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Archive for December, 2010

Best TV of 2010

Posted by idetest on December 29, 2010

Exactly what it says on the box kiddos

1. Downton Abbey. Yes despite the fact that it all went a bit skewiff as it went on and began to look more and more like every other British drama about posh people with lots of ‘funny’ moments where they played jaunty music in the background and everyone smirked (a la Mornach of the Glen. Yeesh. There’s a show no one should admit to ever watching. Even though him what wrote THIS starred in THAT. Ew.), it was still able to ram it home in a few ways.

Kudos for the gay character, who was an evil Machiavellian bastard and well done for getting Maggie Smith in period costume, which should be required for every TV show. However, less well done for being in general too nice: servants takin’ all sorts of liberties, class warfare played as ‘rich girl in impolite, cute male servant gets upset, rich girl apologises, they have steamy eye make outs.’ Yes, I’m sure in 1914 a good decade before the first set of miner’s strikes which was one of the first times the plight of the working class had ever been shown they were already well on their way to Blair’s dream of ‘everyone being middle class now’.

3.5/5

2. Misfits. Rude, crude, lewd, and all round wonderful. Misfits‘ second season doesn’t make sense if you think about why on earth it all happened; every time there’s a big plot development it’s all over at the end of the episode because of time travel. Like why the hell did future Simon come back? How did he come back? How did him and Alicia get together when they had to turn back time to save everyone therefore stopping her from telling him?

Whatevs, the main reason to watch it is the one lines and amazing chavvy brilliance (note; this is the only time the words ‘chav’ and ‘brilliance’ will be together in a sentence on this website. Unless the word ‘murder’ is in the middle.) complete with Lauren Socha (her what plays Kelly) put on a gangsta accent which makes her brilliant lines ever better.

4/5

2010 Christmas special

2.5/5

3. True Blood.

Sookie

Everyone thought Sookie's secret was she was telepathic. No one knew it was really that she was from Naenae.

Even though here in the UK we still are yet to get Series 3, because…because, well the British don’t trust anything that came out after 1954 and so therefore move at a glacial pace, I did however get to see series 2. So that’s what I’m judging on. Despite the fact that show has so many plots and characters and a fairly rigid formula of starting the next episode/series exactly where the last finished it does manage to pack a fair bit in. Even though at some points you’d just like them to slow it down and let us revel in it.

But whatevs, Maryann was a psycho hell-demon/Greek goddess thing. Awesome. Southern Religious Freaks got mocked and satirised. Awesome. Sookie…is from Lower Hutt. Ew. Eric the Swedish Viking Vampire. Awesome.

4/5

4. Sherlock. Now I must say even though this show was highly enjoyable I found myself unable to overlook many of its major faults – it’s just too British to really be as slick and cool as it wants to be. I’m not saying they need to have random explosions everywhere and bring in ‘zany’ characters but it just seems to be too big for its budget and the constraints of the BBC. As long as the budget has been ramped up for the second season and the denouement done slightly better I see no reason why I shan’t fall in love with it.BC

3.5/5

Snooki 5. All reality TV anywhere, anytime! Admit it, you love it. Whether it’s Snooki and her pouf, the real housewives of Nebraska having a cat fight and yelling out “Prostitution Whore!” at each other, or one of the British entries (Young, dumb and Living off Mum, The Only Way is Essex, Snog, Marry, Avoid) reality Tv constantly excels itself in its brilliance and originality. Long may it reign!

5/5

Honourable Mentions

Mongrels: A hilarious satire with puppets playing urban wildlife. I eagerly await Series 2.

Glee: Brilliant songs, witty one liners, terrible, terrible plots that scar the mind.

Upstairs Downstairs: It got good. Mostly because episode 2 gave us Jews and fascists.

Worst TV of 2010- where to start?

X Factor

Anything hosted by Vernon Kay

Two and a half Men

Strictly Come Dancing

Most evening fare on BBC1 (It’s a sad state of events when ITV1 is offering more drama than the beeb)

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Dirty, dirty Bisexualists.

Posted by idetest on December 28, 2010

All this is true and I stand up for the vigorous scientific research 100%

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Birthday Shenanigans

Posted by idetest on December 27, 2010

Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow I intend to imbibe enough liquor to drink a Russian sailor under the table.

But I shall also go see this movie.

Which is probably why I’m better and classier than you.

I suggest, if you want to be more like me, and frankly, why wouldn’t you? I’m the very apex of humanity’s achievements.  All prior generations existed solely to help perfect moi.

Also gay Italians! Rooooawwrr.

Could be nearly as good as that movie about the incestuous Brazilian brothers (Which btw, it’s totally okay to be turned on by because they’re not really brothers…obviously. Slightly regrettably… What? Who said that? La di da…I’m just going to walk off now).

