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Archive for January, 2011

When Good Jewish Girls Go Bad: Black Swan

Posted by idetest on January 31, 2011


Holy Pregnant Chick in French Boyfriend Theft Oscar Worthy Scandal!

Yes, chicos, I once again went out to the movies so you don’t have to. And I went and saw Black Swan.

First off, some thoughts:

1) Squicky gore in hot pursuit of a plot development alert. There’s a scene involving a finger and piece of loose skin. I’ll leave the rest for you to find out for yourself.

2) It’s a bit like What ever happened to baby Jane? in respect to her twisted, whole other level of manipulative fucked upedness Mother and her controlling passive aggressive stranglehold on Natalie Portman’s oh so tortured virgin.

3) Also is a 25-year-old virgin who still lives with her mother comes into your life RUN! She’ll probably try to shank a bitch with a bit of broken mirror.

Aside from these minor quibbles this is a fantastic movie, which from the very first scene is stupendously (an oft overlooked word in adult conversation) creepy and unsettling as we is all drawn further into Natalie Portman’s kafkaesque breakdown.

Howevs, I have read other people’s reviews saying the characters are two-dimensional. Well, fuck me, a movie about mental health issues being dressed up as an arty thriller not being completely original and deep? Blow me down, y’all. Blow. Me. The. Fuck. Down.

Also, Mila Kunis. yes she is very much the supporting actress, but YE GADS McCauly Culkin was a lucky little pasty blond twerp to shack up with that. Cos she fine. I mean seriously, if it wasn’t for her heinous blond streaks I’d tap that.

All in all, a riveting, claustrophobic, unsettling little piece of brilliance which will see me stay far, far away from the Ballet. For evs.


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Books I Read in 2010 (Belated. Also Catchy, Descriptive and Somewhat Mysterious Title, No?)

Posted by idetest on January 17, 2011

In list form. Because it’s my blog so you can just fuck off. In no chronological or any type of other order.

Judging me for having a short list? How am I supposed to remember what I read last January? What am I? A fucking housewife with a book club? Go fuck yourself (Besides, some of dem books is well long).

Also have you not seen how much time I spend watching TV? And going to see lame Hollywood mainstream movies. And drinking. And worrying about how much I weigh. And working 507 hours a week for minimum wage.

  • Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte). What is this shit? I wasted my time reading this for what? So I could understand Twilight better. Give me strength. Also Yorkshire accents are extremely hard to understand when written in dialect. Especially when in your head you can’t stop reading it in a Jamaican accent (It was all the apostrophes).
  • Les Liaisons dangereuses/Dangerous Liaisons (Choderlos de Laclos). It’s alright…epistle type books usually require one to use one’s brain. Especially when written in the eighteenth century. One can’t say one enjoyed this on one’s morning tube journey.
  • The Prisoner of Zenda (Anthony Hope). I dare you not to laugh.
  • The Yiddish Policeman’s Union (Michael Chabon). I thoroughly recommend this book. But then, my love for the Juden knows no rationality or bounds…
  • Without Warning (Will Napier). A tacky thriller. Do not judge me. Also, plot made no sense.
  • Girl with a Dragon Tattoo (Stieg Larsson). I read it. I can’t see what the big deal is. It was a perfectly adequate thriller/crime thing which had pretensions of being a searing socially realistic and eye opening work on the plight of women in Sweden. Howevs. A) Sweden is probs. the most equal and fair country in the world. Suck it up bitches. Also B) the main characters is a womaniser himself…and the female lead is bisexual (but mostly lesbian who is sleeping with a woman at the start) who JUST CAN’T RESIST HIS MANLINESS. Huh.

  • Washington Square (Henry James). Life is too short for this much morally outdated rubbish. Okay, it’s not that bad. Okay, it is. No, it isn’t. It’s just depressing and quite drawn out. Also the characters make you want to bang your head against a wall.

  • This Breathing World (Jose Luis De Juan) A pretentious crossover between ancient Rome and Harvard. It’s also basically gay porn in highbrow prose. Go figure.
  • The Night my Bum Dropped (Gretel Kileen). My flatmate, who was Australian, leant it to me. Therefore I am excused. Also Gretel Kileen is awesome. And she could kick Davina McCall’s arse.

