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Archive for June, 2010

The Motherland better get back in that kitchen

Posted by idetest on June 27, 2010

The British Confuse me. I wrote a post about the little differences that irked and amused me between the place but here is a list of things that genuinely annoy me and I just don’t understand. Or the things that when I first arrived made my jaw drop.  And it wasn’t just the spitting and pissing in the streets.

This is by no means saying I don’t like London or the UK. I do, it’s just there are differences and certain drawbacks to any country and these are the ones I’m confused by, and the ones that for some reason I seem to be constantly dealing with and having to explain to others that ‘no, not every other country has this problem, we fixed it decades ago.’

I’ll start with a small one. In other countries it’s called a coffee plunger. Because you plunge it into your coffee. Here, it’s a cafetiere. I once got a death look for laughing at a guy in a gay bar who was trying to chat up my friend who said this. Silly boy didn’t know my friend only sleeps with Eastern Europeans.

There is no air conditioning in this country. Yes, it does make sense because for 9 months of the year Britain is a frozen hellhole where polar bears roam the streets and everyone wears four coats and only leaves the house to try to club  a seal to death for food. I may be exaggerating. I may not be. But this is the 21st century. Even things we don’t need we have. So why the fuck don’t y’all get fucking AC? Especially in London which, when hot is UNBEARABLE, as is filled with tiny claustrophobic spaces and heat trapping buildings and where the temperature never decreases at night. Frankly anyone opening a business installing these things would be able to retire in about an hour.

Everything closes so bloody early on a Sunday. Britain mocks countries such as mine for being stuck in the 1950s (It’s not completely…though admittedly there is Motueka. We’ll call it even) but supermarkets in my country stay open past 10pm on weeknights and don’t close at 4pm on Sundays. Yes 4pm. You read that right. And this is in London.

ATMS. I’ve bitched about the British finding debit cards confusing. There is a reason for this. Half the ATMs are not proper ones supplied by the banks. Instead they are pissy little machines in the corners of small shops which charge you up the arse for using them. Grr.

Why oh, why is the tube not 24/7? If I wanted to take a bus, I’d take a bloody bus. I don’t want to however, as I don’t want to spend two fucking hours making awkward small talk with a homeless man and a drunk 16-year-old who I’m worried might be about to either shit himself or, worse, vomit on me (if he shits himself, what do I care? If he vomits on me I’ll have to kill him. And frankly at 3am I can’t be fucked cleaning up the evidence. Dexter I ain’t). Just let the tubes run, people will take them, it will not bankrupt the city. Maybe just one or two and hour between 1am and 5am? They don’t even have to go the whole line (Does anyone really live in Cockfosters? I mean, seriously people are willing to deal with the sniggering every time they have to give out their address?), just to zones 2-3? Think about it Boris. I know you’re a loopy toff who thinks cheese is blue and the sky is made of watermelon or something but you seem like a vaguely good kind of guy underneath.

Tabloids. No, seriously, what? The Sun? This is a parody right? A highly complex marketing campaign by some forward thinking PR company who are advertising something (I haven’t worked out what it is yet. Tits? Puns?)? Am I warm? Let’s pretend I am for all our sakes. Also Q: Am I allowed to judge fairly intelligent, well dressed, middle class looking people who are reading it? I know they are getting it with a coupon or something as I have a friend who does this (I won’t be seen with her in public) and I judge the chavs who read it obviously. But what about these people? Is there a code of practice?

The British think they invented everything and are leading the way and so much more modern in every other way. They refuse to believe the world has caught up to them. Like it’s bloody 1850 or something. It’s one of the many things that if they fail to realise they share with their American cousins. Anti smoking laws? Everyone has those. Women’s voting rights? Actually you were quite a way down the line on that. National Health systems? Most countries have something like it. Gay Marriage? Well, lovies you didn’t exactly bolt out of the gate on that one either. And your archaic voting system makes no sense either.

Ethnic ghettos. In New Zealand we have about four foreigners (I lie, but I can’t be bothered trying to convince people that the Land of the long white cloud is not some sort of outpost for the Third Reich. It’s a country of immigrants. Think about this before the next time you ask me if I’ve ever met an Arab/Lithuanian/Indian person before.) so our suburbs are fairly homogenous – except the poor ones which – and everyone has a housekeeper called Alice. But here in London there are huge swathes of the city where it’s strange to see anyone not fitting into the one prevalent ethnic group. Examples: Wembley and Southall for Indian, Mile End and the Tower Hamlets area for Bengali…Ealing for Poles (only noticeable due to devout Catholicism…it gives off an aura – of guilt), any dodgy South London council estate for West-Indians- there’s a worrying attitude south of the river that suburbs are for white people and black people should live like sardines in high-rise flats. Go to Vauxhall, go and see if I’m lying. All this means that it feels uncomfortable to go to these areas. Everyone knows that London is a city of haves and have-nots, and the how much money you have has much more of an effect on your quality of life here than it would somewhere else, but it really starts to come home when you realise how much these areas and statistics on child poverty, unemployment, crime and drug use start to overlap. London gets a big fat FAIL for this

Also Chips vs. Crisps. Y’know what yes, we do call all type of potato based products ‘chips’ and no, we never get confused by what we mean, whether it be hot chips, frozen chips (otherwise known as oven chips), potato chips, fries, or other new world-vegetable based nutritional excitement. We cope.

And on that note it’s time to be quittin’ my bitchin’ for fear of ethnic reprisals and to go and see if there’s rioting in the streets and weird, perverse opposite Kristallnacht situation going on over the football.

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My sheep bladders bring all the boys to the yard.

Posted by idetest on June 27, 2010

B: Yes, yes, maybe, no , maybe, get a haircut F: Yes, yes, maybe, yes, maybe.

Today, on this most auspicious of days I came to conclusion I’ll never fit in with the rest of society. The reason I discovered this was, despite the fact that it’s boiling (broiling?) today and the sun is shining, the birds are tweeting and there is nay a rain cloud in the sky but there was not a person outside.

I wandered like a startled lamb (big eyes, all white outfit; Looked SPECTACULAR) through the park near my house for nigh on three minutes, (so long I hear you ask? Well I had a sit down halfway through) and saw not a soul. Saw some drunk Polish guys, but y’know in my neighbourhood that’s fairly de rigueur. It’s when they’re not there you worry.

It was as I wandered twirling my parasol and crying out that I was in fact a lady to rubbish bins as I passed them that I realised why my local park had in fact gone all post armageddon/zombie attack. The gosh darn-it football was on.

You see it was the epic grudge match, WWIV between our fair, sportsmanlike, handsome and dashing English team versus the imperialistic, barbarous, Huns from the continent who routinely put babies on spikes and enjoy nothing more than schadenfreude.

The Huns won by their trickery and deceit and by using magic potions. The English fought bravely and gallantly but it was to no avail. Or something like that.

