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Posts Tagged ‘I would love to wake up and be living in this TV show.’

Period Drama Fanboy

Posted by idetest on December 27, 2010

HOLY OUT OF WORK ACTORS GON’ GET A PAYCHEQUE BATMAN!

No, in all seriousness this will be a post about the new BBC remake of the 1970s classic Upstairs Downstairs.

Some thoughts.

  • It’s lost its comma, and is now just Upstairs Downstairs. Kind of like Kylie.
  • The kid who was the schizo emo (it’s okay, it’s not un-PC to call those mental freaks that) on Hollyoaks got a new job and is now a poor northern child with a dark secret. Big career move for him then.
  • Keeley Hawes got a job! She no longer has to try and flog Boots make up. The poor lass, she looked so miserable in those ads. and now look at her, she gets to wear hats and boss servants around! Is that a cool gig, or what?

I never watched the original, obviously; I was born a dozen years after it finished and unfortunately it did not remain in consideration for ‘television’s greatest masterpiece of all time’ like Brideshead Revisited or that one about the Indians (Indians Gone Wild? The name’ll come to me) so I can’t compare. But on reading some of the commentary about it one can say that it would have frustrated me.

It spanned thirty years yet no one aged or mentioned the fact that they’d never had a an ounce of character development over several decades. It’s that sort of thing which pisses me off about tv shows. That and token ethnic characters. But I digress.

This one however, lacks the original leftist bent that the two ladies what wrote it had originally intended and instead is portrayed as a glossy new drama full of Jane Austen moments of escapism from the drudgery of recession and snow blighted England circa 2011, dawn thereof.

The first epeisode…well, it was all a bit nice. The matriarch’s a bitch but she’s just old-fashioned and respects the servants, the wife is a bitch but she’s in over her head and feeling out of place-and probably (gasp) infertile and I’m sure by the end of the season her sister (her of the holey knickers. and not in the Catholic way) will have gone all political and banged and boffed the rather hunky blond chauffeur. Lucky cow.

Also what is it with hunky, blond politically aware chauffeurs? (cough theIrishoneinDowntownAbbeywhowastotallydoable cough)

Other than that, I can’t say I care a jot for the tweeny romance between aforementioned Schizo emo and the maid who is all crying and really overacts and does an incredibly annoying Cockney accent. Srsly. Bitch needs to sort that shit out.

I will of course wait patiently on the fence before I cast judgment though, it could be better than Downton Abbey, which drifted off course terribly towards the end of the season, it could be worse. But at the moment I’m just left thinking “Is there a point? Will they get to it soon? And why is everyone being so nice? Will someone say something CLASSIST?!”

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I wish I was Pretty and Thin.

Posted by idetest on October 11, 2010

Omg y’all I know lately that I’ve been showing you a lot of videos and we’ve been talking about TV (and not TV that is sacrosanct…a la soaps de la Jesus) but one of my fav. shows of all time the last few months is back on the television

Prepare yourself.

For Vampire Diaries.

*I just wet myself a little.*

Anyway, for those of you what don’t watch this televisual adaptation of the combined works of Pinter, Plath and Proust and are so therefore all “Que?” at my love of this show I shall explain the plot to you.

There is a girl. Her name is Elena Gilbert. She lives in a nice big house (What? It’s American. Americans don’t let the poor on TV) in a well to do little town somewhere in deepest, darkest Virigin-ia (Hah!). In real life she is played by Nina Dobrev who wins at everything in life because she’s a Hungarian BULGARIAN-Canadian who played a single ‘mom’ on Degrassi. Degrassi, people! O how I love thee.

Anyho, Elena’s ma and pa get deaded in a car accident and then a few months later after Elena is finished crying her skinny white girl ass down to a size -4 she goes back to school and encounters a HOT, studly, beautiful, HOT, manly, pectorially blessed young man named Stefan (say it like Bill from True Blood if it makes you feel better). Anyway turns out Stefan is actually a Civil War vet or something and him and his so-evil-but-so-damn-hot brother Damon, who must have not a complete conversation since puberty…why? Let me show you;

Him: Hi

Anyone human with a pulse: Hell- oh, wow!