  • Under western Eyes (Joseph Conrad). This was a book I was supposed to read at university which I never quite got around to doing. I read it over Christmas. Can’t say I regretted my decision from university. Boyfriend’s editor should’ve gone slash and burn on that motherfucker cos it is some seriously DRAWN OUT shit. It’s not bad, just fucking DENSE.

  • Official Book Club Section (Kathy Griffin). Catholics, alcoholism, gays, plastic surgery…I’m not embarrassed to own this book.

  • Are You There Vodka, It’s Me Chelsea? (Chelsea Handler). She’s an alcoholic…the book’s title’s a pun…on Judy Blume…gettit? Ugh.

  • My Horizontal Life (Chelsea Handler) I really like female comedians, okay?

  • New Moan (Stephfordy Mayo). A hilarious parody.

  • Scoop (Evelyn Waugh). A satirical swipe at pre war British journalism…and the British Empire. Apparently there’s a film adaptation with Woody Allen out there somewhere. Yeesh. Can’t say I’d race to track that down.

  • Sanditon (Jane Austen). I stole it from work. Can’t say I was overawed.

  • The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald).  This is considered a great American classic? Um.., it’s a grand total of four pages long.  And nothing happens until the last half a page.

  • Tender is the Night (F. Scott Fitzgerald). However this novel is an epic, depressing work of beauty and restraint which will have you reaching for either a tissue or a xanax. I want a movie and I want it now.

  • Daisy Miller (Henry James). Another one of these books that’s about four pages long and makes no sense as to how it’s so acclaimed. Slutty girl gets pneumonia and dies. Everyone goes I told you so. Narrator feels bad. Still thinks she was a slut who got what she deserved.

There may be more to come. I can’t remember now.

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My life, is Like, Really Hard, Y’know?

Posted by idetest on January 17, 2011

Hola chicos

I hear you, asking, nay, berating yourselves over your callous ignorance of my suffering and what causes it. I shall tell you.

My next door neighbour snores like a banshee getting a Brazilian wax. Like a freight train in a Bruce Willis movie. Like the screams of a Catholic Priest at the end of  a swimming lesson.

And yes, even though he may live next door I can hear him. At midnight. At 1am. At 2am. At 3am. You get the picture. The man is my constant companion in life. I may civil partner him just to get me through these long winter nights.

Anyho, these are the steps I have taken so far.

1) Bitter ranting

2) Screaming abuse

3) Banging on the wall (Useless as the wall is made of stone or some shit and rock solid. It sounds like I’m hitting a fish against a fat person’s thigh).

4) Earplugs. I, your humble narrator has to wear these hot, sexy and yes quite daring and avant-garde orange earplugs to be able to get one’s requisite thirteen hours of sleep every night. It’s hellish.

And they don’t even work. But why am I surprised. They’re Boots own brand.

Here’s what I shall try next

1) Alcoholism. I won’t care if I’m passed out by 9pm.

2) Drug addiction. See previous. Also may take up ganja again to help me cope with the stresses of modern life and city lying which are currently driving me to empathise with serial killers.

3) A small animal impaled on a spike left on the doorstep with a note written in blood reading ‘STOP SNORING OR YOU’RE NEXT’.

Obvs. I’m keeping this all in perspective.

Posted in Rants | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Intellectual Stimulation of the Day

Posted by idetest on January 17, 2011

Here is Amanda Palmer. I think she’s a fan of vajazzling.


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A Selection of Audio Visual Treats For Your Entertainment

Posted by idetest on January 9, 2011

Hola, well welcome to 2011.

Yeah, it’s pretty shit.

Anyway, here’s some funny youtube clips to make up for it.


Because life is better with Chloe.



My beloved Downton Abbey is premiering in the USofA soon and this is the only way Americans will understand it.


In other news:

  • Sudan will become two countries. So twice the civil wars and genocide!
  • Thousands of birds are falling from the sky and fish dying in rivers in America. This proves Obama is a socialist apparently (Oh, and it’s the end of the world).
  • Glee comes back to UK television on Monday. And I’ll see you all in July.


Posted in Misc, TV | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »