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Posts Tagged ‘Glee’

Your Wintertime Nigel-No-Mates-Television-Extravaganza (Sponsored by Snow and Ice)

Posted by idetest on February 1, 2011

Hola bitches!

Yes, like the turning of a cheap soap opera hourglass the seasons keep a-turning and so I keep a-churning out these pieces of trash so as, you, my esteemed, probably socially awkward, overweight readers with little-to-no social life sitting in your bedrooms in Chlamydia, Georgia, can fully understand the brilliance of my views on television.

First off we go continental

The Killing (BBC4, Saturdays)It's the death of fashion too.

SCANDINAVIANS IN CHILLING, BLEAK, MINIMALIST SHOCKER! Yes apaprently the beeb has decided that it quite likes them there Scandie cop dramas and has bought us another one. This one comes from the flat as a pancake, Muslim a-bating land of Hamlet himself: Denmark.

Plot is thus: Sarah Lund, a tough as nails single mum who’s about to fuck off to Sweden with her nineties throwback teenage son to start a new life in a pine clad sauna with her Swedish boyf. gets us all coitus interruptus when a grisly murder of a teenaged girl is uncovered.

It’s all very stylish and bleak (Seriously! Does it rain every day in Copenhagen?) and the acting is brilliant – unlike that failed abortion of a police show (I actually despise the word ‘cop’. Anyone using it in my presence will find 50 points being taken from Gryffindor) Wallander.

Also it’s only one murder over the course of a twenty episode series. Holy hell, that’s almost realistic to the amount of murders that occur in your average major western city and the amount of time it would take the real life police to solve one. Props for that. Because a new serial killer every week is so 2006.

Also slightly annoyed that Denmark, which like New Zealand has approximately four people living in it can afford to make television where the cameraman can swing the machine around and take in whole rooms rather than the two metres of wall behind the actors they could afford to paint. It’s not fair. How come New Zealand always looks like a banana republic? I bet even fucking Iceland has bigger budgets for its TV shows.

Zen (BBC1, Sundays)

I'm hot, you're hot. Let's make Pasta!

The BBC seems to be liking its foreign bobbies atm, so has made a televisual adaptation of some books written by a Brit guy but following the life and times of an overly moral and righteous Roma police officer called Aurelio Zen. Cool name, Good actor, Bad Show.

Seriously, scenery porn about Rome and hot Italiano love interests will only get you so far. Eventually you have to drag your plot out of the cliché storm and actually give us something fresh. Particularly if you’re going to put this on in the wintertime whereas you put Sherlock on in Summer.

But alas three movie length episodes did not give us this. Instead we got such new and original ideas as SECRET VATICAN CONSPIRACIES (not to be taken seriously even without one of the guys from Coupling as the lead character in that subplot), AMORAL BILLIONAIRES GETTING DEADED IN LOCKED ROOM MYSTERY and my own personal favourite HIGH CLASS CALL GIRL/ROMANTIC INTEREST (Because cheap, STI riddled hookers don’t exits in TV. Every one is always a high-class hooker, dripping in diamonds and only servicing members of the government).

In short, looks pretty but short on substance. Very short. Nearly as short as an Italian man.

Being Human (BBC3, Sundays)

First off , I love this show. Or at least I did. I’m not so sure though now. me thinks it would have been better as one of those “One Series” type things. Or even as a movie. As a protracted story now entering its third season it’s starting to get a little bit, um…y’know. Rubbish.

Basically this the set up for new season: They’ve moved to Wales.

That is all.

So now we have to deal with them living in Barry, and every Tom, Dick and Nessa who was in that FUCKING AWFUL PILE OF SHIT Gavin and Stacey turning up as a minor character. Augh! Why does everything have to be set in fucking Wales? No one even lives there!

Also, am over Mitchell’s tortured soul. Not even Stacey Slater telling him he’s going to be killed by a werewolf will make me interested in his vampire antics anymore. Actually I’m not sure why I’m still watching this show as everything about it now annoys me…

Huh.

