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Australia Gets Owned: Tommorow, When The War Began – A Movie Review (Mate)

Posted by idetest on April 13, 2011

 

G’day cobba, sheilas and all my little possums from down on the farm.

Yes, children, once again I left the house so you don’t have to.

 

Let us discuss the latest masterpiece of the much derided genre of ‘teenagers doing things they can’t in real life’. And this addition’s quite substantial.

First off a disclaimer: I have read all seven of the books. And no, I’m no ashamed

Some points.

1) The girl from Neighbours has a strange accent but manages to carry the film quite nicely

2) Pity the same can’t be said for several of her castmates who lack …how shall we say? Any acting talent

3) The guy from Home and Away. Yeah he’s not all that much face wise but once he gets his shirt off it’s a whole other ball game.

4) The CGI and special effects: surprisingly good for a fairly low-budget film.

5) Unfortunately many of the jokes, themes and other recurring instances of what it’s like to be an Australian teenager didn’t carry over too well. It just mostly cluttered up the action scenes with unnecessary dialogue that didn’t really go anywhere and wasn’t especially amusing.

6) They’ve already announced films two and three.

Also I’m glad they actually made the enemy Asian rather than leaving it non-descript as it would have become a bit “Eh?” if so and also one does like that it was updated with everyone checking their cell phones every five minutes and using skype. Also I was glad they got rid of all the endless reminiscing. so much reminiscing in that book. Most of it to do with girls doing dodgy thing with their underwear and a slightly creepy overtone of a middle-aged man writing stories about teenage girls getting their periods.

 

Few things that did rankle me though: I don’t remember several of the characters being as annoying as they were in the book (I mean the female ones; particularly the Christian girl who I recall was more hands on.) but what can you do? Any adaptation is bound to be rife with changes. They can’t please everyone.

 

All in all it’s far from perfect but it is tense and does have some good car chases and action scenes. And, I have to admit…Austrlaia does look nice.

It’s still a shit hole though.

 

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When Good Jewish Girls Go Bad: Black Swan

Posted by idetest on January 31, 2011

 

Holy Pregnant Chick in French Boyfriend Theft Oscar Worthy Scandal!

Yes, chicos, I once again went out to the movies so you don’t have to. And I went and saw Black Swan.

First off, some thoughts:

1) Squicky gore in hot pursuit of a plot development alert. There’s a scene involving a finger and piece of loose skin. I’ll leave the rest for you to find out for yourself.

2) It’s a bit like What ever happened to baby Jane? in respect to her twisted, whole other level of manipulative fucked upedness Mother and her controlling passive aggressive stranglehold on Natalie Portman’s oh so tortured virgin.

3) Also is a 25-year-old virgin who still lives with her mother comes into your life RUN! She’ll probably try to shank a bitch with a bit of broken mirror.

Aside from these minor quibbles this is a fantastic movie, which from the very first scene is stupendously (an oft overlooked word in adult conversation) creepy and unsettling as we is all drawn further into Natalie Portman’s kafkaesque breakdown.

Howevs, I have read other people’s reviews saying the characters are two-dimensional. Well, fuck me, a movie about mental health issues being dressed up as an arty thriller not being completely original and deep? Blow me down, y’all. Blow. Me. The. Fuck. Down.

Also, Mila Kunis. yes she is very much the supporting actress, but YE GADS McCauly Culkin was a lucky little pasty blond twerp to shack up with that. Cos she fine. I mean seriously, if it wasn’t for her heinous blond streaks I’d tap that.

All in all, a riveting, claustrophobic, unsettling little piece of brilliance which will see me stay far, far away from the Ballet. For evs.

 

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Harry Goes Wild and Other Harry Potter Jokes: A Movie Review of the Wizard as a Young Man

Posted by idetest on December 8, 2010

Hola chicos

I offer tonight a very belated review (bullet points) of Harry Potter and the Sexual Confusion Part 1

 

I think I once saw this same poster in the adult section of a video store

The Plot: Harry, Hermione and Ronald McDonald traverse the more picturesque part of Britain a la refugee style after Voldemort goes all psycho-er and re-enacts Hitler’s Germany-without-the-fun-musical-numbers on the Wizarding world and kills everyone and everything (Mad Eye! Hedwig! Dobby…okay technically he’s a person…but whatevs) while searching for a mythical wand that’s the most powerful penis substitute in all the land.

