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Archive for February, 2011

Your Wintertime Nigel-No-Mates-Television-Extravaganza (Sponsored by Snow and Ice)

Posted by idetest on February 1, 2011

Hola bitches!

Yes, like the turning of a cheap soap opera hourglass the seasons keep a-turning and so I keep a-churning out these pieces of trash so as, you, my esteemed, probably socially awkward, overweight readers with little-to-no social life sitting in your bedrooms in Chlamydia, Georgia, can fully understand the brilliance of my views on television.

First off we go continental

The Killing (BBC4, Saturdays)It's the death of fashion too.

SCANDINAVIANS IN CHILLING, BLEAK, MINIMALIST SHOCKER! Yes apaprently the beeb has decided that it quite likes them there Scandie cop dramas and has bought us another one. This one comes from the flat as a pancake, Muslim a-bating land of Hamlet himself: Denmark.

Plot is thus: Sarah Lund, a tough as nails single mum who’s about to fuck off to Sweden with her nineties throwback teenage son to start a new life in a pine clad sauna with her Swedish boyf. gets us all coitus interruptus when a grisly murder of a teenaged girl is uncovered.

It’s all very stylish and bleak (Seriously! Does it rain every day in Copenhagen?) and the acting is brilliant – unlike that failed abortion of a police show (I actually despise the word ‘cop’. Anyone using it in my presence will find 50 points being taken from Gryffindor) Wallander.

Also it’s only one murder over the course of a twenty episode series. Holy hell, that’s almost realistic to the amount of murders that occur in your average major western city and the amount of time it would take the real life police to solve one. Props for that. Because a new serial killer every week is so 2006.

Also slightly annoyed that Denmark, which like New Zealand has approximately four people living in it can afford to make television where the cameraman can swing the machine around and take in whole rooms rather than the two metres of wall behind the actors they could afford to paint. It’s not fair. How come New Zealand always looks like a banana republic? I bet even fucking Iceland has bigger budgets for its TV shows.

Zen (BBC1, Sundays)

I'm hot, you're hot. Let's make Pasta!

The BBC seems to be liking its foreign bobbies atm, so has made a televisual adaptation of some books written by a Brit guy but following the life and times of an overly moral and righteous Roma police officer called Aurelio Zen. Cool name, Good actor, Bad Show.

Seriously, scenery porn about Rome and hot Italiano love interests will only get you so far. Eventually you have to drag your plot out of the cliché storm and actually give us something fresh. Particularly if you’re going to put this on in the wintertime whereas you put Sherlock on in Summer.

But alas three movie length episodes did not give us this. Instead we got such new and original ideas as SECRET VATICAN CONSPIRACIES (not to be taken seriously even without one of the guys from Coupling as the lead character in that subplot), AMORAL BILLIONAIRES GETTING DEADED IN LOCKED ROOM MYSTERY and my own personal favourite HIGH CLASS CALL GIRL/ROMANTIC INTEREST (Because cheap, STI riddled hookers don’t exits in TV. Every one is always a high-class hooker, dripping in diamonds and only servicing members of the government).

In short, looks pretty but short on substance. Very short. Nearly as short as an Italian man.

Being Human (BBC3, Sundays)

First off , I love this show. Or at least I did. I’m not so sure though now. me thinks it would have been better as one of those “One Series” type things. Or even as a movie. As a protracted story now entering its third season it’s starting to get a little bit, um…y’know. Rubbish.

Basically this the set up for new season: They’ve moved to Wales.

That is all.

So now we have to deal with them living in Barry, and every Tom, Dick and Nessa who was in that FUCKING AWFUL PILE OF SHIT Gavin and Stacey turning up as a minor character. Augh! Why does everything have to be set in fucking Wales? No one even lives there!

Also, am over Mitchell’s tortured soul. Not even Stacey Slater telling him he’s going to be killed by a werewolf will make me interested in his vampire antics anymore. Actually I’m not sure why I’m still watching this show as everything about it now annoys me…


Glee (E4, Mondays)

It's like Heroin for the soul

And then there’s this. Oh, lor’ I think I’m gon’ die. also the new blond guy keeps taking his shirt off. Of this I approve whole heartedly.

That is all.

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