Him: How are you?

AHWAP: DO ME! *jumps on him and tries to rape him*

Anyway, they all get in one big love triangle of angst. Damon is pretty. Everyone on this show is pretty. It’s on the CW so no surprises. But seriously they pretty much just raided a “these people are too good-looking to even be models. They just sort of drift ethereally around LA not eating” catalogue.

Even the High School History Teacher looks as such:

My high school teachers all wore clothes from K-mart and were over forty. I'm not bitter.

So, they move into town and are soon outed as vampires and go around killing people (which is pretty progressive for a show aimed at 11 year olds in Missouri). Also, Elena’s mop-haired younger brother is a druggie. And Elena and Stefan have sexuals after like two episodes. So this show deffo ain’t written by no damn Mormons.

Other things:

1) Nina Dobrev clearly had botox over season 1 and 2’s break. Her forehead has a vein running the length of it that could double as a new Berlin Wall if them commies ever get feisty again.

2) There is a black best friend. Lose points. Black best friend is not sassy at all and is very well spoken and bourgeois. Points gained. Black best friend is a witch…yes, an actual witch…which she gets from her ancestor who was a slave to a vampire back in the good ole days. Points…nuetral. BBF routinely goes “Listen hear vampy chaps, I gosh-darn do not approve and refuse to deal with your insufferableness except you are shagging me best mate so I gotta be nice to y’all. But I’ll be passive aggressive about it. And make bitchy one liners.” For actual originality in a teen show (What? You mean having a BF isn’t more important than the fact him and his bruvva kill half the town? FEMINISM OVERLOAD)  points a million.

3) Nina Debrov’s bff on Degrassi is Shanae Grimes from 90210. Aww, look who got the better show.*

4) Tyler, the hot jock who is Elena’s ex bf’s bff and the son of the werewolf (Guessing here) evil conspiring mayor is Latino. No biggy, except his family are supposed to have helped found the town back in the eighteen-something or others. No biggie – there were Latino people living there back then…right? Yes, well that would be fine except the actors playing his parents are obvously Whitey McWhite and  his wife Mrs Whiteonia Von Whiterson. I’m pretty sure this means one thing: In a later season we’ll find out Whiteonia was shagging the gardener Jesus, Desperate Housewives style. And the gardener was some new type of vampire what can breed and has a rare superpower where he can murder people with the beat. The beat and even some rhythm (Cos they’re Latino get it? And Latin people are really good dancers… Oh never mind.).

4) I feel fat and ugly watching this show.

5) Did I mention she has a stoner younger brother? Who shags around and is supposed to be 12? Yeah; I want their lives. And their houses. They all live in huge manors. Just to add to the realism.

*Obvs. on a heavy sliding scale of quality.

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In my day there was no Miley Cyrus. And the world rejoiced.

Posted by idetest on June 13, 2010

Yo bitches

If you’re anything like me and your plan to drink your way through the world cup has been derailed (“what do you mean ‘declined’?”) and you’ve taken to randomly crying yourself to sleep and sitting in the corner trying to escape the permeating noise of vuvezelas (Is that how you spell it? Wait, I don’t care.), then despair no longer, and come with me as we take a magical journey into the world of CARTOONS!

Yes possums I got tired of the soaps (well, actually I was youtubing and there was an incident. I won’t tell you what sort of incident-purely to create a sense of mystery but trust me when I say I may never be able to watch my favourite Lithuanian love triangle in the same way)

Anyway. Cartoons. So these days the only ones I watch are those created by Seth McFarlane (love him, hate him, I think he’s kind of hot in a strange way) or the occasional South Park rerun. Wow, those early episodes sure just started to look cheap and shit pretty quick didn’t they?

I’ve never been a big fan of The Simpsons and I can’t see why it’s still on. And Futurama? I get it, it is funny. Just don’t make me watch it.