The CGI: Good! Especials the part where we learn some wizarding fairy tales and the movie manages to have a discussion about the merits of twilight *groan* (I’m sure JK Rowling was weeping…weeping into a £100 note and then setting them alight).

The acting:…eugh. Low.

Helena Bonham Carter being overrated: Fair to middling (though it bings high at some points)

The Malfoys all as walking billboards for natural hair colours: Off the flamin’ chart.

Dumbledore Homometer: Has a arty minimalist tomb in all white that looks like an exhibit at a Spanish museum. Poof.

Creepiness: Very high. Especially bits with snakes and rotting corpses.

Some other thoughts:

a) Hermione lives in a nice neighbourhood

b) Daniel Radcliffe is still failing to work on his acting to a point where it ….ain’t shit.

c) Rupert Grint. I’m embarrassed for him.

d) Draco Malfoy. I’d tap that.

e) Will this ever end?

Okay, okay: the movie is okay. It’s creepy, atmospheric and parts of it aren’t sooo badly acted I suppose. Howevs. it’s still a Harry Potter film so don’t go expecting anything special and y’know…good. Hell, don’t even go expecting the first Transformers movie.

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Fantabulous: An unbiased movie review of Easy A

Posted by idetest on October 28, 2010

Slut. In the best possible way.

Hello chicos and all the transgendered possums who love them.

Okay, a few things In order to prepare you for the lovefest you are about to read:

1) I’ve made my love for this movie and Amanda Bynes clear in the past so deal.

2) It’s the school holidays here so obviously I had to deal with actual real live teenagers in the cinema as opposed to fake ones on-screen. Ew. Also I don’t think teenagers were getting many of the jokes.

But onwards and upwards.

Here is a quick rundown of the plot: Ginger stunner (hah!) Olive lives in her affluent suburban SoCal world with her parents and her adopted Afro-American brother (See, Angela Merkel multiculturalism does work you uptight right-wing bitch) and gossips with her slutty best friend. She makes up a lie she shagged some bloke and before you know it everyone, including Amanda Bynes (is that a halo I see?) and Phoebe from Friends is out for her blood.

Points of interest:

1) Very smart, ironic and meta humour. Referential to the teen genre. If you liked Mean Girls then you’ll love this. Also if you loved Mean Girls we should totes hang out. Call me.

2) Penn Badgely looks hot shirtless even when painted blue. This is good.

3) Amanda Bynes. Why aren’t you real life BFFs with Snooki and Lindsay? Oh, right, that’s why: because I’d die.

4) Hating on Christians and referring to them as Jesus Freaks and treating their faith as a disease? A-OK with me. As you were.

5) An honest look at America’s puritanical attitude to sex and how this works with its over-sexed money driven culture that revels in its own scandalousness? Yes, please.

6) American teenagers knowing what the word ‘twat’ means? I love you.

7) The gay guy goes all ‘It gets better’ on her to get her to shag ‘im? Ugh. Fair but not exactly original.

8  ) Did I mention that I had to go see this in a movie theatre packed with teenagers who I think were struggling with the jokes? I was the only person in the whole audience who laughed at a Judy Blume joke. I swear to god. Also I don’t think they got the references to Gone with the Wind and most seemed generally confused with her love of ’80s movies and John Hughes. Oy vey. What are they teaching in school these days? Is it seriously all Miley Cyrus and Twilight? Is nothing else getting through?

9)  Mark Twain references as well. And mocking of Demi Moore. It just gets better. This is a movie that knows it’s shit.

10) Watch it, love it, buy it on DVD and festoon yourself with Scarlet A’s. I know I will.

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Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: A film review.

Posted by idetest on August 28, 2010

Hola chicos

So last night I braved the cold and the wind, despite my SARS-like symptoms (a bit of a sniffle) and went to go and see Scott Pilgrim v.s The world.