As I arrived home to chez Moi only to find my flatmates ensconced on the sofas with their respective boyfriends. All were getting their mid afternoon drank on and yelling at the television, whooping and a-hollering (yes, a-hollering I tell you! Next up they’ll be havin’ a hootenanny) like only straight people can about sports. I stuck my head in the door to be set upon with a barrage of crass remarks regarding my state of sobriety and other such things. I retreated to my room for some calming cross stitch.

It has however led me to surmise on several things about this here world cup.

  1. I do not care for patriotism. It insists upon itself.
  2. If soccer wants to be taken seriously and be played in more than like four countries they really have to stop this falling down and going ‘Oooh, owwwsies, he pushed me. Betch’ habit. It’s just embarrassing for everyone.
  3. Germans have funny names. As do everyone else. But the Germans are the worst. Silly Germans.
  4. Vuvuzelas. They should be given out to lawyers in court room dramas from now on.
  5. Italians do not look good in shirts. Why do they insist on wearing them?
  6. What the fuck is the offside rule?
  7. Where exactly is South Africa? Has it always been there? Why have I not heard of this country before? Has it just been discovered? And if not why am I just hearing about all the people living there? Particularly in documentaries about child abuse and prostitution.
  8. Face painting. Huh.
  9. When will my dream of the faceoff between Somalia and Kyrgyzstan happen? C’mon it’ll be quite the battle royale. Just don’t let any ethnic Uzbeks in.
  10. And to quote the New Zealand comedian on Mock the Week, who I watched through my fingers as he was so spectacularly cringe-worth (actually, he wasn’t but it’s a New Zealand characteristic to find everything your country does as cringe-worthy and unintentionally humiliating) “Why don’t they just pick that shit up and run with it?”

It’s going to be a long summer if this keeps up.

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Humanity’s greatest achievement:Team America, Fuck Yeah (Hell No), Part II

Posted by idetest on June 21, 2010

ALL MY CHILDREN

These are all their children? Are they Catholic?

There are three things I know about this show

a) They have lots of lesbians

b) It’s some sort of sister show to another soap One Life to Live. And it’s the more successful of the two.

c) Susan Lucci. Daytime Emmys.

This show is set in some part of Philadelphia where apparently there are rich white people. Funny I don’t remember them being in the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. From what I could tell from that Philly as full of poor people, who looked depressed and cold and lots of angry black people. Shows such as Cold Case only sought to tell me that, yes, this was the truth (by this viewpoint though: Miami is full of serial killers, Detroit has lots of men obsessed with tools and cars who have shows on basic cable, and God help you if you ever have to go to a public hospital in downtown Chicago).

Aside from this however I know nothing as it has a) never been broadcast in a country I live in b) doesn’t seem to have any sort of devoted YouTube following (a sign your show isn’t clicking with minorities). So I turn to Wikipedia-apparently this epic piece of literature is part of the opening credits:

The Great and the Least,

The Rich and the Poor,
The Weak and the Strong,
In Sickness and in Health,
In Joy and Sorrow,
In Tragedy and Triumph,
You are ALL MY CHILDREN

Well if that isn’t Shakespeare in daytime form I don’t know what is. Quickly let us move on before the lesbians come.

DAYS OF OUR LIVES

Ah, DOOL as it’s known affectionately. I know all about this hot mess as I watched it one school holidays. You’ll know it; it’s the one with the hourglass and the voice over saying ‘like the sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives’. Yeah, complicated hidden meanings are not something Americans are big on. Anyway this opening sequence has been oft parodied and is referenced a surprising amount (Gilmore Girls, anyone?) so it’s sort of a joke now.

The show is one of those that changed its location of where it was set. Originally it was set in New England, Y’know somewhere bearable, but is now set supposedly in or around Chicago (i.e. cold and full of Polish people. Yuck). Other than that all I know is that it was often thought to be the first cancelled of the big American soaps because it got it’s ridonkulousness on in the 90s when people started getting possessed and shit. People didn’t like it and its ratings went the way of the Cuban Libertarian Society. However, it’s still around where as others are not.

According to Wikipedia though, the show was originally supposed to marry the popular hospital and Doctors orientated genre with the soap opera idea of having a whole town to mine for characters and storylines. Which I’m sure back in the 60s when this started was very original (maybe?) but now makes it sound like a cut-price Holby City. I jest. Holby City is far too cheap to be called a higher priced version of anything.

Anyway, the show did the usual American thing of focusing primarily on the wealthy and upper class members of a place. This is a confusing American thing-is it because the soaps were originally aimed at housewives with dreams of getting away from a lifetime of domestic drudgery and faking orgasms that they had to focus on the rich? Obviously the answer was yes. I mean soaps only have their name because guess what, soap companies used to sponsor them back when they were on the radio.

It’s still however a primarily American quirk though. True most country’s soaps have wealthy people in them but they aren’t the primary focus usually. In fact here in Britain soaps are usually based around working class areas. This I can attribute to the fact that TV execs in Britain realised something long ago: poor people watch TV; rich people go out, read books, entertain friends or only watch TV sparingly.

If American soaps want to save themselves from dying off like they already are they should look into this.

ONE LIFE TO LIVE

Fuck Sue Sylvester. Dorian is the supreme bitch of the universe. Bow to her.

The last, and yes, possibly least of our daytime pack. This show is set in Llanview, Pennsylvania. A well-heeled suburb (but with a seedy side – don’t they always?) of Philadelphia. I’m beginning to think the city’s tourism board was doing some backroom deals back in the good old days.

The show, at present is languishing in the ratings and may or may not be cancelled soon-ish. Which is a shame as it has some great characters; the writers on this show actually give their characters a personality. An unheard of idea in America’s world of soap. On this show you get egotistical millionaire Dorian who runs around looking like a Poodle mated with some spoilt Jewish heiress –always a plus-demanding to made mayor and that anyone she likes be imprisoned. Also someone got pushed out of a window when she announced her candidacy for mayor and the episode had the word ‘defenestration’ in the title. Awesome.

Other than that-it’s a bit shit. The usual single mother level of brokedom pervades and you realise they only have 10 cast members and that 9 of them can’t act. However, they do get a plus for Roxy. The boozy Patsy Stone wannabe that she is.

Also it got rid of its gay characters (why I watched) because they offended Middle America. Well let me tell you Mister WHEN ALL THESE SOAPS GET CANCELLED AND THE CHINESE TAKEOVER DON’T COME RUNNING TO THE GAYS! Because we tried to help. But noooo. We weren’t god enough. You do realise that when these shows go all the plastic surgeons, dentists, beauticians, laser hair removal business operators go with them?

So go on, get them cancelled and ruin America’s fleeting economic recovery. Now what will that walmart checkout woman watch on her day off? Hmm, that’s right: Ads from the CCCP. As Obama is forced to kiss the Chinese premier’s feet. Well Done American TV execs and your inability to change, modify, diversify or listen to what your audience wants. There’s a reason why anyone with half a brain only watches Showtime and HBO these days.