No, beloved reader, they are not for me, though have you ever seen Drawn Together? OMG DO! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll quote incessantly! Anyway. What I’m trying to tell you is I used to love cartoon that I watched as a child. I’ll not lie-as a child I was obese ( I wasn’t: I was a runt), I never left the house (I grew up on a farm. It was nay impossible to be allowed in the house to sleep, let alone to watch TV) and so therefore I knew not of this world of make-believe and ‘having fun with your imagination (dirty) and pretending’. No, while I sat in my lazy-boy and scoffed my face with carbohydrates and other processed goodies, occasionally beckoning my mother to wipe the drool from one of my chins you lot played outdoors and did things with sticks and goats and whatever else lies out there…in nature.

So when it comes to TV, particularly cartoons, I am a whore of knowledge. It’s coming out of every orifice. Even some I was unaware of possessing. Anyway let us commence in our wonderful, and completely biased and very vague journey.

Rugrats:

Chuckie and  Tommy

One word: Angelica. When they made her they broke the motherfucking mould. Bitch was extreme. She’d cut that little bald ho cousin of hers, beatdown the evil ginger, smack up them faecal matter obsessed twin trannies and lay the smack down on hippy-ass Suzy.

Bitch made it real. I’m personally disappointed that Angelica wasn’t a real person and hasn’t gone on to star in a series of reality TV show (Heidi Montag is that you?). That said back in the day when I still went to church and said my prayers I was obviously on Tommy and the gang of ho’s side against her. Oh, how little I knew.

In short I loved this show. It was silly, mildly subversive towards America’s backward ass, overly-PC, strangely prioritised, ‘OMG the children are near a bug! DISENFECT! DISENFECT! Phew. Now, coffee? Liquor? Yeah just drop them over there in the corner they’ll be fine, let’s go get DRANK!” fucked up attitude towards parenting. Did you not notice that? Their parents were always off having ‘coffee’ (that was what my mum used to say.) while they ran around getting themselves nearly murdered by paedophiles and a serious case of the child sex trafficking.

Good times. Takes me back to the good old days. My favourite episode was when they thought it was the end of the world, OOOoo and the episode when they went on a journey to the North Pole, and to the moon. It was a great show.

And then they ruined it by making movies, giving him a little brother and then doing a version where they were teenagers (I KID YOU THE HELL NOT!)

Ugh.

Captain Planet:

Captain Planet, he’s a hero, gonna take pollution down to zero! C’mon you know the words! Sing a long! It’s like a Ricky Martin song but even gayer (impossible I Hear you say! Anything is possible when they gay’s are around I say. Remember, we invented spandex).

Yeah, Captain Planet was the buff guy who, before Avatar, made being blue look good. And in that little suit of his. Mmm-hmm I would have done things to him that would make a backstreet Thai hooker blush.

Aside from my boy Captain P there was of course his little gang of misfit juvenile delinquents who were apparently the main characters. Let’s see there was the evil ginge from New York, who had the power to control fire. Lame. Then there was the African dude who did something with the earth.  Then there was blonde Russian whatsherface-Anna Kourniknova 2.0-who controlled wind. And some Asian chick who controlled water (and yet didn’t stop that tsunami, though did she?  Honestly. Too busy eating, I bet you-she looked like the sort who’d chunk up later in life). Oh, and the gay Latino guy with the monkey. We shall call him Enrique Iglesias. He can be friends with that Ricky Martin lookalike Captain P. I also remember his power was ‘heart’. Yeah go figure on that one.

Then they had their cool little ‘when our powers combine thing!’ which totally made all the ‘recycle, plant trees, don’t club seals to death, always wipe front to back’ messages bearable because you knew soon you’d have Captain P rocking the spanx.

OMG How I could forget though. MOTHERFUCKING GAIA! Yes GAIA. You have to say her name in capitals. She’s like Oprah. Sorry, OPRAH. In fact I think she actually was supposed to be OPRAH. Either that or an early version of Halle Berry’s take on Storm from X-Men. Anyway, bitch wore purple flowy robes and looked FABULOUS, and then there was a spaceship, and I remember them living on an island or some shit. Anyways it was the world’s gayest show. Like an ad for the Green Party’s LGBT wing but with 20% more jazz hands (that’d be Enrique).