First up, who knew it was set in Canada? I thought Toronto just stood in for most major American cities – I didn’t realise it now had movies made there that were actually set there. So for that, big ups Toronto- it’s almost like you’re an actual place now.*

Second of all: I must admit that a) I have been in love with Chris Evans since the scene with the banana and the whipped cream in Not Another Teen Movie, and b) I have been in love with Brandon Routh since I heard he had to have his package digitally shrunk in post production in the Superman movie because he was too…super manly. So basically I couldn’t care less about Michael Cera.

Michael/Scott

I just don't see the attraction. Where's his stubble? Where's his CGI re-sized groin?

However, did actually love this movie: It was witty and ironic without being as annoyingly fake as Juno (things in common: makes North America look unbearably cold)  and I loved the fact that everyone lived in shitty apartments and just sat around not doing much; and if they had jobs, they were pretty shitty jobs. It was almost like it was based on something realistic instead of being a manufactured plot by some Hollywood studio that thinks everyone in their early twenties works at Magazines and Record Labels and we all live in Monica from Friends type apartments…

Howevers, bad points: girls who change their hair a lot are usually just odd, socially awkward and trying too hard. They fall into the same category as people who play Dungeons and Dragons and grown men who wear Matrix style long jackets. i.e. they are unrepentant un-embarrassable geeks who have B.O. issues and a collection of figurines stashed in their childhood bedrooms which their mother cries over saying “I’ll never have grandchildren and it’s all your fault! Damn you Star Wars!”

Also roller blade shoes? Oy vey you can so tell the graphic novel was from 2004 (yeah I wiki’ed it).

Other than these things the plot does go quite well: it takes a while for him to actually start battling the seven exes but you do enjoy the build up as we get to know all the characters. The actual battle scenes are confusing and fast and don’t necessarily make a lot of sense but y’know whatevs.

A few other things:

1) Love the gay roommate. Although I love the blonde guy he seduced more. Also Stephen from the band becomes gay in the books but not in the movie (wiki knows all). Which is a pity.

2) I love hyperactive Asian indie chicks. It was like having Lane from Gilmore Girls back. Judge me, I don’t care.

3) Scott’s ex girlfriend’s band’s song was v. v. catchy. I say they release it. I’d buy it. Well okay, I’d download it (illegally), but whatever.

4) Poor Anna Kendrick: first she gets nominated for an Oscar or something for that movie she did with George “not gay just haven’t met the right lady yet” Clooney and then she gets to do fun stuff like this, and now she has to go back and do Breaking Dawn. God, I hope those Twilight kids get paid well.

So yes, in conclusion: A fun, zippy movie you should all go see.

* Obviously I’m ignoring the brilliance that is Degrassi. Oh, Degrassi how I love thee, let me count the ways.

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Movie Review: Inception – it’s not just the capital of Paraguay

Posted by idetest on July 21, 2010

Hola Chicos

So I went to see this movie- even though I wanted to go see Shrek Goes Forth. But I went to see it on my friend’s insistence and my friend is Northern so whenever she says anything in a stern tone of voice it scares me and I get the shakes. Okay, admission: I have the shakes most of the time but that’s for a different reason. Anyway here are my thoughts on this hot mess.

Mirror Mirror; who's the fairest of them all?

A) So no Shrek for this?

B) It’s very loud. I’m not sure if I’m getting old or if movies are just getting louder but it as really interrupting my power nap (I’d had long, hot, tiring day okay?).

C) So not-a-lesbian-just-butch-and-Canadian-chick-from-Juno is the second main character after I’m flying Jack Leo DiCaprio. Thank heavens she’s learnt to act a little. If I had to sit through another movie where she gets called “Fertile Myrtle” I’d cut a bitch. THEY DON’T EVEN RHYME.

D) Joseph Gordon-Levitt is going to ruin the waistcoats and well cut suit look. Remember how full length leather jackets were kind of cool and mysterious before The Matrix (Go with me here) and then people started imitating that movie and then we all realised that the type of people what wear them smell a bit and usually spend all their life at LAN parties? Yeah, well in 10 years time we’ll look at Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s hot little booty in them there well cut trousers and sigh with nostalgia at the pain it would go on to cause.

