire her. Hire Emma. Yes, the fact that she lives in America is a slight hurdle. We shall overcome.

And the rest of the cast: Alan Rickman? Fabulous. Maggie Smith? Amazing. Could she be anything else? Zoe Wanamaker, Imelda Staunton and Emma Thompson? V.g. The guy(s) who play(ed) Dumbledore? Shocking. Every scene is terrible. Rife with wooden dialogue that seem to be full of nothing but terrible clichés. Both times he has been played by famous and well-respected actors who could do better. They need to fix it. Oh wait he’s dead. Oh wait he’s in the 7th book. Fix it.

The actress who plays Mrs. Weasley annoys me as well. Though I’ve no idea why. I think it’s her voice. It sounds like she could be good if she had a screaming fit that she could give her all in. So hopefully she does Bellatrix Lestrange’s death with some panache.

The movies as a whole are fine. They get the job done. They are beautiful to look at and entertain. They get the main themes of each book in and show us Harry getting on with his life with the most coherent plot they can pick out amongst the tome of the books.

Howevs. I have always thought that they should be a TV series instead. Something should be made with British talent but American money and slick production values-much like the movies (I.e. NOTHING at all resembling Dr. Who. Oh God I hate you Dr. Who. Why won’t you just die?). I think an HBO version would be ace.

It wouldn’t be too hard and I’m sure it’ll happen eventually so why not do it now to appease me? Every book could be a season of 5-6 episodes (the longer books obviously being more like 10-12) which is the average length of a BBC series anyway. And yes the cast would have to be different to work with the ages but you could probably get away with doing only 3 different ones; one for books 1 & 2 when they were v. lil. Another for books 3-5 when they was ‘teens wiv issues’. And a third for the final two when they could have some SEXY young studs and babes to be all SEXY and help the ratings pick up again. SEXILY.

With this length they can flesh out all the other characters better; we can see more of the Ministry of Magic and Voldemort’s former reign of terror instead of having to rely on people telling Harry things or other plot devices to get information across. And we, as fans, get to immerse ourselves in more and squeee for all we’re worth.

NOW for the books.

One thing I dislike is the obvious moment in book 5 (or in book 4…maybe it isn’t so obvious) when JK Rowling went “Shit. These things are too popular for just kids anymore. I have to appease fucking everyone. Cack-I need a drink.” and thus tried to merge a children’s book level of fantasy and stock character’s with young adult levels of angst and Sci-Fi/Fantasy style convoluted plotlines. It was messy and felt awkward having characters like the Durlsey’s (who may as well have had “CLICHED VILLIANS #1-3 splashed across their heads) mixing in with all the UST (that’s unresolved sexual tension who don’t  read the Soap Opera pages in your weekly TV schedules) of Harry and Ron, Sirius and Lupin and Hermione and Ginny (What? You didn’t pick up on what was really going on?) and the gory violence and death …and shit.

Aside from that major piece of unavoidable messiness Rowling managed to keep herself out of the shit mostly. A few other pieces though

  • What the fuck was Sirius’s lame ass death all about? A mirror/curtain (I can’t remember. I’ve been drinking) shit in some room? Eh? That bitch should have died screaming and bleeding his guts out on the floor somewhere. There should have been blood and ass and guns and hookers and blow and everything else that makes a death scene worth its own shit. No. Harry’s sole guardian and his beloved father figure and last remaining link to his Mummy and Papa dies from a piece of wayward furniture from Briscoes (Actually that device I bet is how the Briscoes lady doesn’t age. Think about it.) getting all uppity. FAIL.
  • Women’s roles: Um. Ok Ms Rowling you’re trying to appeal to young boys because they, when you were starting this, were who read these things. But um…yeah. In several instances you write that all the girls start screaming when something scary happens in the classroom. I know you taught in a rundown Scottish comprehensive school for a while so you were probably writing from experience of dealing with teenage girls…but where I’m from all the girls were psycho bitches who would shank a bitch with a sharpened ruler quick as look at you. Except if there was a cockroach…

That said you do give Bellatrix Lestrange, Tonks, Mrs Weasley a few other female characters their own moments of badassery but still it pales in comparison into the sausage fest of violence you usually give us. And what of Harry always having to save the girl? Cho, Ginny, Hermione? I’m sure at some point he saves them all (The 40 and the seven double shots of strawberry vodka are kicking in. I lie. I don’t drink gay shit like that. I just had the strawberry vodka.).

Anyway what I’m saying is that for the most part most of the female characters never get off the ground or never make it past the children’s book clichés they started as; except those introduced in the last few books. FAIL.

  • Percy. What the fuck? I may have ranted about stock characters already (spot who did drama at school) but this tool annoys me. His entire purpose of existence is as a plot device. Annoying. As are the older two Weasley brothers. At least they serve a purpose later on but Percy’s role which could become important towards the end or at least used for some dramatic impact isn’t. Weird. FAIL
  • The whole ‘we already know about Voldemort’s split his soul up. Didn’t you read book 2?’ thing that was paved over in the last book. Not quite a fail but a ‘hmm’ and a chin rub.
  • So…Malfoy was evil but he got away with it? Chin rub and an eyebrow rise.
  • The flashback scenes. Particularly those with that goddamn ho of a pensive. Wtf? That shit bored me to tears. Some were good (let’s meet Voldemort as a boy! Ah! He’s scarier than Damian. Let’s met him again as a teenager…hello-who done got their sexy on?) but some were fucking awful and were simply impossible to write in any other way for the plot I understand. Hopefully a TV show (hint!) could rectify this. An eye roll and a swig from a bottle of something-hell, maybe a fail.

