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Archive for October, 2010

Fantabulous: An unbiased movie review of Easy A

Posted by idetest on October 28, 2010

Slut. In the best possible way.

Hello chicos and all the transgendered possums who love them.

Okay, a few things In order to prepare you for the lovefest you are about to read:

1) I’ve made my love for this movie and Amanda Bynes clear in the past so deal.

2) It’s the school holidays here so obviously I had to deal with actual real live teenagers in the cinema as opposed to fake ones on-screen. Ew. Also I don’t think teenagers were getting many of the jokes.

But onwards and upwards.

Here is a quick rundown of the plot: Ginger stunner (hah!) Olive lives in her affluent suburban SoCal world with her parents and her adopted Afro-American brother (See, Angela Merkel multiculturalism does work you uptight right-wing bitch) and gossips with her slutty best friend. She makes up a lie she shagged some bloke and before you know it everyone, including Amanda Bynes (is that a halo I see?) and Phoebe from Friends is out for her blood.

Points of interest:

1) Very smart, ironic and meta humour. Referential to the teen genre. If you liked Mean Girls then you’ll love this. Also if you loved Mean Girls we should totes hang out. Call me.

2) Penn Badgely looks hot shirtless even when painted blue. This is good.

3) Amanda Bynes. Why aren’t you real life BFFs with Snooki and Lindsay? Oh, right, that’s why: because I’d die.

4) Hating on Christians and referring to them as Jesus Freaks and treating their faith as a disease? A-OK with me. As you were.

5) An honest look at America’s puritanical attitude to sex and how this works with its over-sexed money driven culture that revels in its own scandalousness? Yes, please.

6) American teenagers knowing what the word ‘twat’ means? I love you.

7) The gay guy goes all ‘It gets better’ on her to get her to shag ‘im? Ugh. Fair but not exactly original.

8  ) Did I mention that I had to go see this in a movie theatre packed with teenagers who I think were struggling with the jokes? I was the only person in the whole audience who laughed at a Judy Blume joke. I swear to god. Also I don’t think they got the references to Gone with the Wind and most seemed generally confused with her love of ’80s movies and John Hughes. Oy vey. What are they teaching in school these days? Is it seriously all Miley Cyrus and Twilight? Is nothing else getting through?

9)  Mark Twain references as well. And mocking of Demi Moore. It just gets better. This is a movie that knows it’s shit.

10) Watch it, love it, buy it on DVD and festoon yourself with Scarlet A’s. I know I will.

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People Need a Licence to Breed. No, Seriously.

Posted by idetest on October 28, 2010

Ew. Foul creatures.

Hola chicos,

I direct your attention to this article.

It includes the disgusting, tragic and oh, so dispiriting insight into the workings of the average human mind and tells us this.

The influence of celebrities such as the Beckhams is evident with 282 Brooklyns, 78 Romeos and 73 Cruzs born in England and Wales during 2009. Over the same period of time in the United States, Olivia was the third most popular name for girls, after Isabella and Emma, but Oliver was nowhere to be found in the top 10 for boys, which was led by Jacob, Ethan, Michael, Alexander and William.

The fastest rising boy’s name in America was Cullen, the surname of the lead character in the Twilight series of novels, whose girlfriend is called Bella, short for Isabella.

Oh. My. God.

Sick.

And this is why I say people should be forced to apply for a license if they want to breed. Either that or naming your children after the reigning monarch needs to come back into vogue. And actually why aren’t all  the babies in America being named Barack/Obama/Socialist Muslim?

Maybe he really is hated…

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Submitted Without Comment

Posted by idetest on October 27, 2010

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Well I have one in Leopard Print. So there!

Posted by idetest on October 18, 2010

So my beloved M.I.A. went out dressed like this the other night to an award show.

So basically what she’s trying to say here is that the recent burka ban in France was bad? Or that women who wear burkas are not being persecuted and oppressed because it’s their choice? Or that they are because it isn’t their choice? Or that in the west we misjudge them? Or that we misjudge M.I.A. and don’t really know her? (admittedly this is a strong possibility as Americans who comment about her are often surprised to discover she’s not an American let alone a British born Sri Lankan) Or is she saying that what’s on the outside does/doesn’t matter and we don’t really know someone by seeing them and prejudging them? Or is she saying “Dang this is some cool shit I picked up at duty-free in Islamabad?”