Even though there is so much more to say I fear I’ll just descend into a frothing at the mouth rant if I’m forced to continue. And while that makes a hiLARious skit on the Tyra Banks Show it wouldn’t work so well here.

So all in all here’s what we learnt:

  1. All American soaps are facing the axe at some point in the near future.

  2. No one on them can act.

  3. They are all carbon copies of each other and have zero originality.

  4. Backlighting can  only get you so far ( I know, I’m shocked as well).

  5. Cheap sets and having ultra bright lightbulbs as the sun do not a convincing outdoor location make.

  6. Everyone is called Brooke, Ridge, Fudge or some such twaddle.

  7. There is about as much realism in them as there in those McDonalds ads telling me that their patties are 100% real beef.

  8. The rich may have more glamorous lives but it really does show your culture for the shallow, vacuous and vapid excuse it has become.

  9. You have to occasionally surprise the viewer. Just once in a while

  10. You’ve got ethnic minorities. Great. Well done. Now why not present the actual America your small town settings represent? Seriously, do Americans not find it insulting that they get TV like this made for them? No? Well then maybe it is your fault that the Chinese will take over.

And on that note. I bid you adieu. That’ll be it with Soap Reviews for a while but don’t worry, I’ll find other things to judge while I sit here and drink myself into an early grave.

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Humanity’s greatest achievement: Team America, Fuck Yeah (Hell No), Part I

Posted by idetest on June 21, 2010

G’day fellow soap fans.

Well after a hectic few days of sitting on my arse playing Sim city and watching the illegal immigrants on my street get carted off in a paddy wagon (I like to make a game of guessing which one will try and run first; the chubby Romanian man or the gangster Middle Eastern guy?) I have decided to enter the world of brain tumours, multiple personalities and secret paternity tests.

Yes, people, we’re going for the big  guns; the one and the only, the land of the free and home of the obese: America.

American soaps were the originals and are often claimed to be the benchmark of all that is good and holy in Soapverse. Some backlot studio in Brooklyn is the Soapworld’s answer to the Western Wall. It is here our people got there first chance to shine and it is from here that many of humanity’s greatest moments have occurred. So join me as I travel around numerous God-awful small towns of America and discuss how the nation that landed on the moon manages to ruin soaps for everyone else.

GENERAL HOSPITAL

It's like Grey's Anatomy. But even shittier.

This show is as suggest set in a hospital (possibly a general one) and is one of the oooold ones dating back from 1963. It is set somewhere called Port Charles. Which confuses me because isn’t there a soap called Port Charles? (That Ryan Philippe got his big break on if I remember correctly?) I’ll Wikipedia this.

Now I must admit I only ever watched a recent spin off this show called General Hospital: Night Shift but I am aware that it is one of the formerly great soaps and still manages to punch above its weight-James Franco guest stars in it whenever he wants to confuse people over which way he swings again. Though frankly if James Franco wants to confuse me with a swinging anything I’ll take it. The man may look like a chimpanzee mated with a squirrel wearing a toupee but he still manages to scream sex with every breath. Phew. Got a bit distracted there.

Anyway, recently the show has had a prison rape storyline. Yeah. But I can’t hate on a show that when explaining the a recent plot included this summary

“18-year-old Michael landed in prison for bludgeoning his crazy stepmother to death with an axe handle after she kidnapped his pregnant mom. Michael’s mobster dad burned all the evidence to protect his son but the court convicted Michael anyway. Once on the inside, Michael’s rapist Carter protected him from an abusive guard and later raped Michael as “payback.””

Prison Rape.

Mobsters.

Pregnant kidnap victims with crazy second wife syndrome captors.

This show has it all.

THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL

This woman knows the surgeon's scalpel like the back of her wrinkly hand

Ugh. Back home in the bayou this show is one the pensioner channel in the mid afternoon. And so therefore whenever I wagged school due to an ‘illness’ (Rikki Lake was having a special episode) I always used to try and avoid this shit as well.

Everyone knows the plot to this-the family that owns a fashion house or some shit (Ok, maybe I don’t) and that’s it’s basically the most clichéd of all the soaps. All the men look like Fabio from a Mils and Boon cover. None of the women can open their mouths because they’re botoxed and sculpted so tightly. Everyone is called things like Brooke, Hunter, Morgan, Rock, Ridge, Cliff, Forrester and Landfill. You will not find an ‘Archibald’ in this show.

Oh, and of course the plot moves at a pace so glacial it makes global warming look like a coke fiend dancing at a gay bar. With a glowstick.

I once watched an episode where some psycho bitch had either shoved or been near some woman when she’d fallen off a balcony. The woman who fell was heavy preggers. About ready for that thing to burst out of her chest, or however it is exactly women give birth. Anyway, the entire episode was literally the camera focused on the woman at the top of the stairs going “Oh, no. She’s not dead…I mean oh, no she fell!” and then cutting to the woman on the floor lying there groaning with her cushion sticking out the bottom of her top. And that was it for the episode. It was like trying to watch people with Alzheimer’s having a spelling bee.

All in all this show is shit. It should be cancelled but America’s economic recovery is so rocky that I fear if it does it’ll put all of LA’s plastic surgeons out of business. And then China will take over the world. And even though I love a bit of communism I’m just not that confident with chopsticks yet. Give me time though, give me time.

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS

Apparently Eva Longoria used be on this show. Who knew? And yes, that's why I chose this picture.

Ah, yes. One of my favourites. This show is vaguely related to the BATB but is a bit less shit. But only a little bit. It’s the biggest soap ratings wise in the states these days (sometimes getting a whole 6 million viewers. Or about half as many as Eastenders does even when it’s in a rough patch. Like when Barbara Windsor announcing she’s retiring. Again. Bitch is worse than Cher)

The show is set in Wisconsin in a place called Genoa city. Yeah, took a soap opera, which focuses on greed and money and betrayal and good looking people doing dastardly things and set it in Wisconsin. A state famous for cheese and That 70s Show, and not a fuck of a lot else.

This is why the Chinese will be our overlords by 2030.

I watched this show briefly last year (2009) and was pleasantly surprised, I must admit. Because a) there was a Latino. How I love Latino’s in the small towns, b) Danni from Home & Away. Yeah. She’s in this. Go figure and c) it didn’t quite move at the glacial pace that Bold and the Beautiful did. In fact there was a spring in its step. Quite amazing. It was still shit though. It was all about the back lighting and awkward camera angles. But you can’t have everything.

AS THE WORLD TURNS

I’ve talked about my love for a certain character from this show before. But I’ll reiterate. Oh, Lucinda, you complete me. When there comes a time when Betty White finally goes to the sex rehab in the sky I nominate you for her replacement. Only the character though. Not the actress who I know nothing about.