Aside from this it was pretty shit though. They only had one proper villain. And he was shit. I think he was deformed or something (not as open-minded as they thought they were. Bigots-and they wouldn’t let Enrique and Captain P get it on. Homophobes. You just knew they were gagging for each other. Though I’m pretty sure Enrique was supposedly only about 12 though. Whatevs. Captain P holds back oil spills he can be allowed some casual child abuse in his spare time if he wants). Mm. Maybe this show wasn’t as fabulous as I remember….

Gargoyles:

http://mantequillaconazucar.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/gargoyles14.jpg

Best. Show. Ever. Hands. Down. Oh. My. God. I. Can’t. Stop. Writing. Like. This. Help. Me.

Anyway. This damn amazing show, which is JUST BEGGING to be made into a summer blockbuster (Michael Bay. You have your orders. And for God’s sake put your chest hair away.), was my brother and I’s favourite show when were young.

And what’s not to love; Scottish medieval Gargoyles are transported to Modern day (early 90s whatever) NYC and FIGHT CRIME. Yes, they fight crime. Also they turn to stone in the day, and there’s an evil gargoyle who was the bitchy, bitter ex of the head gargoyle called Demona. And bitch was evil. And blue. Yup. Blue. But I’m saying nothing James Cameron. Nothing.

And there were flashback to the days of old; for some reason the writers decided 10th century Scotland was the place their story would unfold so they had King Malcolm (yes, that King Malcolm) running around. This show was the only reason I passed High School English.

Also, their villain who was then an ally, but then a villain again, but still creepy, but a villain, was I believe called Xanatos. And he took a whole castle and shoved it down into Manhattan where he sort of built it into a skyscraper-I have to double-check this part as it sounds ridiculous.

Nope, just double checked. That is what happened. Man, they need to make shit a repeat. I would be there with beer and Doritos faster than you can say ‘reliving your childhood because your adult life sucks’.

Hey Arnold!:

https://i2.wp.com/cdn2.ioffer.com/img/item/145/483/815/Vs4LJpCFF2iEyY1.jpg

Ah, yes my aforementioned love of Hey Arnold! still withstands. Basically the set up was Arnie was an orphan who lived with his senile grandparents in a rundown Brooklyn (?)  Boarding house with a bunch of druggies, dole bludgers and (whisper this one) immigrants. Yuck. Shudder.

Anyway, he goes to his school, hangs around with his mates, and gets into the usual adolescent troubles of cartoon characters. Y’know getting lost after dark, grudge matches with the other schools, getting crushes on cute boys girls and other such fun. But that wasn’t what made the show great. What did was the fact that it went places other cartoons didn’t: you got to meet everyone in Arnold’s class; and then meet their families, hear about their lives and all sorts of other great shit. And it wasn’t dumbed down (I’m looking at you Arthur. Ya little Cunt.), one episode focused around the school bully not being able to read, to the shock of his sweet Jewish parents (I know! Jews in a cartoon! Hence why this shows was great), then there was Helga’s older sister being the golden child for her emotionally abusive father and drunk mum (it was implied)and her love/hate relationship with them, also their were poor kids, rich kids, single mothers. There was an even an episode where Arnold’s black best friend (it wasn’t always that progressive I know) voice broke.

Basically this show would make a great antidote to the usual Gossip Girl/ 90210 shlop American teens are fed. It could be remade, better and bigger and really work. It could be the American Skins! (It couldn’t. But it wouldn’t be worse than the American remake of Skins that’s already being made. Yup, that’s right. Go lie down awhile- I’ll wait.)

Arthur:

The fuck no am I talking about this shit. Piss off you little four -eyed aardvark gimp. I will cut a bitch.

Doug:

https://i0.wp.com/cdn2.ioffer.com/img/item/389/997/86/doug.jpg

More like it. Doug is in the middle between Hey Arnold! and Arthur in terms of quality despite being aimed at an older audience.

Everything in Doug is a little bit trippy and annoying. Everything is called Beet something and all the characters are strange colours and have weird names. It gets old kind of fast. But the show, does grow on you.

I used to dislike this show but couldn’t remember why but know it doesn’t seem so bad. Maybe I was too hard on it. Oh, wait I just remembered the amount of people who were green in it. Maybe it was shit…

Look out for Part II coming soon. Or don’t. Whatever, I don’t care about you either.