Glee (E4, Mondays)

It's like Heroin for the soul

And then there’s this. Oh, lor’ I think I’m gon’ die. also the new blond guy keeps taking his shirt off. Of this I approve whole heartedly.

That is all.

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A Selection of Audio Visual Treats For Your Entertainment

Posted by idetest on January 9, 2011

Hola, well welcome to 2011.

Yeah, it’s pretty shit.

Anyway, here’s some funny youtube clips to make up for it.

 

Because life is better with Chloe.

 

 

My beloved Downton Abbey is premiering in the USofA soon and this is the only way Americans will understand it.

 

In other news:

  • Sudan will become two countries. So twice the civil wars and genocide!
  • Thousands of birds are falling from the sky and fish dying in rivers in America. This proves Obama is a socialist apparently (Oh, and it’s the end of the world).
  • Glee comes back to UK television on Monday. And I’ll see you all in July.

 

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Best TV of 2010

Posted by idetest on December 29, 2010

Exactly what it says on the box kiddos

1. Downton Abbey. Yes despite the fact that it all went a bit skewiff as it went on and began to look more and more like every other British drama about posh people with lots of ‘funny’ moments where they played jaunty music in the background and everyone smirked (a la Mornach of the Glen. Yeesh. There’s a show no one should admit to ever watching. Even though him what wrote THIS starred in THAT. Ew.), it was still able to ram it home in a few ways.

Kudos for the gay character, who was an evil Machiavellian bastard and well done for getting Maggie Smith in period costume, which should be required for every TV show. However, less well done for being in general too nice: servants takin’ all sorts of liberties, class warfare played as ‘rich girl in impolite, cute male servant gets upset, rich girl apologises, they have steamy eye make outs.’ Yes, I’m sure in 1914 a good decade before the first set of miner’s strikes which was one of the first times the plight of the working class had ever been shown they were already well on their way to Blair’s dream of ‘everyone being middle class now’.

3.5/5

2. Misfits. Rude, crude, lewd, and all round wonderful. Misfits‘ second season doesn’t make sense if you think about why on earth it all happened; every time there’s a big plot development it’s all over at the end of the episode because of time travel. Like why the hell did future Simon come back? How did he come back? How did him and Alicia get together when they had to turn back time to save everyone therefore stopping her from telling him?

Whatevs, the main reason to watch it is the one lines and amazing chavvy brilliance (note; this is the only time the words ‘chav’ and ‘brilliance’ will be together in a sentence on this website. Unless the word ‘murder’ is in the middle.) complete with Lauren Socha (her what plays Kelly) put on a gangsta accent which makes her brilliant lines ever better.

4/5

2010 Christmas special

2.5/5

3. True Blood.

Sookie

Everyone thought Sookie's secret was she was telepathic. No one knew it was really that she was from Naenae.

Even though here in the UK we still are yet to get Series 3, because…because, well the British don’t trust anything that came out after 1954 and so therefore move at a glacial pace, I did however get to see series 2. So that’s what I’m judging on. Despite the fact that show has so many plots and characters and a fairly rigid formula of starting the next episode/series exactly where the last finished it does manage to pack a fair bit in. Even though at some points you’d just like them to slow it down and let us revel in it.

But whatevs, Maryann was a psycho hell-demon/Greek goddess thing. Awesome. Southern Religious Freaks got mocked and satirised. Awesome. Sookie…is from Lower Hutt. Ew. Eric the Swedish Viking Vampire. Awesome.

4/5

4. Sherlock. Now I must say even though this show was highly enjoyable I found myself unable to overlook many of its major faults – it’s just too British to really be as slick and cool as it wants to be. I’m not saying they need to have random explosions everywhere and bring in ‘zany’ characters but it just seems to be too big for its budget and the constraints of the BBC. As long as the budget has been ramped up for the second season and the denouement done slightly better I see no reason why I shan’t fall in love with it.BC

3.5/5

Snooki 5. All reality TV anywhere, anytime! Admit it, you love it. Whether it’s Snooki and her pouf, the real housewives of Nebraska having a cat fight and yelling out “Prostitution Whore!” at each other, or one of the British entries (Young, dumb and Living off Mum, The Only Way is Essex, Snog, Marry, Avoid) reality Tv constantly excels itself in its brilliance and originality. Long may it reign!