The show is the second oldest in America, before Guiding Light was cancelled, and started back in the days when poodle skirts and lynch mobs were a la mode. It’s set in Oakdale, Illinois but don’t hold that against it. Like all American shows it deals with the very upper echelons of society and only has a few token poories-in this case it seems to revolve around Holden and Lily and their never ending divorces and reunifications. Thank God these people are all millionaires because otherwise they might have to stay married to each other (can you imagine the lawyer’s fees?).

Anyway-the show seems to be made on a budget of about $2.54 an episode and so therefore looks worse than Amy Winehouse after a night out. And I’ll choose hear to rant about the acting in American soaps. Seriously people-you have Daytime Emmys: why? If this is the calibre of the acting that shit just surely must be a subtle joke we’re all missing?

There are quite often painted trees in the background (American soaps don’t do location shoots. No everything is on a set. Half the reason no one will ever watch them: they just look so bad and fake. Or is that just me?) which are less wooden than the actors (see what I did there?), especially the men who are usually hunks (of the waxed chests variety. No thanks. I want someone who could pass for a truck driver. Called Brent. Who drinks beer and eats steak for every meal. Call me if you’re out there) but lack any sort of talent…or brain cells to be honest.

The women, in their botoxed brilliance are usually goods for histrionics and screaming but not much else.

Anyway, As the World Turns time on the street corner is over now as it’s getting cancelled in September and will be of our screens and laptop monitors forever. Hopefully they wrap it up nicely-but that would require some sort of talent by the writers and I just don’t think they have it in them.

The two gays OBVIOUSLY had a storyline with Cyndi Lauper (Jealous? Me? Yes.)

Part II out in paperback soon.

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My childhood memories Part II: The Tokyo Drift years

Posted by idetest on June 19, 2010

Salut!

Yes I will go through a different language greeting every post. Or until I run out.

Probably the latter.

Today’s post will be all about Anime and Japanese Cartoons. It’s going to be basic as too long spent on this subject forces my eyes to turn into crescents and my hair grows a foot in height (my eternal love for whoever gets these) and I end up looking like that guy Finn from Glee (what? You never noticed how he kinda looks Asian and how his eyes go weird and crescent shaped randomly? I think it’s because the actor is Canadian, personally. And everyone knows Canadian’s are possessed by evil spirits).

Dragon Ball Z:

Oh my Lady Gaga. Confession: my brother used to watch this show like it was his crack, smack and all other forms of the bad shit rolled into one easy to use 24 minute daily package. In other words I was forced to watch this show on a daily basis for several years and therefore loath it with a passion I usually only reserve for the nation of Belgium. Fuck, I hate you Belgium, you second rate Holland (And second rate France as well. Well actually third rate because Switzerland is second rate France…well actually fourth because of Monaco. Yeah you’re a fourth rate France, Belgium. Suck on that you child molesterers).

Anyway. Moving on from yet another xenophobic rant Dragon Ball Z was a rehash of some iconoclastic 80s shit called Dragon Ball which being Japanese was allowed to have sex scenes and swearing in a children’s show. Yes they can do that in Japan. Hence why they have murdering cannibals as TV hosts (look it up).

It’s about some kid called Gotan (I can’t remember actually so let’s pretend. Either that or we’ll call him after the other famous 80s icon with big hair-Boy George). Anyway Boy George finds out he’s descended from some alien super race or some shit and has to continually save the world (and the cheerleader) from a never ending list of baddies. Usually this causes the world to actually end because they’re so powerful they routinely blow up the very planet they’re fighting over.

Hard hitting social realism this was not.

Anyway it was brought back in the 90s and then translated into English and eventually made its way over so I had to watch it. It now had Vegeta (who was a baddie but now a reluctant goodie…or something??) and his wife and kids and a giant green guy called Piccolo. Basically it was a very long acid trip minus the heavy sweating.

Why I’d get it drunk on Sake: It was like a very long acid trip minus the heavy sweating.

Why I’d nuke Hiroshima again: It was fucking mental. And so badly cut and edited for English speaking countries that it made even less sense. Also nothing ever happened because there were 10,000 episodes.

Take a shot every time: Someone did the crescent eyes to indicate happiness. Weird Japanese freaks.

Pokémon:

Fuck me. This shit really happened? I thought it was a figment of my fucked up drug addled imagination. Nope. Actually happened.

Anyway this was about some bratty kid called…something…with his two mates (one was called Ash I remember that much…no idea what the girl was called. Let’s call her Cousin Sissy) and of course the motherfucker Pikachu. Pikachu was a legend in his own lunchtime and is probably the most quoted cartoon character of our time. Everyone knows Pikachu. And if you don’t you’re probably a Mormon. He was yellow if that helps jog your memory. And looked like a stuffed animal.

Anyway the plot, from what I vaguely remember through the blackouts, was that they travelled around collecting Pokémon (‘pocket monsters’) and making them fight so they could win them off each other. Yes, it was basically cock fighting. Or dog fighting. Or something else completely inappropriate for children to really watch. But whatever censorship is for lesbians and we already know that the Japanese are FUCKED. UP.

Why I’d climb Mt Fuji with it: Pikachu was a tough ghetto bitch who hopefully grew up to a Latino gangster in East LA with a pair of hoop earrings and a lip piercing. I can see it now.

Why I’d cut it with a samurai sword: This shit was fucked up. And only the weird kids at school watched it. And they were obsessive.

Take a shot every time: That they introduce a new Pokémon despite the fact that there was only supposed to be 100 or so.

Digimon:

The fuck yes. Finally a show I can respect. I loved Digimon (‘digital monsters’). I’m not quite sure why but I did. It was trashy, campy and had children who had issues interacting with tiny monster like things. But it had funny one-liners and interesting plot arcs. Okay, it wasn’t exactly Brideshead Revisited but it was better than that shit Pokémon.

Anyway it was about a bunch of children who while at summer camp got sent into an alternative reality where they had monster pet things who they used to fight baddies with. And then they bought it back for a second season where they had an evil child-genius called Ken. What? I know. There was a third but by this time I was about 14 so wasn’t watching anymore. I was out doing drugs and chasing girls. Or watching McLeod’s Daughters and Roswell. Whatevs. Semantics.

Why I’d buy it a tamagotchi: It had plot development in a cartoon! I know.

Why I’d let it stay in a recession: Ugh. It went on a bit.

Take a shot every time: Someone had a moral epiphany whenever they needed their monster pet to advance a level of power. Yeah I can’t even make a joke about that.

Cardcaptor Sakura:

A late entry into my repertoire but one I was forced to watch. It was about some crazy speed freak (I’m projecting) who was rebelling after her mother died or something got hooked on the hard shit and then had to pay off her drug debts. By chasing after magical cards that all represented some element or something.