E) It’s one of those movies where the bad guys can’t aim but all the good guys could be aiming the guns up their own arses and still shoot ‘em dead every time.

F) There’s a mountain base/evil spy lab in the mountains where they run around in camouflage ski get-up. It all gets a bit James Bond does LSD at this point.

G) Michael Caine plays an Architecture professor at some prestigious looking Parisian university. It comes across more like Carry on up the Sorbonne if you ask me, but whatevs.

H) Oh, he’s also playing Jack from the Lower Decks father.  Make of this what you will.

I) They go to Mombasa and Tokyo. Points scored for geography lessons to Americans.

J) Cillian Murphy. I’ve nothing to say about this. Except…Cillian Murphy is still pretty. However the fact he never gets to use his own Irish accent in movies is A CRIME. A CRIME I tells ya. Though maybe it’s for our own safety. If he came on to the screen and was all “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya” or whatever Irish for hello is, the amount of en masse multiple orgasms could topple the globe off its axis and we’d all be fucked then as we spiralled through the galaxy all a loss because of some Gaelic Prick.

K)  Also since Cillian Murphy’s character was coming from Australia were we supposed to be believing that him and his Pops were some kind of Murdoch lite ripoff?  Or was it just a coincydink?

Aside from that the movie’s pretty lame. The SFX (is that the right lingo to use?) are pretty good but they don’t seem to setting the nerds a sweatin’ so there obviously not that new and shiny. Which is what you want for a movie like this-as essentially it is The Matrix: rejigged and tweaked a bit.

Go see it if you must. Just don’t expect it to be anything on a par with Antonio Banderas voicing an obese randy ginger cat. Oh, how you make me laugh.

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Under my um-Bella, ella, ella, eh eh: My review of the movie known as ‘Eclipse’

Posted by idetest on July 14, 2010

Hola chico and chicoettes

Well today while on a mission to spread the gospel of fabulousness about the world (i.e. how to eat tangy cheese flavoured doritos while wearing white – the trick is to just hold the bag up to your mouth don’t say I never give you anything) I stumbled into the wonderful movie that is Twilight: Eclipse (or is just ‘Eclipse‘ or is it The Twilight Saga: Eclipse? Or is it just called Shit?)

Anyhoes I have blogged about my love/hate relationship with the spawn of the Mormon lady and her frigid abstinent loins before but let’s forget EVERYTHING and focus solely on the movie and it’s efforts independently of the books.

Rihanna's latest album cover?

Wow. It’s shit. It’s not even shit in the good way though. There are no moments of terrible Mocklaliciousness like there are in Twilight Saga: Twilight I and Twilight: Miami-y’know what I mean: Like in Twilight: SVU when Alice has her vision and there’s a scene of Eddie McSideburns (they are so distracting) and Rihanna II (spousal abuse, whether it be physical or psychological is never funny. Except when it is) are running through the forest in all white…sort of side by side for no apparent reason than obviously the director wanted to punish RPattz and KStew (yes, those are their official titles. They are up there with JLo and MCy – ohmigodwhyaren’twecallingherthatyet??). So anyway, there’s none of that.

However, there’s none of Bella going ‘oh mi godz there’s a hole in my heart because my boyf gave me the beatdown on the way to the grammys gone done left me’ which she did through all of Twilight: The Empire Strikes Back – so that is refreshing. But there’s also more Edward and ye gods he is awful.

Anyway so taking this newfound sense of shame the movies seemed to have developed into account what actually happens? Well! For the three of you who ain’t read the books and had your special bathtimes about it The Artist Formerly Known as Bella is about to graduate High School, while trying to get into Edward’s pants as well as fend off his marital advances. And then evil Victoria is all like ‘Oh yeah, I hate you. Let’s dance beyotch.’ Oh, and Jacob’s all like ‘I’m 5″7 and have issues about this and oh, yeah if you kill her/turn her sparkles on I WILL HAVE YOU. Not in a gay way. In a manly violent blood and guts way… Bitch.’ They have a battle, Dakota Fanning takes out her issues. Bella and Chris Brown go back to the meadow and get all gooey. Das End.