5/5

Honourable Mentions

Mongrels: A hilarious satire with puppets playing urban wildlife. I eagerly await Series 2.

Glee: Brilliant songs, witty one liners, terrible, terrible plots that scar the mind.

Upstairs Downstairs: It got good. Mostly because episode 2 gave us Jews and fascists.

Worst TV of 2010- where to start?

X Factor

Anything hosted by Vernon Kay

Two and a half Men

Strictly Come Dancing

Most evening fare on BBC1 (It’s a sad state of events when ITV1 is offering more drama than the beeb)

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My childhood memories Part II: The Tokyo Drift years

Posted by idetest on June 19, 2010

Salut!

Yes I will go through a different language greeting every post. Or until I run out.

Probably the latter.

Today’s post will be all about Anime and Japanese Cartoons. It’s going to be basic as too long spent on this subject forces my eyes to turn into crescents and my hair grows a foot in height (my eternal love for whoever gets these) and I end up looking like that guy Finn from Glee (what? You never noticed how he kinda looks Asian and how his eyes go weird and crescent shaped randomly? I think it’s because the actor is Canadian, personally. And everyone knows Canadian’s are possessed by evil spirits).

Dragon Ball Z:

Oh my Lady Gaga. Confession: my brother used to watch this show like it was his crack, smack and all other forms of the bad shit rolled into one easy to use 24 minute daily package. In other words I was forced to watch this show on a daily basis for several years and therefore loath it with a passion I usually only reserve for the nation of Belgium. Fuck, I hate you Belgium, you second rate Holland (And second rate France as well. Well actually third rate because Switzerland is second rate France…well actually fourth because of Monaco. Yeah you’re a fourth rate France, Belgium. Suck on that you child molesterers).

Anyway. Moving on from yet another xenophobic rant Dragon Ball Z was a rehash of some iconoclastic 80s shit called Dragon Ball which being Japanese was allowed to have sex scenes and swearing in a children’s show. Yes they can do that in Japan. Hence why they have murdering cannibals as TV hosts (look it up).

It’s about some kid called Gotan (I can’t remember actually so let’s pretend. Either that or we’ll call him after the other famous 80s icon with big hair-Boy George). Anyway Boy George finds out he’s descended from some alien super race or some shit and has to continually save the world (and the cheerleader) from a never ending list of baddies. Usually this causes the world to actually end because they’re so powerful they routinely blow up the very planet they’re fighting over.

Hard hitting social realism this was not.

Anyway it was brought back in the 90s and then translated into English and eventually made its way over so I had to watch it. It now had Vegeta (who was a baddie but now a reluctant goodie…or something??) and his wife and kids and a giant green guy called Piccolo. Basically it was a very long acid trip minus the heavy sweating.

Why I’d get it drunk on Sake: It was like a very long acid trip minus the heavy sweating.

Why I’d nuke Hiroshima again: It was fucking mental. And so badly cut and edited for English speaking countries that it made even less sense. Also nothing ever happened because there were 10,000 episodes.

Take a shot every time: Someone did the crescent eyes to indicate happiness. Weird Japanese freaks.

Pokémon:

Fuck me. This shit really happened? I thought it was a figment of my fucked up drug addled imagination. Nope. Actually happened.

Anyway this was about some bratty kid called…something…with his two mates (one was called Ash I remember that much…no idea what the girl was called. Let’s call her Cousin Sissy) and of course the motherfucker Pikachu. Pikachu was a legend in his own lunchtime and is probably the most quoted cartoon character of our time. Everyone knows Pikachu. And if you don’t you’re probably a Mormon. He was yellow if that helps jog your memory. And looked like a stuffed animal.

Anyway the plot, from what I vaguely remember through the blackouts, was that they travelled around collecting Pokémon (‘pocket monsters’) and making them fight so they could win them off each other. Yes, it was basically cock fighting. Or dog fighting. Or something else completely inappropriate for children to really watch. But whatever censorship is for lesbians and we already know that the Japanese are FUCKED. UP.