HOLLA!

See you on the other side.

 

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Period Drama Fanboy

Posted by idetest on December 27, 2010

HOLY OUT OF WORK ACTORS GON’ GET A PAYCHEQUE BATMAN!

No, in all seriousness this will be a post about the new BBC remake of the 1970s classic Upstairs Downstairs.

Some thoughts.

  • It’s lost its comma, and is now just Upstairs Downstairs. Kind of like Kylie.
  • The kid who was the schizo emo (it’s okay, it’s not un-PC to call those mental freaks that) on Hollyoaks got a new job and is now a poor northern child with a dark secret. Big career move for him then.
  • Keeley Hawes got a job! She no longer has to try and flog Boots make up. The poor lass, she looked so miserable in those ads. and now look at her, she gets to wear hats and boss servants around! Is that a cool gig, or what?

I never watched the original, obviously; I was born a dozen years after it finished and unfortunately it did not remain in consideration for ‘television’s greatest masterpiece of all time’ like Brideshead Revisited or that one about the Indians (Indians Gone Wild? The name’ll come to me) so I can’t compare. But on reading some of the commentary about it one can say that it would have frustrated me.

It spanned thirty years yet no one aged or mentioned the fact that they’d never had a an ounce of character development over several decades. It’s that sort of thing which pisses me off about tv shows. That and token ethnic characters. But I digress.

This one however, lacks the original leftist bent that the two ladies what wrote it had originally intended and instead is portrayed as a glossy new drama full of Jane Austen moments of escapism from the drudgery of recession and snow blighted England circa 2011, dawn thereof.

The first epeisode…well, it was all a bit nice. The matriarch’s a bitch but she’s just old-fashioned and respects the servants, the wife is a bitch but she’s in over her head and feeling out of place-and probably (gasp) infertile and I’m sure by the end of the season her sister (her of the holey knickers. and not in the Catholic way) will have gone all political and banged and boffed the rather hunky blond chauffeur. Lucky cow.

Also what is it with hunky, blond politically aware chauffeurs? (cough theIrishoneinDowntownAbbeywhowastotallydoable cough)

Other than that, I can’t say I care a jot for the tweeny romance between aforementioned Schizo emo and the maid who is all crying and really overacts and does an incredibly annoying Cockney accent. Srsly. Bitch needs to sort that shit out.

I will of course wait patiently on the fence before I cast judgment though, it could be better than Downton Abbey, which drifted off course terribly towards the end of the season, it could be worse. But at the moment I’m just left thinking “Is there a point? Will they get to it soon? And why is everyone being so nice? Will someone say something CLASSIST?!”

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Christmas. It’s so Gay. And not in the good way.

Posted by idetest on December 27, 2010

Hola Chicos,

I Hope we all had a good one.

In fact I hope it was so good that you’ll all want to keep the memory sacred by never having another opportunity to have it ruined by a mediocre Christmas next year. And with that in mind I say we ban Christmas.

Now I know what you’re thinking “Oh, he’s a rampantly anti-Christian liberal, leftie bastard who won’t let us celebrate our mildly paedophiliac (Word?) holiday about some bitch what got knocked up and was too embarrassed to tell everyone the truth that the father was Bucktooth Barry and not the School Football Captain, Joseph (Little did everyone know though that Joseph had a baby dick and a water sports fetish. So, all in all of course poor wee Mary had to go find love in the arms of another).”

Which I am.

But also I am a Socialist Muslim Terrorist Commie who believes that Capitalism and Organised Religion form two corners of the trinity of evil (Lesbians being the third corner) and that when they are brought together humanity’s darkest days are upon us.

Want Proof?

Dec. 26, 2004. A magnitude 9.0 quake struck off the coast of Sumatra, triggering tsunamis that swept through the coastal regions of a dozen countries bordering the Indian Ocean. The death toll has been estimated at between 225,000 and 275,000.

Dec. 26, 2003. An earthquake devastated the ancient city of Bam, in central Iran, leaving between 31,000 and 43,000 people dead.

And that’s just what I found on some weird Canadian news website after approximately three seconds of googling. The fact that both those things happened in mostly Muslim and other non-Christian countries further proves a point…or possibly ruins my point. I’m not sure. There are arguments for both

Non Christians deserve to die BECUZ DEY IS MUZALIM INFIDELZ.

Non Christians have died as God’s wrath against us for our butchering of Christmas.

Whatever. I’m just glad they didn’t happen here.

In short, I say we ban Christmas. Mostly cuz I’m fucking sick of it.

Think about it.