Something like that anyway. All I remember is that she had an older brother who in the original Japanese version was having a gay romance with his best mate. His best mate was some weird guy who would turn up in every episode with a different job. It was eventually revealed he was supernatural. Stupid English remakes edited this entire storyline out. I think.

Why I’d go visit its Winter Olympics: Batshit insanity. Also she had rivals at schools: the hot, mysterious guy who was nasty to her because he loooved her and his evil ex girlfriend/fellow conspirator. They were the children of the corn.

Why I’d ram its whaling ships: It was just plain weird. Also there was paedophilia.

Take a shot every time: Homo-explosion lover boy would turn up as a janitor, or a zoo keeper or a fisherman or some such shit.

Others:

Gundam Wing: There is not enough time in the world to explain the OTT intergalactic, Armageddon, robots with minds or something, boy meets girl lover story of the weird ass show. Let’s just say it was strange and leave it at that.

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I told ya

Posted by idetest on June 19, 2010

The other day I said Harry Potter was a midget.

Midget Wizard

Proof.

Also Katie Holmes is orange. Make of that what you will. (Snooki 2.0? Maybe)

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My London, London bridge keeps coming down. And other Fergie related trivia.

Posted by idetest on June 16, 2010

Hola

After yet another soul crushing trip to the supermarket today, a night out last night that ended in vomit on my show (not mine) and having to make awkward chit chat with a girl I barely know on the tube I’ve decided to make a completely unbiased and of course, completely coherent list about my favourite topic: London Town.

Oxford Street: For all your Soul-Destroying needs

The tube. Once again whether you love it, hate, loath it, want to cut it up and go Jeffrey Dahmer on its ass, it’s there. I personally don’t understand the en-masse hatred for it-it does occasionally suck to a level of Republican voter levels but that’s rare. Ok so it once made me late to work and I got a verbal warning. But for that I can forgive. Unlike the lesbian manager who gave me the warning. I know where you live, beyotch.

Anyway-the tube, despite its annoying habit of just suddenly grinding to a halt outside a station while the driver comes on the intercom going ‘Er, don’t actually know why we’ve stopped. Shouldn’t be long folks’ while you seethe at the thought of being held up/ die from heat stroke as there is no such thing as air conditioning in the UK/are forced to watch and interact with fellow human beings who are all DISGUSTING, is actually OK.

Though it’s quite expensive. TFL have never met a reason to raise fares that they didn’t like. It costs £2.40 to get from my house to central London. It’s a 20 minute train ride! I won’t complain (I will.) but seriously.

The lack of good coffee in this city is ridiculous. The British seem to think Starbucks (as well as the two main British chains Costa and Caffe Nero) are the BE ALL and END ALL and if you are not a fan of Starbucks it is YOU who is the culturally bereft simpleton. Yes, because actually wanting my coffee not to taste like lukewarm tap water with too much sugar in it is indeed a sign of a severe lack of sophistication. Basically if you want good coffee you have to go to Covent Garden and find a NZ/Australian owned cafe. And then pay Covent Garden prices. This upsets me because a) they’re hard to find b) they’re expensive and c) getting to Covent Garden is a bitch and I hate the place. Too many tourists and overcrowded. So my beloved coffee habit has been curbed back to nonexistence. Thanks for that London.

Museums, art galleries, palaces, historic buildings and beautiful parks. One of London’s main pluses. Apparently in other countries you have to pay to go to these. Hah. Imagine that. For this London earns several points.

Most of the restaurants here are shit. Unless you want curry-the curries are good. However the only other food most English people know of is Italian. You can’t move for mid-priced Italian restaurants. Most are fine but usually just bland as fuck. If you want proper ethnic food you’re out of luck, there is a distinct lack of good satay in this place, Chinese restaurants don’t exist outside of Chinatown- bar some real blandy suburban hell holes, there are kebabs places everywhere but they look well dodgy. And sushi? Forget about it. It’s rubbish here. There are some pluses though-if you love ‘gourmet’ burger and chips retailing for about £20 (yes, that’s quite reasonable for this town) then you can eat to your heart’s content. Woo

Chain shops. Don’t like ‘em? Don’t come here. Everything is a chain. While this does mean you can get clothes, DVDs and CDs, books and lots of other stuff much cheaper than you can in other countries it also means that everything is the same. Mostly because the only people who seem to require possessions are chavs. And there are a lot of chavs.

Speaking of chavs. They run the show. They make by far the biggest ethnic group (which they are!) and act like they are the only people entitled to live here. It’s hard to understand how there can be so many fat, pale (or fake tanned), uneducated, loud, vulgar, gap toothed, football obsessed, racist bastards in just one place but there is. And apparently it’s less pronounced in London then it is in many other parts of the UK. Jesus. The sooner they bring in having to apply for a license to breed the better (it will happen, we just have to believe).

There are lots of nice parks. Did I mention that already? It needs to be mentioned again. Just don’t go to London Fields because then you deserve to be beaten you trendy hipster fuck. I once got invited to a boozy picnic there; I refused to go on principle (read I had work). If you want nice parks there’s Richmond which is just BEAUTIFUL, Lots of semi rural areas on the north western outskirts (I used to go here to cry/stalk) and beautiful woodlands, Kew is nice but overhyped.  If you’re in the city centre St. James Park is lovely. Wait is St. James or Green Park the one with the pond? Does Green Park have the trees? I can’t remember. One of them has trees and you can’t sit down. The one with the little lake is lovely. And of course there’s Hyde Park for sunbathing, and Regent’s Park for nice walks. Or doing double takes when all the posh rugby players start stripping off in the field after their games at weekends. Which is distracting.

Malls and shopping centres. Look back on chavs and chain shops. Also-every single suburb has one. And then there is the behemoth of Westfield. Eurgh.

Tricycle Theatre in Kilburn. Cheap arty movies and plays! For cheap! Amazing.

Things to do. If you have money (which I don’t) there is a never ending list of concerts, plays, comedy shows and other fun things to go to. Just don’t go to the o2. Because then I’ll judge.

Pubs. One of Britain’s best exports. I have recently become enamoured with Samuel Smith pubs. They’re cheap, cosy, never too crowded and don’t play music at decibels that rupture your ear drums. Lovely. Did I mention they’re cheap as well? And let’s be honest, whether it is winter or summer there really is no better way to spend an evening (afternoon…morning) than in the pub with some mates.