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Drink to escape the pain: my review of Sluts in the City II

Posted by idetest on June 7, 2010

(So so many spoilers-they all die at the end as well)

Wtf? I actually liked it.

A bunch of old crones walk into a bar. Two and a half hours later I walk out of the cinema, a new, better, gayer man.

Yes, darlings this is how I spent my Monday afternoon; watching Sex and the City 2. So you don’t have to.

First things first; I was fully prepared to hate it. I’d read the scathing one star out of five reviews and was hoping my thirst for blood would be rewarded.

Howevs, I was wrong. I …I  kinda liked it. I knew it was growing on me when Samantha uttered the sentence (and I’m trying to remember the quote here so give me leeway) “the past couple of years, with this economy I want something RICH”. Amen my slutty aged sister.

Because I never watched the TV show or the first movie for Carrie’s internal monologue on the complications of relationships (like I care. The last time I had a functioning relationship with an adult Al Qaeda was just a twinkle in Osama’s eye) but the fabulous urban lifestyles awash with lunch dates, coffee dates, dinner dates, shopping trips, drunken nights on the town, outfits you bought entirely because you wanted to offend suburbanites; yes, yes, yes. All things I love.

The movie starts with the on-purpose most clichéd gay wedding of all time. And despite all the characters all but turning to the camera and going ‘Gay enough for you? Yeah we know our audience’ it still comes off as kind of offensive when they keep on talking about gays as some sort of abstract concept despite that they’re apparently so fabulous that the only actual straight men they know are their husbands.

Though the scene where the all male choir do double takes when Liza Minnelli walks through the door made me laugh. And that was the first of many times I did genuinely laugh. I was disturbed.

Also how much does Liza slur? I’ve never been a fan so I don’t know if she’s up with Paula and Whitney but girlfriend sure sounded like she’d downed a bottle of prescription pill goodness before she filmed her scenes.

The only real highlight is the guy Samantha does. He is the hottest guy ever to ever grace a cinema. Ever. And him only being nude for one scene and then being replaced later on by some Old Danish architect is a crime that someone will pay for.

Then there’s some dull stuff with a TV in the bedroom and feet on sofas and it’s like watching my parents all over again except these people all live in houses that look like an interior design magazine and never leave empty coffee cups or syringes lying around.

Then they go to Abu Dhabi and it gets funny again. Which is good. There’s lots of decadence and the bad puns that this show (film? Shilm.) relies on. And then an Australian rugby team turns up in speedos and they do lots of long, lingering shots and I got distracted.

Also my friend texted me inviting me to see an arty highbrow film with her this evening  at this exact moment and I was too embarrassed to answer lest she shun me.

The movie gets pretty good around here with scenes in the desert, the camel riding, the karaoke scene (surprisingly amusing)-then it’s back to the lame storylines with Aiden arriving (he does not suit being tanned. Strange.); Miranda and Charlotte’s mother off (Ugh. Just lock ‘em kids in a room and throw a piece of meat in there occasionally. It’s how my mother raised me and I’m fine) drags on until the end when they get drunk and everything’s enjoyable again.

The only other big part of the movie I liked was Samantha’s arrest for indecent exposure/sexy goodness/being old and slutty/offending da Mus-o-lems etc, etc and the aftermath scenes as they are thrown out of the hotel and then have to go to a Souk. Amusing watching Samantha have her breakdown and then get her bitch on. Also when did they decide to turn her into Patsy 2.0?

Also how many British Asian and Middle Eastern actors where in this thing? Omid Djalliliwilly or whatever his name (you do a car insurance ad-you forfeit your right for me to have to look up how to write your name. Also for the soap fans: Mr Roy from Hollyoaks as the front desk guy.) Is there no actual Middle Easterners who act? Or even any American Muslims? Is this a new trait (see my Prince of Persia rant the other day) that the British have to play all Arabs and Iranians? (Also funny that Omid whatshisfsace is Iranian not Ay-rab. Hah)

Then it goes shit with the Arab book club reading Suzanne Somers and Charlotte being annoying and naive about foreign cultures again. Yawn. And then they go back to New York, there’s a heart to heart, and a montage. The end.