This all said and done though I still fucking loved these books. When I was young I’d have sold my mother into white slavery for a chance to go to Hogwarts for a day. Which would have been all the time the slave traders would have been able to bear my mother for so that’d be good timing. But still Sookie didn’t meet Vampire Bill till she was 25. There’s still time…

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This makes my blood boil

Posted by idetest on June 3, 2010

Other things:

62. Twilight. There are many reasons to hate this next entry; my reasons are not particularly complicated and are as follows:

Goodness me, remember when this came out? How we laughed...

A) Stephanie Meyer is a Mormon. Mormons are intrinsically evil and have caused death and destruction for the thousands of years they have wandered the deserts (plus they have horns and drink blood). Never mind that something ridiculous like a 1/3 of her income and of all other Mormons goes to the church, so every time a Nebraskan housewife takes a long relaxing bubble bath dreaming of Edward and going to her special place while reading Moonraker, or whatever the bloody title is Stephanie Meyer goes ‘Kaching!’, so does the Mormon church as well so now they can fund more anti-abortion campaigns, conversion therapy courses and of course lovely things such as Prop 8. Fuck you all. (Interesting the only acceptable Mormon is Meryl Streep in Angels in America.)

B) They are so appallingly written it’s embarrassing to be near it. Shit literature is not a new phenomenon and long may it continue, I say. The world needs it’s Mills and Boon and Jeffrey Archers to keep the masses content for their bath special time. However, when all you do is open your The saw us (as I’m sure she calls it) so she can come up with new words for ‘sparkly’ and ‘vibrator material’ you are too shit to be allowed to write.

C) They make feminist want to cry. I’m sorry, but the scene where Edward take out a part of Bella’s car engine so she can’t leave without his permission? The scene where her father congratulates Jacob for coming onto her EVEN AFTER SHE IS UPSET AND SLAPS HIM AND THEN NEARLY BREAKS HER HAND!??? What kind of Father…no, breathe.  (Never mind when I read it the first time I read it I was so sick of Edward I was like ‘Yes, let the ethnic minority ravage you and shut up about the whiny dead bastard).

This isn’t even mentioning the fact that she completely alienates herself from all her friends to be with him (but it’s ok because she was an outsider anyway who didn’t really enjoy having friends …so that’s normal) and doesn’t mind Edward being her sole focus in the world. Which is starting to sound like a made for TV movie plot about domestic violence. I can’t wait for Twilight book 5: Bella keeps walking into doors. In fact I’m sure at some point Edward does utter ‘you made me do this!’

D) She had Edward say he had to bite a pillow while having sex. Without knowing anything about how this could be taken. This woman needs to get out of New Mexico and meet some flamers.

E) The plot came to her in a dream after she’d been watching a TV show ( I believe it was Angel)…so she dreams of a story where a girl and a vampire can’t be together after watching a TV show where a vampire is upset because his one true love (a girl) and he cannot be together. Whether or not this is true I cannot be arsed googling. But still.

F) It gives all other Vampire shows and books a bad name. I’m sorry but I’m an unabashed fan of all things Vampire. When Buffy used to stake them in the Sunnydale cemetery on a school night? I was there. When Bill and Sookie had their first weird Wuthering Heights Cathy on the moors/Sookie in the bayou in a nightdress shagathon? I was there. When Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt were soooo gay for each other in the 90’s? I was there. When…well you get the picture.

G) Horrible awful geeky socially awkward 40 year old virgin types look down on pop culture because of it. While in the movies the other day a preview for Ellipsis or whatever it’s called (incidentally Meyer’s favourite writing ….technique) came on and they started laughing at it. How dare they laugh at something! They had tapered jeans on and ugly facial hair! Glasses! Long hair! A backpack while being in their 30’s! It’s destroyed the equilibrium.

H) The town of Forks, Washington is now going through a tourist boom. I have no idea why as because Meyer GOOGLED it. That was the extent of her research ‘Wot’s da rainiest place in real America? Nowhere where fags or blacks live. They don’t count’ so therefore the town is never mentioned in any detail. There is no mention of a town square, a main street, some local landmark, what the high school looks like, what Bella’s street looks like, NOTHING because Meyer had no idea. She mentions the nearby towns of La Push and Port Angeles. But we never hear of them in great detail either.

She spends more time describing Italy when they run off there for a few chapters than she does her main setting.  And has Jacob go to Seattle to try and pick up more teenage girls to join her cult of teen angst and mentions something about a mall if I recall correctly (I probably don’t. I drank to cope with these books.) For all of a page. That’s about as much detail as we get. She mentions mountains and forests a plenty. And meadows (Meyer loves a good meadow…there must be meadows in the bible). But nothing else.

I) Bella is an intellectual. She reads Jane Austen, loves Shakespeare and Wuthering Heights is her favourite novel. Because so many 17 year old girls who know shit about nothing and have to go live with their Republican (I’m guessing/projecting)fathers in Bumfuckvile are all about their dead 19th century novelists and renaissance era playwrights. Do they not get Glee in this place?

Also Bella hates TV if I remember through the bourbon induced haze. Ah, yes the only teenager in the world who does so. That’s probably why she’s so special she gets to be bitten by a fruity vajazzled (look it up) dead guy.

More will follow.

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