Also: Jacob doesn’t take his shirt off nearly as much. Fail. The guy from that shitty Australian surfer movie (Newcastle-it’s on  Youtube: there’s nudity. I recommend) is a surprisingly decent actor and good-looking.

That's him bottom right. He does NOT look like this in Eclipse

Victoria for all the way they built it up in the second movie is only in about 3 scenes. I can’t remember if this is how it goes down in the books but it’s totally lame cos that bitch is psychotic amazingness in Twilight and the Chamber of Secrets.

Howevs. they did keep in Rosalie and Jasper’s flashback so that’s fun.

And my last comment on the movie is this: Why do they make Bella dress like a lesbian? I know in the book she dresses like a lesbian, and KStew is all up in the rug munching grizzle but seriously…couldn’t they have based her wardrobe on say…Megan Fox or something?

Anyway. It’s the last one I’ll ever watched now that I know they’ve axed the birth scene from Breaking Dawn. Which is blasphemous. SMeyer is not amused.

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Drink to escape the pain: my review of Sluts in the City II

Posted by idetest on June 7, 2010

(So so many spoilers-they all die at the end as well)

Wtf? I actually liked it.

A bunch of old crones walk into a bar. Two and a half hours later I walk out of the cinema, a new, better, gayer man.

Yes, darlings this is how I spent my Monday afternoon; watching Sex and the City 2. So you don’t have to.

First things first; I was fully prepared to hate it. I’d read the scathing one star out of five reviews and was hoping my thirst for blood would be rewarded.

Howevs, I was wrong. I …I  kinda liked it. I knew it was growing on me when Samantha uttered the sentence (and I’m trying to remember the quote here so give me leeway) “the past couple of years, with this economy I want something RICH”. Amen my slutty aged sister.

Because I never watched the TV show or the first movie for Carrie’s internal monologue on the complications of relationships (like I care. The last time I had a functioning relationship with an adult Al Qaeda was just a twinkle in Osama’s eye) but the fabulous urban lifestyles awash with lunch dates, coffee dates, dinner dates, shopping trips, drunken nights on the town, outfits you bought entirely because you wanted to offend suburbanites; yes, yes, yes. All things I love.

The movie starts with the on-purpose most clichéd gay wedding of all time. And despite all the characters all but turning to the camera and going ‘Gay enough for you? Yeah we know our audience’ it still comes off as kind of offensive when they keep on talking about gays as some sort of abstract concept despite that they’re apparently so fabulous that the only actual straight men they know are their husbands.

Though the scene where the all male choir do double takes when Liza Minnelli walks through the door made me laugh. And that was the first of many times I did genuinely laugh. I was disturbed.

Also how much does Liza slur? I’ve never been a fan so I don’t know if she’s up with Paula and Whitney but girlfriend sure sounded like she’d downed a bottle of prescription pill goodness before she filmed her scenes.

The only real highlight is the guy Samantha does. He is the hottest guy ever to ever grace a cinema. Ever. And him only being nude for one scene and then being replaced later on by some Old Danish architect is a crime that someone will pay for.

Then there’s some dull stuff with a TV in the bedroom and feet on sofas and it’s like watching my parents all over again except these people all live in houses that look like an interior design magazine and never leave empty coffee cups or syringes lying around.

Then they go to Abu Dhabi and it gets funny again. Which is good. There’s lots of decadence and the bad puns that this show (film? Shilm.) relies on. And then an Australian rugby team turns up in speedos and they do lots of long, lingering shots and I got distracted.

Also my friend texted me inviting me to see an arty highbrow film with her this evening  at this exact moment and I was too embarrassed to answer lest she shun me.