So all up: lots more ethnic minorities than last time, funnyish, only slightly more insulting to women, not as overtly product placement heavy (though it’s still there obvs.) as the last one, Big and Aiden are both still irritating, Samantha is turning into my sort of woman and Carrie is still the whiney, self obsessed moron she always was, but now her hair is straightened so is just even more awful. Bring back the curls.

Apparently there will probably be a third film as well. But Kristin Davis wants a huge pay hike; I say good on her. Despite this movie not being quite as bad as everyone says I still wouldn’t want to make another one unless I was absolutely plastered on the highest quality of booze the entire time to escape the sense of shame enveloping me (What? Are you telling me she’s demanding more money for any other reason?).

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Harry Potter. What a gimp. I’d do him though.

Posted by idetest on June 5, 2010

I write this as a favour to a dear friend. A friend who since becoming a Law student has seen her ego inflate to an extent that she thinks she can boss me around like some kind of finely coiffed Hispanic house-boy/generic minion

Anyway today we shall be discussing the greatest story of our time and possibly of all time (no not Jersey Shore which has its own category of awesomeness): Harry Potter

Now let’s get one thing straight first: I think J.K. Rowling is the shit. I think she’s at a high level of fabulosity that only the likes of Joanna Lumley, the Golden Girls (RIP Rue McLanahan), Kathy Griffin, French & Saunders and a handful of others can ever get to.

Think about; she’s nearly 50 and she still rocks the cleavage like a streetwalker on a good night; she’s ginger and she works it; she was a single mother who had to deal with poverty, the UK welfare system (don’t ever, ever have to go near them or else you may die), and is still a proud Socialist and Labour party supporter. Girlfriend is also pretty much bankrolling every charity going and acts like their bloody personalised ATM. And yet still she’s a squgillionaire and could buy a medium-sized country without having to check her balance first (and still drop by Harrods on the way home).

For all these things I salute her.

But back to my point; let’s get it clear as well-the movies and the books are two very different things and should not be compared. You can try to but it’ll hurt your head. I know some ho’s get all bitter because they left out the MOST IMPORTANT SCENE IN THE BOOK!!!!!!!1!!!!! Every damn time there’s a new movie. OMGZ For fuck’s sake! Deal. Unless you want the movie to be 18 hours long.

That said let’s not pretend the movies are….well, anything other than fantasy razzamatazz; Daniel Radcliffe, while seeming like a cool guy (he supports the Lib Dems, has spoken out against homophobia and bullying in schools. And he is a Jew. Always a plus.) is not the greatest actor in the world. He tries, bless him but let’s hope he’ll be so wealthy he can retire once these movies are done.

Rupert Grint is less famous and therefore I know shit all about him; but he did that movie with Julie Walters called Drivin’ Miss Daisy’s Lessons or something which people I know saw and said was good. Kudos to him. But still; half his scenes are him going “Bloody Hell” (Solely to amuse the Americans obvs.). I know there’s the old adage that actors are only as good as the scripts they are given but seriously; he’s Ron motherfucking Weasley. If he don’t want to say it …the director ain’t going to make him. Some percentage of that is his own doing.

As for Emma Watson? I like her. I just…like her. She’s at Brown (Like Serena van der Woodsen was going to be! Coincidence? I think not.) And does her own thing most of the time, does her modelling from time to time. Seems to be normal.

And with that hair, I’m just waiting for her shampoo commercials in a few years. Also she should totally replace the awful girl on the Rimmel Ads who sounds retarded and is giving London a bad name. I don’t care if her last name is ‘Jagger’. Fire her. Hire Emma. Yes, the fact that she lives in America is a slight hurdle. We shall overcome.

And the rest of the cast: Alan Rickman? Fabulous. Maggie Smith? Amazing. Could she be anything else? Zoe Wanamaker, Imelda Staunton and Emma Thompson? V.g. The guy(s) who play(ed) Dumbledore? Shocking. Every scene is terrible. Rife with wooden dialogue that seem to be full of nothing but terrible clichés. Both times he has been played by famous and well-respected actors who could do better. They need to fix it. Oh wait he’s dead. Oh wait he’s in the 7th book. Fix it.