  • Everything shuts down for weeks.
  • You have to spend it with your family. Ew.
  • It’s destroying the world’s natural resources by making us buying lots of Made In Taiwan plastic junk that’ll be used for approx. five seconds before we tire of it and throw it away.
  • Bad, bad, BAD, BAD Christmas Television.
  • The poor Queenie having to do her annual message. She’s not a natural on camera, can she please be let off this obviously stressful duty and allowed to go and glug down a few bottles of sherry like every other OAP on Christmas Day?
  • I may have mentioned having to spend it with one’s family already but there are certain things in life that one must always make sure that other people are aware of. Like the horrors of enforced family togetherness time.

So, who’s with me? Let’s KILL JESUS!

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Yuletide Bitchin’

Posted by idetest on December 22, 2010

Hola chicos

Well today I started my Christmas Vay-Cay (Heeeey!) so I thought I’d celebrate with vodka, jesus LIST OF THINGS I DOTH HATE

Ok, mein ein kinder, it’s been a long and hard winter so far and the Lord sees fit to let it continue so I warm myself by glugging down the sweet nectar and letting my-inner-not-very-nice-person-but-good-deep-deep-deep-deep-deep-deep-down engage it’s full on hatetitude.

Hallelujah. Stuck that in yo’ pipe and smoke it, Jesus (Pronounced Hey-Zeus. You racist)

  1. The inability of humanity to subdue their base instincts while using public transport and forcing me to deal with their disguising habits while enclosed in a metal box hurtling through the underworld.
  • These include the sub categories of
  • Slightly overweight blonde girls in Ugg Boots who can’t seem to lift their feet while traipsing their fat asses around the town. For fuck’s sake lift up your fucking feet you crass, classless little plebs before I take those ugly pieces of filth of your feet and ram them down your over-used piehole of a mouth. You slags (said in a Barbara Windsor voice).
  • Them what make out on public transport (particular mentions to disgustingly attractive Spanish, French, Italian and other romance language nationalities. Especially the teenagers. You fuckers, just go make a sex tape if you’re so desperate for us to see your O-face. Also mentioned: unattractive, overweight people desperate to prove they can get some. At least the continentals just go in for some kissy-kissy actions. If I wanted to see you dry hump something I’d wait in your closet until you thought you were alone with your World of Warcraft boxes. Sick)
  • Fat people. You know your crimes.
  • Tourists what don’t seem to understand basic instructions: move to the side if standing on the escalators rather than walking up them, move to the side of the platform rather than standing in the entrance with what seems like every suitcase ever made, rather than blocking it for everyone else. I hate you all. Except Germans, I quite like German ones: they apologise if you glare at them while they’re doing it and shamefacedly hurry out of the way. Bless.
  • People who seem to think we can’t see them picking their nose. Dude, you’re in a carriage with 100 other people. We’re a metre away from you. We can see you licking your fingers afterward as well. You are disgusting and when the revolution comes I shall make sure you are first in line for the firing squads.
  • TFL in general. A strike? On BOXING DAY? Oh, you utter cunts.

2. X Factor, ITV and all those who watch it. Yes, all twenty million of you. It’s terrible! The bloke who one couldn’t even sing and it seems more and more apparent that yes, Cheryl Cole is actually as dumb and chavvy as first thought and yet, YET still 1/3, ONE FUCKING THIRD of the population watched it. There must have been hospitals full of people just holding on to die just to get those sort of numbers. It’s a travesty. I refuse to partake in anything X-factor related unless it’s an official burning ceremony for all of Cheryl Cole’s hair extensions.

3. The Tories. Then again…. did you know the partner/wife/girlfriend/beard of the émigré Jew henceforth known as The-Miliband-Brother-What-Won is worth £16 million? Yeah, she’s a Paris Hilton in disguise heiress to some bizarre fortune. This may be wrong. It may be someone associated with them. But whatevs. Close enough for my liking for me to say “They are all as bad as each other.”

4. That Jodi Picoult is still writing novels.

5. Sarah Palin is still around I see.

6. The world’s continued refusal to realise how brilliant I am and that I should be listened to emphatically on all subjects.

7. The fact that people think I should find their children cute. I don’t. I’m tempted to push it in front of a car. Especially if it touches me again, if I liked children surely I’d have closed my eyes, lay back and thought of Ricky Martin (ahem) with some of psychologically unstable, obese McDonalds employee named Denise to have a few of my own by now. Obvs. that is not the case. (I swear to Allah it isn’t).

So no, the next time your only reason for living (get a life, you sad maladjusted freak) decides to LOOK at me or even worse, BREATH near me, do not be surprised if I dropkick it into the path of an oncoming large vehicular shaped thing quickly coming towards at a high speed. Because, that, that my darling is what I find cute.

8. Snowmageddon! Snowpocalypse! …Or in reality a few inches of snow. I don’t understand why every year the newspapers go mad. It’s just frozen rain, you don’t need to run articles saying (as was in the Daily Express this morning) that Christmas would be ruined and we were facing a zombie apocalypse because soon the supermarkets would have empty shelves. Huh, frankly that would be a good thing for most people if we all lived on our fat reserves for a few days. A collective national detox. Most wonderful.