Well whatever. When I get blown up on the tube by a suicide bomber I’ll know who to blame.*

*Americans. Because you couldn’t just let Obama take over and make us all into Muslim Socialists, could you? Tea Party cunts.

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Screw you Snooki: this is my Jesus now!

Posted by idetest on October 17, 2010

Hola

First: The title  is a quote. My eternal love to whomever knows what celebrity said it.

Secondly: For the past week or so I have not been able to get the magnificent and amazingly catchy tunes of one certain Welsh-Greek songstress out of my head.

See what I mean, chicos?

My god the woman is amazing. And Greek. And Greek’s in pop culture are very rare and delicate creatures-they shun the limelight. Unlike those rowdy Italians. Take Mambo Italiano versus My Big Fat Greek Wedding for example. Actually don’t cos that movie was shit.

But anyway it’s all sorts of fabulous. Well, it would be but I saw this here on youtube the other day

Oh, god the voice. It’s like a retarded child’s been given hallucinogens and forced to try to repeat the alphabet backwards. what godawful place did she learn to speak like that in? I see from her Wikipedia profile (never wrong) that she went to Boarding school. Surely then she should be posher and less brain-dead sounding?

Also that was not profound. That was about as profound as when Cable News let Ashton Kutcher on to discuss Gay Rights. Ye gads.

Well from here on in it’ll be all about the music. Unlike certain other artists who I would listen to read the telephone book (I’m looking at you Lindsay. But then I’m always looking at you).

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We’re all getting older.

Posted by idetest on October 16, 2010

Hola chicos

So I noticed something as I gout out of bed at 5.30am everyday this week to go serve sandwiches to a bunch of investment bankers (you wish I was joking, don’t you? Or at least my bank balance does) that it was now too cold to run back to my room in a towel after my shower. Which officially means it’s winter in my book.

Unlike everyone else I love winter. I’m not sure why but here are my reasons for why cold weather is better.

Hell

1) This a purely personal reason; I honestly believe my body thermostat is higher than everyone elses. I am always too hot and sweating. I have the heating in my room turned off and notice I am walking around in a t-shirt while others are bundled up in coats. It might just be caused by my ability to walk abnormally fast or my constant neurotic worry but I doubt it.

2) I don’t tan. I don’t burn either…I just don’t change colour. Even on beaches of tropical islands. It’s not fair. My father is an olive-skinned Arab (in all but name) who constantly gets asked where he’s from or if he’s Maori – he is nothing exotic but merely a farmer who has been working outdoors in a black singlet since he was sixteen. My mother meanwhile is a rosy-cheeked Englishwoman with reddish hair and green eyes. She didn’t get her first proper tan till she was in her thirties and she was forced to come to the colonies.  and yet now she runs around the place yearlong in sleeveless shirts gently illuminated by a golden tan. And no, it’s not just the over-priced moisturiser with bronzer in it she uses. But alas, despite this my older brother (who unfortunately does burn. Even when covered in sunscreen and indoors) and I did not inherit these genes. It’s not fair.

I have spent several years of my life sitting on beaches and back gardens attempting to tan only to come back inside with a headache and vague hope of having changed colour from “vanilla yoghurt” to “apricot yoghurt”. I am still waiting. Although once I did get terribly sunburnt on a beach while spending the afternoon attempting to read Anna Karenina. Not only did I have to sleep on my stomach for two weeks but I still didn’t get very far through it.

3) I grew up in New Zealand. Which thinks it’s a lot hotter than it really is. Adjust your love of summer accordingly.

4) I love beaches but I’m not in love with them if you get me.

5) Long black coats, scarves, gloves, fireplaces, pubs…stop me when you need to.

6) Have you ever tried to sleep in a small bedroom on a hot summer’s night? Especially when where you live is mosquito central and you may die of blood poisoning if you keep the window. My father’s response to this was to buy a small cheap portable fan for me to use in the night. It didn’t work. I couldn’t feel any breeze from over a metre away and it wasn’t exactly quiet.