Gay bars. Ugh. If you ever find yourself in Soho, kill yourself, but if that doesn’t work for you try and get out as soon as possible. Every baby gay should be made to go to G-A-Y once in their life just so they know what it’s like. If they find that Madonna on repeat, fake tan, tight t-shirts and a TV screen in the corner where you can send in texts asking for sex is their sort of thing then a) shoot them, but more importantly they’ll know that that’s their nice but that there is more out there. You can go to one of the other big gay areas: Vauxhall (for bears and leather daddies. My ex-boss used to be a DJ/scene queen in that area and would regale us with tales of his debauched twenties. Quite strange coming from a short gay man who lived in Sussex but there you go. If not Vauxhall go east to the…East. There’s  lots of trendy little gay bars which are slightly lighter on the sleaze but just as heavy on the SEX, all gay men want SEX, all day and all of the night. SEX. It’s on odd combination, but some have fabulous decor and you might even get to hear something other than Madonna (in a gay bar? I know! What a revolutionary concept)

Debit Cards. Anything other than cash confuses the British. Trying to pay for anything that costs less than £10 with your debit card will get you laughed/yelled at. It’s strange that in a country that’s so modern in other ways is so backwards on other things.

Cost. I’ve touched on this but nothing truly prepares you for how expensive this damn place is. They’d happily charge you to breath in the place if they could.  It’s not bad enough that just converting your saving s into pounds is the most singularly depressing moment of your life (I have $10,000! How much is that in pounds? Oh.). But just that everything is designed for the wealthy. Obviously the chavs have all their own shops and restaurants but if like me, you don’t like want endless fried chicken, and trips to poundland then you try and have a modicum of self respect. Not going to happen. If you haven’t got a great job or the ability to not eat and still live then you’ll be okay. Other than that prepare for a life of pot noodle and nights in front of the telly while you try and work out how much spare change you have in your wallet to top up your oyster card. No, I don’t do that. Why do you ask? No, I’m not eating noodles right now. SHUT UP.

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In my day there was no Miley Cyrus. And the world rejoiced.

Posted by idetest on June 13, 2010

Yo bitches

If you’re anything like me and your plan to drink your way through the world cup has been derailed (“what do you mean ‘declined’?”) and you’ve taken to randomly crying yourself to sleep and sitting in the corner trying to escape the permeating noise of vuvezelas (Is that how you spell it? Wait, I don’t care.), then despair no longer, and come with me as we take a magical journey into the world of CARTOONS!

Yes possums I got tired of the soaps (well, actually I was youtubing and there was an incident. I won’t tell you what sort of incident-purely to create a sense of mystery but trust me when I say I may never be able to watch my favourite Lithuanian love triangle in the same way)

Anyway. Cartoons. So these days the only ones I watch are those created by Seth McFarlane (love him, hate him, I think he’s kind of hot in a strange way) or the occasional South Park rerun. Wow, those early episodes sure just started to look cheap and shit pretty quick didn’t they?

I’ve never been a big fan of The Simpsons and I can’t see why it’s still on. And Futurama? I get it, it is funny. Just don’t make me watch it.

No, beloved reader, they are not for me, though have you ever seen Drawn Together? OMG DO! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll quote incessantly! Anyway. What I’m trying to tell you is I used to love cartoon that I watched as a child. I’ll not lie-as a child I was obese ( I wasn’t: I was a runt), I never left the house (I grew up on a farm. It was nay impossible to be allowed in the house to sleep, let alone to watch TV) and so therefore I knew not of this world of make-believe and ‘having fun with your imagination (dirty) and pretending’. No, while I sat in my lazy-boy and scoffed my face with carbohydrates and other processed goodies, occasionally beckoning my mother to wipe the drool from one of my chins you lot played outdoors and did things with sticks and goats and whatever else lies out there…in nature.

So when it comes to TV, particularly cartoons, I am a whore of knowledge. It’s coming out of every orifice. Even some I was unaware of possessing. Anyway let us commence in our wonderful, and completely biased and very vague journey.

Rugrats:

Chuckie and  Tommy

One word: Angelica. When they made her they broke the motherfucking mould. Bitch was extreme. She’d cut that little bald ho cousin of hers, beatdown the evil ginger, smack up them faecal matter obsessed twin trannies and lay the smack down on hippy-ass Suzy.

Bitch made it real. I’m personally disappointed that Angelica wasn’t a real person and hasn’t gone on to star in a series of reality TV show (Heidi Montag is that you?). That said back in the day when I still went to church and said my prayers I was obviously on Tommy and the gang of ho’s side against her. Oh, how little I knew.

In short I loved this show. It was silly, mildly subversive towards America’s backward ass, overly-PC, strangely prioritised, ‘OMG the children are near a bug! DISENFECT! DISENFECT! Phew. Now, coffee? Liquor? Yeah just drop them over there in the corner they’ll be fine, let’s go get DRANK!” fucked up attitude towards parenting. Did you not notice that? Their parents were always off having ‘coffee’ (that was what my mum used to say.) while they ran around getting themselves nearly murdered by paedophiles and a serious case of the child sex trafficking.

Good times. Takes me back to the good old days. My favourite episode was when they thought it was the end of the world, OOOoo and the episode when they went on a journey to the North Pole, and to the moon. It was a great show.

And then they ruined it by making movies, giving him a little brother and then doing a version where they were teenagers (I KID YOU THE HELL NOT!)

Ugh.

Captain Planet:

Captain Planet, he’s a hero, gonna take pollution down to zero! C’mon you know the words! Sing a long! It’s like a Ricky Martin song but even gayer (impossible I Hear you say! Anything is possible when they gay’s are around I say. Remember, we invented spandex).

Yeah, Captain Planet was the buff guy who, before Avatar, made being blue look good. And in that little suit of his. Mmm-hmm I would have done things to him that would make a backstreet Thai hooker blush.

Aside from my boy Captain P there was of course his little gang of misfit juvenile delinquents who were apparently the main characters. Let’s see there was the evil ginge from New York, who had the power to control fire. Lame. Then there was the African dude who did something with the earth.  Then there was blonde Russian whatsherface-Anna Kourniknova 2.0-who controlled wind. And some Asian chick who controlled water (and yet didn’t stop that tsunami, though did she?  Honestly. Too busy eating, I bet you-she looked like the sort who’d chunk up later in life). Oh, and the gay Latino guy with the monkey. We shall call him Enrique Iglesias. He can be friends with that Ricky Martin lookalike Captain P. I also remember his power was ‘heart’. Yeah go figure on that one.

Then they had their cool little ‘when our powers combine thing!’ which totally made all the ‘recycle, plant trees, don’t club seals to death, always wipe front to back’ messages bearable because you knew soon you’d have Captain P rocking the spanx.

OMG How I could forget though. MOTHERFUCKING GAIA! Yes GAIA. You have to say her name in capitals. She’s like Oprah. Sorry, OPRAH. In fact I think she actually was supposed to be OPRAH. Either that or an early version of Halle Berry’s take on Storm from X-Men. Anyway, bitch wore purple flowy robes and looked FABULOUS, and then there was a spaceship, and I remember them living on an island or some shit. Anyways it was the world’s gayest show. Like an ad for the Green Party’s LGBT wing but with 20% more jazz hands (that’d be Enrique).