9. Americans. British slang. It’s just painful for everyone. This also goes for British people being obsessed with Americanisms…and more recently Australianisms: Aforementioned bloody Ugg Boots. Ugh.

10. Christmas time in general. No, I don’t want to spend hundreds of pounds on shitty gifts for friends and family that they don’t want or need, no I don’t want to have to wait several weeks for everyone to come back to work and to sober up. I want my services and I want them open NOW! No, I don’t care about NYE. I spend my life staying up till midnight and drunkenly saluting the clock going “Well, you win another day, monsieur (*suddenly points out arm and waves finger menacingly*) But my time shall come!” I don’t see why I should have to do it with the rest of humanity on this particular night.

There’s also the usual rant about how capitalism is evil, etc, etc in there as well. Just look for it. Read between the lines.

Good night.

Now fuck off.

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I Think I Know Her

Posted by idetest on December 21, 2010

Admit it. You’re dying to go and see her, aren’t you?

OKRRRRR!!!!

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Harry Goes Wild and Other Harry Potter Jokes: A Movie Review of the Wizard as a Young Man

Posted by idetest on December 8, 2010

Hola chicos

I offer tonight a very belated review (bullet points) of Harry Potter and the Sexual Confusion Part 1

 

I think I once saw this same poster in the adult section of a video store

The Plot: Harry, Hermione and Ronald McDonald traverse the more picturesque part of Britain a la refugee style after Voldemort goes all psycho-er and re-enacts Hitler’s Germany-without-the-fun-musical-numbers on the Wizarding world and kills everyone and everything (Mad Eye! Hedwig! Dobby…okay technically he’s a person…but whatevs) while searching for a mythical wand that’s the most powerful penis substitute in all the land.

The CGI: Good! Especials the part where we learn some wizarding fairy tales and the movie manages to have a discussion about the merits of twilight *groan* (I’m sure JK Rowling was weeping…weeping into a £100 note and then setting them alight).

The acting:…eugh. Low.

Helena Bonham Carter being overrated: Fair to middling (though it bings high at some points)

The Malfoys all as walking billboards for natural hair colours: Off the flamin’ chart.

Dumbledore Homometer: Has a arty minimalist tomb in all white that looks like an exhibit at a Spanish museum. Poof.

Creepiness: Very high. Especially bits with snakes and rotting corpses.

Some other thoughts:

a) Hermione lives in a nice neighbourhood

b) Daniel Radcliffe is still failing to work on his acting to a point where it ….ain’t shit.

c) Rupert Grint. I’m embarrassed for him.

d) Draco Malfoy. I’d tap that.

e) Will this ever end?

Okay, okay: the movie is okay. It’s creepy, atmospheric and parts of it aren’t sooo badly acted I suppose. Howevs. it’s still a Harry Potter film so don’t go expecting anything special and y’know…good. Hell, don’t even go expecting the first Transformers movie.

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Winters Warmers and WhatFuckingEvers

Posted by idetest on December 2, 2010

Hola chicos, how you been?

Some points for contemplation

1) We have snow in London. If I could be bothered I’d put up photos. I cannot be however. Anyway, the fun part has now finished and now we are just at the ice, ice baby stage of not being able to walk on the pavement for a fortnight without doing some sort of crazed Benny Hill-esque comic act and ending up arse first on the ground. Sigh.

2) Listening to Alanis Morissette, as everyone should, the wonderful, crazed barefoot and pregnant woman she is – Canadian though, but acceptable. Like Dion, Celine  and Reynolds, Ryan- I noted in her song “Oughta Know” she says the line “Does she speak eloquently?” which as a child, when my parents bought me the 1995 Grammy Nominees cassette (‘member those?), I thought she said ‘Eloquenee’; some sort of strange, secret North American language not known by us in the Southern Hemisphere. It was several years before I discovered the actual word. We shall not mention the fact that I was seven and listening to songs that included lyrics about giving blowjobs in a movie theatre. Blame my parents. God knows I do.

3) Tonight I worked at the launch party for the BBC’s Winter Programming Schedule. It included Little Britain, Eastenders and Doctor Who. Ugh, I hate the poor.

Also I eavesdropped on their conversations. They were all talking about X-Factor. Make of that what you will.

4) How fabulous are the Wikileaks Us Embassy Cables? I’ve been reading them incessantly. They’s brill. If you haven’t read them I demand you go here and catch up on what Prince Andrew’s been doing in Central Asia, how the Chinese aren’t quite as insane as well all first thought and how Americans are actually slightly more astute than they are given credit for (except for that whole letting them get leaked thing).

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