The movie gets pretty good around here with scenes in the desert, the camel riding, the karaoke scene (surprisingly amusing)-then it’s back to the lame storylines with Aiden arriving (he does not suit being tanned. Strange.); Miranda and Charlotte’s mother off (Ugh. Just lock ‘em kids in a room and throw a piece of meat in there occasionally. It’s how my mother raised me and I’m fine) drags on until the end when they get drunk and everything’s enjoyable again.

The only other big part of the movie I liked was Samantha’s arrest for indecent exposure/sexy goodness/being old and slutty/offending da Mus-o-lems etc, etc and the aftermath scenes as they are thrown out of the hotel and then have to go to a Souk. Amusing watching Samantha have her breakdown and then get her bitch on. Also when did they decide to turn her into Patsy 2.0?

Also how many British Asian and Middle Eastern actors where in this thing? Omid Djalliliwilly or whatever his name (you do a car insurance ad-you forfeit your right for me to have to look up how to write your name. Also for the soap fans: Mr Roy from Hollyoaks as the front desk guy.) Is there no actual Middle Easterners who act? Or even any American Muslims? Is this a new trait (see my Prince of Persia rant the other day) that the British have to play all Arabs and Iranians? (Also funny that Omid whatshisfsace is Iranian not Ay-rab. Hah)

Then it goes shit with the Arab book club reading Suzanne Somers and Charlotte being annoying and naive about foreign cultures again. Yawn. And then they go back to New York, there’s a heart to heart, and a montage. The end.

So all up: lots more ethnic minorities than last time, funnyish, only slightly more insulting to women, not as overtly product placement heavy (though it’s still there obvs.) as the last one, Big and Aiden are both still irritating, Samantha is turning into my sort of woman and Carrie is still the whiney, self obsessed moron she always was, but now her hair is straightened so is just even more awful. Bring back the curls.

Apparently there will probably be a third film as well. But Kristin Davis wants a huge pay hike; I say good on her. Despite this movie not being quite as bad as everyone says I still wouldn’t want to make another one unless I was absolutely plastered on the highest quality of booze the entire time to escape the sense of shame enveloping me (What? Are you telling me she’s demanding more money for any other reason?).

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So far, so borderline: My thoughts on the film Prince of Persia

Posted by idetest on June 4, 2010

In this outfit I totally pass as Persian

So with the sun high in the sky and nay a cloud in the sky I hid in a cinema with a bunch of 12 year olds to escape the summer heat.

Basically I’d wanted to go Sex and the City 2 but it was sold out; school holidays. Anyway I ended up in POP and after spending all of the trailers muttering to myself ‘I wish I knew how to quit you’ I managed to psych myself up to enjoying something with this much testosterone.

The movie itself isn’t bad; true, most of the actors are white English people-or Swedish Jews-which is in a way I’m sure very racist. They could have at least got that guy off Lost to be a character. And I’m sure some terrorists from 24 were available to be some minor characters?

Because that blonde girl from James Bond-despite her supermarket black hair dye-job and fake tan – was not convincing as a Middle Eastern princess.

Plotwise the movie zings along at an acceptable pace, blowing things up, shouting and sweating. It’s one of the movies that goes for atmospheric and a tad scary. Unlike, um, y’know movies like Transformers. Which go for ‘guns, tits, explosions, MEGAN FOX’S TITS!’. Not necessarily in that order.

Anyway-the weird thing happens at the end when moi, who has never played a video or computer game other than the Sims in his life was left very confused by the ‘none of this happens/alternate reality’ plotline that they must have taken from the game. Whatevs. Why do these things even have plots?

In conclusion: a 5/10. It gains my derision for it’s all white cast; the only non-white actor is supposedly Sudanese. Huh. Also having Jeff from Coupling in it is just too disturbing. Especially when he’s Emperor of the Persian Empire.

It gains points for having Jakey G buff up and run around being ‘roguish’. This is despite the fact that I find Jakey as sexy as the No 7 bus. And giving Jeff from Coupling and Bond Girl work as well. And also I like films set in Ancient places. But if you want to see something that manages to have plenty of gore and violence and action-ish stuff (as well as nudity) watch Agora. It’s brilliant.

I declare this movie to be borderline detestable but ok really.

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