Aside from this it was pretty shit though. They only had one proper villain. And he was shit. I think he was deformed or something (not as open-minded as they thought they were. Bigots-and they wouldn’t let Enrique and Captain P get it on. Homophobes. You just knew they were gagging for each other. Though I’m pretty sure Enrique was supposedly only about 12 though. Whatevs. Captain P holds back oil spills he can be allowed some casual child abuse in his spare time if he wants). Mm. Maybe this show wasn’t as fabulous as I remember….

Gargoyles:

http://mantequillaconazucar.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/gargoyles14.jpg

Best. Show. Ever. Hands. Down. Oh. My. God. I. Can’t. Stop. Writing. Like. This. Help. Me.

Anyway. This damn amazing show, which is JUST BEGGING to be made into a summer blockbuster (Michael Bay. You have your orders. And for God’s sake put your chest hair away.), was my brother and I’s favourite show when were young.

And what’s not to love; Scottish medieval Gargoyles are transported to Modern day (early 90s whatever) NYC and FIGHT CRIME. Yes, they fight crime. Also they turn to stone in the day, and there’s an evil gargoyle who was the bitchy, bitter ex of the head gargoyle called Demona. And bitch was evil. And blue. Yup. Blue. But I’m saying nothing James Cameron. Nothing.

And there were flashback to the days of old; for some reason the writers decided 10th century Scotland was the place their story would unfold so they had King Malcolm (yes, that King Malcolm) running around. This show was the only reason I passed High School English.

Also, their villain who was then an ally, but then a villain again, but still creepy, but a villain, was I believe called Xanatos. And he took a whole castle and shoved it down into Manhattan where he sort of built it into a skyscraper-I have to double-check this part as it sounds ridiculous.

Nope, just double checked. That is what happened. Man, they need to make shit a repeat. I would be there with beer and Doritos faster than you can say ‘reliving your childhood because your adult life sucks’.

Hey Arnold!:

https://i0.wp.com/cdn2.ioffer.com/img/item/145/483/815/Vs4LJpCFF2iEyY1.jpg

Ah, yes my aforementioned love of Hey Arnold! still withstands. Basically the set up was Arnie was an orphan who lived with his senile grandparents in a rundown Brooklyn (?)  Boarding house with a bunch of druggies, dole bludgers and (whisper this one) immigrants. Yuck. Shudder.

Anyway, he goes to his school, hangs around with his mates, and gets into the usual adolescent troubles of cartoon characters. Y’know getting lost after dark, grudge matches with the other schools, getting crushes on cute boys girls and other such fun. But that wasn’t what made the show great. What did was the fact that it went places other cartoons didn’t: you got to meet everyone in Arnold’s class; and then meet their families, hear about their lives and all sorts of other great shit. And it wasn’t dumbed down (I’m looking at you Arthur. Ya little Cunt.), one episode focused around the school bully not being able to read, to the shock of his sweet Jewish parents (I know! Jews in a cartoon! Hence why this shows was great), then there was Helga’s older sister being the golden child for her emotionally abusive father and drunk mum (it was implied)and her love/hate relationship with them, also their were poor kids, rich kids, single mothers. There was an even an episode where Arnold’s black best friend (it wasn’t always that progressive I know) voice broke.

Basically this show would make a great antidote to the usual Gossip Girl/ 90210 shlop American teens are fed. It could be remade, better and bigger and really work. It could be the American Skins! (It couldn’t. But it wouldn’t be worse than the American remake of Skins that’s already being made. Yup, that’s right. Go lie down awhile- I’ll wait.)

Arthur:

The fuck no am I talking about this shit. Piss off you little four -eyed aardvark gimp. I will cut a bitch.

Doug:

https://i0.wp.com/cdn2.ioffer.com/img/item/389/997/86/doug.jpg

More like it. Doug is in the middle between Hey Arnold! and Arthur in terms of quality despite being aimed at an older audience.

Everything in Doug is a little bit trippy and annoying. Everything is called Beet something and all the characters are strange colours and have weird names. It gets old kind of fast. But the show, does grow on you.

I used to dislike this show but couldn’t remember why but know it doesn’t seem so bad. Maybe I was too hard on it. Oh, wait I just remembered the amount of people who were green in it. Maybe it was shit…

Look out for Part II coming soon. Or don’t. Whatever, I don’t care about you either.

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Humanity’s greatest Achievement: The Dutch ruin everything.

Posted by idetest on June 11, 2010

Ugh.

So here we are continuing our journey across the continent that gave us steam engines, the common cold and Eurovision and we find ourselves in my least favourite of all the glorious former empire-makers of the world’s bitter and twisted shells; Holland (The Netherlands, Whatevs. Pick a lane, bitches).

Yes, for a nation famed for its tall citizens, lack of ability to differentiate between throat clearing and an actual language, windmills, wooden shoes, tulips, pot and anti Islamic revelry it oddly enough has about as much creative presence in the world of soap as Amy Winehouse does in coming up with excuses for being back on the crack (Sheila needs to go and become friends with Lindsay ‘I dropped a drink on my leg’ Lohan for a lesson how to maintain a lie despite all evidence being to the contrary.)

Anywaaaaaaay.

Honestly I’m not sure what we were expecting for a country that prides itself on being built on the edge of land they managed to piece together after they bunged up the water ways with used spliff’s and bits of old clog but there you go.

The Dutch’s exact thoughts on soap are this; campy, American inspired shlock with the usual European ‘wild abandon’ attitude towards swearing and whatnot but with far less sex than their Eastern neighbours (boo) but still a tad more advanced and less tryhard in terms of their teen soaps than the Spanish (wee-ho(?)).

Thus Dutch soaps come in two forms: Teeny bopper shite with moral messages and roll-your-eyes at the Brady Brunch do The Hague moments and the more grown up version with the usual bad plots that wouldn’t let them be screened somewhere they respect soaps (The UK) and over the top campy ‘my brother’s back from the dead and now she’s my sister, also she had a baby what got switched at birth with the son of a gangster who is paralysed’ type shite.

Anyway. Let’s get down to business.

Goede Tijden Slechte Tijden:

https://i0.wp.com/www.hanry.nl/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/goede-tijden-slechte-tijden-logo-2009.jpg

Y’all remember how I said the Eurozone was big on Australian soaps? Yeah well I weren’t lying. This is the Dutch remake of the soap. It’s nothing like the German remake which went to down the path of ‘grim, hyper realism with IZZUES’ and rather intense acting and humour, intelligence and other such things. This is campy backlighting with zero character development or realism to help you through the rough patches.

It’s set in some place called Meerijk which is your usual soap clichéd hole. i.e. Barmen know your name, there’s a local shop where people know your name (only local corner shops-supermarkets are unknown in soaps and won’t be invented for several more decades), everyone knows your damn name in these places.