The actress who plays Mrs. Weasley annoys me as well. Though I’ve no idea why. I think it’s her voice. It sounds like she could be good if she had a screaming fit that she could give her all in. So hopefully she does Bellatrix Lestrange’s death with some panache.

The movies as a whole are fine. They get the job done. They are beautiful to look at and entertain. They get the main themes of each book in and show us Harry getting on with his life with the most coherent plot they can pick out amongst the tome of the books.

Howevs. I have always thought that they should be a TV series instead. Something should be made with British talent but American money and slick production values-much like the movies (I.e. NOTHING at all resembling Dr. Who. Oh God I hate you Dr. Who. Why won’t you just die?). I think an HBO version would be ace.

It wouldn’t be too hard and I’m sure it’ll happen eventually so why not do it now to appease me? Every book could be a season of 5-6 episodes (the longer books obviously being more like 10-12) which is the average length of a BBC series anyway. And yes the cast would have to be different to work with the ages but you could probably get away with doing only 3 different ones; one for books 1 & 2 when they were v. lil. Another for books 3-5 when they was ‘teens wiv issues’. And a third for the final two when they could have some SEXY young studs and babes to be all SEXY and help the ratings pick up again. SEXILY.

With this length they can flesh out all the other characters better; we can see more of the Ministry of Magic and Voldemort’s former reign of terror instead of having to rely on people telling Harry things or other plot devices to get information across. And we, as fans, get to immerse ourselves in more and squeee for all we’re worth.

NOW for the books.

One thing I dislike is the obvious moment in book 5 (or in book 4…maybe it isn’t so obvious) when JK Rowling went “Shit. These things are too popular for just kids anymore. I have to appease fucking everyone. Cack-I need a drink.” and thus tried to merge a children’s book level of fantasy and stock character’s with young adult levels of angst and Sci-Fi/Fantasy style convoluted plotlines. It was messy and felt awkward having characters like the Durlsey’s (who may as well have had “CLICHED VILLIANS #1-3 splashed across their heads) mixing in with all the UST (that’s unresolved sexual tension who don’t  read the Soap Opera pages in your weekly TV schedules) of Harry and Ron, Sirius and Lupin and Hermione and Ginny (What? You didn’t pick up on what was really going on?) and the gory violence and death …and shit.

Aside from that major piece of unavoidable messiness Rowling managed to keep herself out of the shit mostly. A few other pieces though

  • What the fuck was Sirius’s lame ass death all about? A mirror/curtain (I can’t remember. I’ve been drinking) shit in some room? Eh? That bitch should have died screaming and bleeding his guts out on the floor somewhere. There should have been blood and ass and guns and hookers and blow and everything else that makes a death scene worth its own shit. No. Harry’s sole guardian and his beloved father figure and last remaining link to his Mummy and Papa dies from a piece of wayward furniture from Briscoes (Actually that device I bet is how the Briscoes lady doesn’t age. Think about it.) getting all uppity. FAIL.
  • Women’s roles: Um. Ok Ms Rowling you’re trying to appeal to young boys because they, when you were starting this, were who read these things. But um…yeah. In several instances you write that all the girls start screaming when something scary happens in the classroom. I know you taught in a rundown Scottish comprehensive school for a while so you were probably writing from experience of dealing with teenage girls…but where I’m from all the girls were psycho bitches who would shank a bitch with a sharpened ruler quick as look at you. Except if there was a cockroach…

That said you do give Bellatrix Lestrange, Tonks, Mrs Weasley a few other female characters their own moments of badassery but still it pales in comparison into the sausage fest of violence you usually give us. And what of Harry always having to save the girl? Cho, Ginny, Hermione? I’m sure at some point he saves them all (The 40 and the seven double shots of strawberry vodka are kicking in. I lie. I don’t drink gay shit like that. I just had the strawberry vodka.).

Anyway what I’m saying is that for the most part most of the female characters never get off the ground or never make it past the children’s book clichés they started as; except those introduced in the last few books. FAIL.