7) Like I said, I walk fast and am neurotic and spend my life sweating an embarrassing amount anyway, I don’t need blazing sunshine added in to the mix.

8 ) Me? Shirtless? Warn your children.

9) My summer outfits require a certain amount of ‘grin and bare’. I don’t really have the build for them. Also I look silly in shorts and my head is too big for most sunglasses. And how are you supposed to go to work in summer? Because everywhere I’ve worked during a summertime since reaching adulthood requires a uniform or some other source of sartorial problem which leads me to becoming a dishevelled and perspiring mess on my way there. I arrive looking about as ready for work as Pammy Anderson would if she got a job at a book store (God, that was a great TV show, right?).

10) Summer is for the beautiful people. I hate the beautiful people. With their six packs and their lack of chest hair and their tallness and their slimness and their blonde hair and their tans and expensive beach attire and ability to look good in sunglasses and jandals. Fuck ’em all.

11) Barbeques. ‘Nuff said.

12) Salads also. I love a good salad but it’s too hot to eat much else between November and March in the old country.

13) Schooltime. Who the hell designed the school year so as we return to sitting in classes with thirty other pubescent BO-ridden adolescents in fucking JANUARY?

14) My birthday is in summer. Between Christmas and New Years. There was never anyone else around for me to have a  party. Tis something that carried on into adulthood. I spent most of my birthday’s alone in front of the TV. Drinking. Also, summer itself is lame because everyone leaves on holiday and if you can’t afford to go anywhere (ahem) you end up left in town with no one to talk to.

15) Family holidays. My family loved to go camping.

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I wish I was Pretty and Thin.

Posted by idetest on October 11, 2010

Omg y’all I know lately that I’ve been showing you a lot of videos and we’ve been talking about TV (and not TV that is sacrosanct…a la soaps de la Jesus) but one of my fav. shows of all time the last few months is back on the television

Prepare yourself.

For Vampire Diaries.

*I just wet myself a little.*

Anyway, for those of you what don’t watch this televisual adaptation of the combined works of Pinter, Plath and Proust and are so therefore all “Que?” at my love of this show I shall explain the plot to you.

There is a girl. Her name is Elena Gilbert. She lives in a nice big house (What? It’s American. Americans don’t let the poor on TV) in a well to do little town somewhere in deepest, darkest Virigin-ia (Hah!). In real life she is played by Nina Dobrev who wins at everything in life because she’s a Hungarian BULGARIAN-Canadian who played a single ‘mom’ on Degrassi. Degrassi, people! O how I love thee.

Anyho, Elena’s ma and pa get deaded in a car accident and then a few months later after Elena is finished crying her skinny white girl ass down to a size -4 she goes back to school and encounters a HOT, studly, beautiful, HOT, manly, pectorially blessed young man named Stefan (say it like Bill from True Blood if it makes you feel better). Anyway turns out Stefan is actually a Civil War vet or something and him and his so-evil-but-so-damn-hot brother Damon, who must have not a complete conversation since puberty…why? Let me show you;

Him: Hi

Anyone human with a pulse: Hell- oh, wow!

Him: How are you?

AHWAP: DO ME! *jumps on him and tries to rape him*

Anyway, they all get in one big love triangle of angst. Damon is pretty. Everyone on this show is pretty. It’s on the CW so no surprises. But seriously they pretty much just raided a “these people are too good-looking to even be models. They just sort of drift ethereally around LA not eating” catalogue.

Even the High School History Teacher looks as such:

My high school teachers all wore clothes from K-mart and were over forty. I'm not bitter.

So, they move into town and are soon outed as vampires and go around killing people (which is pretty progressive for a show aimed at 11 year olds in Missouri). Also, Elena’s mop-haired younger brother is a druggie. And Elena and Stefan have sexuals after like two episodes. So this show deffo ain’t written by no damn Mormons.

Other things:

1) Nina Dobrev clearly had botox over season 1 and 2’s break. Her forehead has a vein running the length of it that could double as a new Berlin Wall if them commies ever get feisty again.