It’s also, according to its Wikipedia (I am all about research), the longest running soap in Dutch-land and has been going all the way back the Jurassic age: 1990. Which begs the question of what the fuck the Dutchies were watching before this marvel of modern television dawned on them? Probably an all night paedophilia channel (oh wait, that’s Belgium) or endless game shows involving women in bikinis and zany catchphrases (oh wait that’s Italy. What the fuck is wrong with this continent?). Anyway.

Why I’d buy it a pair of dancing clogs: One word: Lucinda. It’s a little known fact (for reasons soon to become apparent) that the American soap As the World Turns is quite well-known in Holland. In fact it’s one of the few countries that it is shown outside Obamarama land. And thus for some reason they have the amazing Liz Hubbard who plays Lucinda the grand dame of Oakdale, a bajillionaire be-yotch that could kill a slag with a glare at fifty paces and calls everyone darling like she’s a cut price Illinois version of Patsy or something, occasionally guest starring. She plays an aunt of the matriarch of the main family. Or maybe she’s the mother. Or grandmother. I don’t know I was watching a Dutch soap opera how much attention do you expect me to pay?

Anyway sister ho goes round cutting bitches and saying all her lines in English (they don’t even have to subtitle her. People are too scared not to understand) and making this shit they dredged up from the bottom of the sea (I mean prime Dutch farm land) halfway watchable.

Why we should blow up the dykes: Did you not read the rest of the rant? Well if not here’s another reason. Have you ever heard Dutch people having a conversation? Do you know what Dutch for ‘I love you’ is? – No it’s not ‘I’m drunk, let’s shag’ like it is in modern English- its ‘Phlegm, gob, spit, throat clear, sinus clearing nasal spray’. Dutch is the most unattractive language on the planet. If Spanish is like having your ear licked then Dutch is like seeing the waitress spit in your drink before being forced to drink it. Seriously clearing your throat should not be a syllable in any language.

Seriously: sort that shit out. It’s rank.

Why I’d get it drunk and go play on a windmill with it: I wouldn’t. I just wouldn’t.  And to quote Destiny’s child ‘you need to chill out with this mess.’ One way of doing so? Cancel this shit quick – before it ruins soap operas good name.

Spangas:

This show is set in a high school somewhere in the Dutch plain states. It’s a weird nickname derived from the proper name of the school they attend. I’m sure it makes sense to them.

Holy hell. It’s like Degrassi: The Amsterdam years. Except less cool. However this soap that seems to be aimed at the 12-16 age group does get points for something- which it needs because it’s shit otherwise- is that it’s our first soap in continental Europe that has ethnics! Woo!

I know Alles Was Zaehlt and a couple other German soaps have Turkish characters. But seriously: potential EU member states do not count. Spangas, has not one but TWO black characters (who are unrelated and in different age groups as well! Quelle shock!).

However, this show is shloppy shit and also deserves to be whipped, beaten and locked in dungeon (but not gagged. They can’t have all the fun stuff) as it really is like an after school special from the 1970s someone decided to rejuvenate and turn into an ongoing serial.

Y’know that shitty cartoon from the 90s Arthur? It was on TV when I was young. It was set at an American elementary school and followed Arthur and his bunch of ho’s and bros as they dealt with their usual issues of suburban kids (binge drinking, heroin addiction, international terrorism, going on the game to pay for the mother’s abortions-the irony-and homework) except they were all animals. Arthur was an aardvark, his best mate/handjob partner Baxter, was a rabbit. I forget what everyone else was because I hated/loved this show. I preferred Hey Arnold. Hell they day they make a live action version of Hey Arnold set in some Brooklyn public high school with drive-bys and crack heads I. AM. THERE.

Moving on-Arthur was the most obviously moral show I have ever watched. Y’know that great little trend of the most obvious hokey shows having a coded subversive message? Yeah. Arthur didn’t. In fact in one episode (the tipping point) Arthur smacks his bitch of a sister DW around the head. Not even a proper backhand across the room just a polite punch to the face. Anyway, you’d think from the rest of the episode that something of importance had happened-every other character treated Arthur like he’d admitting to pouring booze down the sink and couldn’t believe he’d do such a thing.

Maybe it was because my own brother used to rain down beatings on me like there was no tomorrow and I had some sort of Stockholm Syndrome thing going on, but I laughed hysterically at the thought of someone getting a smack from their sibling as being anything more than the trifling, insignificant shit issue it was. The fact that they dared made all our parents out to be neglectful and unloving just because they wouldn’t stop this (unlike Arthur’s faggy dad and lesbian mom) and made us clean up our blood stains was shit. And for that I hate all TV shows which broadcast the perfect families and show children as having to care about dull shit.

This, as you may have guessed from that sudden and unexpected pouring of bitterness, is kind of what this shit show does. There are politically active students who in one recent plotline decided to storm a chicken coop because the hens didn’t have nice conditions. First of this entire plot sucked because not one teenager should ever have such little access to drugs, porn and booze that they have to resort to this for fun, but secondly, and more importantly I don’t think any teenager ever would. Thirdly, one of the student’s classmates parent’s owned the chicken farm. Yeah so that’s cool and not at all a bitchy, vindictive thing to do. Also, they shave their heads and do other ‘righteous’ stuff. Oh, fuck off and go get pregnant or shoot something.

So yeah. Once you’ve waded through all that read this: This show is insulting and talks down to its audience despite it think it’s being current to teen’s issues. I mean Really? (There are some topical issues discussed but it’s mostly very clean and sanitised problems which come up)

Why I’d present it a bouquet of tulips: black characters are not exactly ten a penny in European TV. So kudos for that. Also there’s a Muslim character who wears a headscarf. OMGZ.

Why I’d run their goddamn bicycles off the road with a hummer: Ugh. Dutch men’s hair? Can we talk about this for a second? What is with that ugly type of blonde hair they all have? It’s very thick and wiry and quite curly. But it always seems to make them look like they have a strange receding hairline, even when they don’t. Maybe it’s the strange mullet-esque style it gets worn in, I don’t know. But I saw a Dutch guy on the tube the other week with this hairstyle and it reminded me one of the main characters on this show (chicken coop boy to be exact) who wears his hair like this. German and Scandinavian men are guilty of this as well but the Dutch are most prevalent. It’s ugly and it’s unsettling.

Why I’d buy it a shot: Oh, no they’re underage and besides alcohol can cause cancer, make you pregnant and lead to a lifetime of selling your arse on the street to pay for your next hit if you even so much as look at it. Motherfuckers.

There are at least two other Dutch soaps I know of. One has been cancelled so I won’t even bother, but the other-well, does it look like I enjoy Dutch TV? Do you think I’m going to go and seek it out? Hell no.

I need a lie down and stiff drink.

Next up: we finish up Europe with a whirlwind tour.

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Speaking of Alejandro

Posted by idetest on June 8, 2010

Fascism. It’s so hot right now (I know what I’ll be wearing this summer).

Posted in Sheer brilliance | Leave a Comment »