  • Percy. What the fuck? I may have ranted about stock characters already (spot who did drama at school) but this tool annoys me. His entire purpose of existence is as a plot device. Annoying. As are the older two Weasley brothers. At least they serve a purpose later on but Percy’s role which could become important towards the end or at least used for some dramatic impact isn’t. Weird. FAIL
  • The whole ‘we already know about Voldemort’s split his soul up. Didn’t you read book 2?’ thing that was paved over in the last book. Not quite a fail but a ‘hmm’ and a chin rub.
  • So…Malfoy was evil but he got away with it? Chin rub and an eyebrow rise.
  • The flashback scenes. Particularly those with that goddamn ho of a pensive. Wtf? That shit bored me to tears. Some were good (let’s meet Voldemort as a boy! Ah! He’s scarier than Damian. Let’s met him again as a teenager…hello-who done got their sexy on?) but some were fucking awful and were simply impossible to write in any other way for the plot I understand. Hopefully a TV show (hint!) could rectify this. An eye roll and a swig from a bottle of something-hell, maybe a fail.

This all said and done though I still fucking loved these books. When I was young I’d have sold my mother into white slavery for a chance to go to Hogwarts for a day. Which would have been all the time the slave traders would have been able to bear my mother for so that’d be good timing. But still Sookie didn’t meet Vampire Bill till she was 25. There’s still time…

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Things I don’t hate and secretly want to lick

Posted by idetest on June 3, 2010

Because I’m not always bitter and hateful. Most of the time. But occasionally I open up and run through the fields.

1)      Alcohol. God’s gift for us for good behaviour. Or because he was bored. Either way the best times of my life have been the ones that proceeded the nights I spent with my head in a toilet bowl.

2)      Illegal narcotics.

3)      Glee. So gay. So fun. They sing, they dance, they prance, they emote while hitting the high notes, they quip funny one liners, they mock small town America, and they do Lady Gaga inspired episodes. They complete me.

4)      Summer weather; pre sunburn and post awkward barbecues that no one really enjoys because no one really likes charcoaled meat that isn’t cooked on the inside.

5)      Pretentious indie pop

6)      Big coats in wintertime

7)      The love of a good woman

8)      Being on one’s high horse. Particularly enjoyable about topics such as Starbucks and other chain coffee shops vs. Independents, Cities with public transport systems vs. Cities without them.

9)      Obamarama. Look at him…just look at him. I would tap that. And then I’d go shopping with Michelle. Call me.

10)   European soap operas; it’s like the 80’s never ended. The French are so severe and lusty; the Germans so camp and have so much back lighting, the Spanish are all about Social Realism (the ethnic minority free version interestingly). And the British? Dear Lord in heaven they have everything.

11)   That the fat kid from Stand by me (stand? Lean? It was one of the two) is now married to a supermodel. Good on him.

12)   Roger the Alien from American Dad.

13)   The anecdotes my parents shared with me about their youth.

14)   Fox News. It’s just makes me giddy to be in the enemy’s heart. And then I realise I’m giving them rating and I vomit a little in my mouth.

15)   A well timed eating disorder joke.

16)   The TV show Being Human. A gay Jew? A sassy black girl in fabulous outfits? An Irish vampire who gets naked? It’s like it was made just for me.

17)   Elections. They just fascinate me.

18)   Lindsay Lohan saying she has ‘allergies’.

19)   Having to ask people what you did last night. http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

20)   Jennifer Aniston’s continual post divorce sob story. Milk that shit for every penny girl.

21)   Jokes and references that are too clever/obscure for other people to get. (You know what they say about Enver Hoxha? He’s no King Zog)

22)   Wifebeaters. They just make an outfit in Summertime.

23)   Political anarchy and terrible social upheaval in supposedly western/developed nations.

24)   The island nation of Madagascar. What’s it doing? No one really knows. But it’s fabulous.

25)   Conservative politicians being outed by tell-all rent boys.

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I don’t detest this. In fact I’m salivating.

Posted by idetest on June 2, 2010

Vampire Bill! Sookeh! The other people who I don’t care so much about! THE SWEDISH SEX VAMPIRE!

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