2) There is a black best friend. Lose points. Black best friend is not sassy at all and is very well spoken and bourgeois. Points gained. Black best friend is a witch…yes, an actual witch…which she gets from her ancestor who was a slave to a vampire back in the good ole days. Points…nuetral. BBF routinely goes “Listen hear vampy chaps, I gosh-darn do not approve and refuse to deal with your insufferableness except you are shagging me best mate so I gotta be nice to y’all. But I’ll be passive aggressive about it. And make bitchy one liners.” For actual originality in a teen show (What? You mean having a BF isn’t more important than the fact him and his bruvva kill half the town? FEMINISM OVERLOAD)  points a million.

3) Nina Debrov’s bff on Degrassi is Shanae Grimes from 90210. Aww, look who got the better show.*

4) Tyler, the hot jock who is Elena’s ex bf’s bff and the son of the werewolf (Guessing here) evil conspiring mayor is Latino. No biggy, except his family are supposed to have helped found the town back in the eighteen-something or others. No biggie – there were Latino people living there back then…right? Yes, well that would be fine except the actors playing his parents are obvously Whitey McWhite and  his wife Mrs Whiteonia Von Whiterson. I’m pretty sure this means one thing: In a later season we’ll find out Whiteonia was shagging the gardener Jesus, Desperate Housewives style. And the gardener was some new type of vampire what can breed and has a rare superpower where he can murder people with the beat. The beat and even some rhythm (Cos they’re Latino get it? And Latin people are really good dancers… Oh never mind.).

4) I feel fat and ugly watching this show.

5) Did I mention she has a stoner younger brother? Who shags around and is supposed to be 12? Yeah; I want their lives. And their houses. They all live in huge manors. Just to add to the realism.

*Obvs. on a heavy sliding scale of quality.

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Dumbo Speaks the Truth

Posted by idetest on October 11, 2010

This man apparently knows me well.

 

I'm not saying it's a big contrast or anything...

 

Andrew Marr, has dismissed bloggers as “inadequate, pimpled and single”, and citizen journalism as the “spewings and rantings of very drunk people late at night”.

I’m just glad he knows we exist. What with him being so busy being a useless political reporter. No seriously. He is useless. And anyway, taking the debate down an intellectual notch (chance, fine thing, insert own comment here), who is he to comment on other people’s looks?

Read the full article here. If you’re not too drunk while masturbating over a pair of your own mother’s underwear, you sick, perverted little creeps. Dirty.

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Swoonalicious

Posted by idetest on October 4, 2010

Hola. Today, unfortunately I am going to show you more videos. Howevs, I know you will thank me in the long run.

This is a show called Downton Abbey and it’s by the guy what wrote Gosford Park.

While Gosford Park was a glossy, expertly honed and sharp as knives satirical swipe at the class system, Downton Abbey…is a tv show, with several more hours to fill. And it’s on ITV.

However, despite some sloppy moments, some soap opera moments (I like my costume dramas and my soaps separate thank you. Well, actually no I don’t but ITV has forgotten how to do them properly, so until they do…) the drama is still squarely on. True, the occasional moment of dumbed down filler in storyline appears. But you can ignore that, though the second episode has me worried that maybe the brilliant slick first episode has led me to be hooked on something a bit shit. Sigh.

Though consider this: Maggie Smith complaining about electricity and these new fangled things and then delivering bitchy put downs in an accent that could cut glass. TV bliss. But that is neither here nor there compared to the sub plot of THE GAY FOOTMAN. Yes, the gays have infiltrated mainstream bonnets and horses Sunday night suburban TV. And they’ve done it so well; the scheming, social-climbing gay footman was shagging the Duke of Madeupsomewheresville and then got his heart-broken and is now a bitter, chiselled jaw queen out for a bit of revenge on everyone. Also, next week in episode three he tries shagging another Duke except this one ain’t a mary and I think it ends badly. Still, two dukes? For a rural, Edwardian northerner he’s doing better than Prince Charles.

And between this and Sir Gwain turning up on Merlin on Saturday and spending half the episode with no shirt on I don’t think I could take much more excitement (In case you were wondering Gwain looked like this. Yeah.).

All this is a polite way of saying WATCH IT. WATCH IT NOW.

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