Why I’d climb Mt Fuji with it: Pikachu was a tough ghetto bitch who hopefully grew up to a Latino gangster in East LA with a pair of hoop earrings and a lip piercing. I can see it now.

Why I’d cut it with a samurai sword: This shit was fucked up. And only the weird kids at school watched it. And they were obsessive.

Take a shot every time: That they introduce a new Pokémon despite the fact that there was only supposed to be 100 or so.

Digimon:

The fuck yes. Finally a show I can respect. I loved Digimon (‘digital monsters’). I’m not quite sure why but I did. It was trashy, campy and had children who had issues interacting with tiny monster like things. But it had funny one-liners and interesting plot arcs. Okay, it wasn’t exactly Brideshead Revisited but it was better than that shit Pokémon.

Anyway it was about a bunch of children who while at summer camp got sent into an alternative reality where they had monster pet things who they used to fight baddies with. And then they bought it back for a second season where they had an evil child-genius called Ken. What? I know. There was a third but by this time I was about 14 so wasn’t watching anymore. I was out doing drugs and chasing girls. Or watching McLeod’s Daughters and Roswell. Whatevs. Semantics.

Why I’d buy it a tamagotchi: It had plot development in a cartoon! I know.

Why I’d let it stay in a recession: Ugh. It went on a bit.

Take a shot every time: Someone had a moral epiphany whenever they needed their monster pet to advance a level of power. Yeah I can’t even make a joke about that.

Cardcaptor Sakura:

A late entry into my repertoire but one I was forced to watch. It was about some crazy speed freak (I’m projecting) who was rebelling after her mother died or something got hooked on the hard shit and then had to pay off her drug debts. By chasing after magical cards that all represented some element or something.

Something like that anyway. All I remember is that she had an older brother who in the original Japanese version was having a gay romance with his best mate. His best mate was some weird guy who would turn up in every episode with a different job. It was eventually revealed he was supernatural. Stupid English remakes edited this entire storyline out. I think.

Why I’d go visit its Winter Olympics: Batshit insanity. Also she had rivals at schools: the hot, mysterious guy who was nasty to her because he loooved her and his evil ex girlfriend/fellow conspirator. They were the children of the corn.

Why I’d ram its whaling ships: It was just plain weird. Also there was paedophilia.

Take a shot every time: Homo-explosion lover boy would turn up as a janitor, or a zoo keeper or a fisherman or some such shit.

Others:

Gundam Wing: There is not enough time in the world to explain the OTT intergalactic, Armageddon, robots with minds or something, boy meets girl lover story of the weird ass show. Let’s just say it was strange and leave it at that.

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Things I don’t hate and secretly want to lick

Posted by idetest on June 3, 2010

Because I’m not always bitter and hateful. Most of the time. But occasionally I open up and run through the fields.

1)      Alcohol. God’s gift for us for good behaviour. Or because he was bored. Either way the best times of my life have been the ones that proceeded the nights I spent with my head in a toilet bowl.

2)      Illegal narcotics.

3)      Glee. So gay. So fun. They sing, they dance, they prance, they emote while hitting the high notes, they quip funny one liners, they mock small town America, and they do Lady Gaga inspired episodes. They complete me.

4)      Summer weather; pre sunburn and post awkward barbecues that no one really enjoys because no one really likes charcoaled meat that isn’t cooked on the inside.

5)      Pretentious indie pop

6)      Big coats in wintertime

7)      The love of a good woman

8)      Being on one’s high horse. Particularly enjoyable about topics such as Starbucks and other chain coffee shops vs. Independents, Cities with public transport systems vs. Cities without them.

9)      Obamarama. Look at him…just look at him. I would tap that. And then I’d go shopping with Michelle. Call me.

10)   European soap operas; it’s like the 80’s never ended. The French are so severe and lusty; the Germans so camp and have so much back lighting, the Spanish are all about Social Realism (the ethnic minority free version interestingly). And the British? Dear Lord in heaven they have everything.

11)   That the fat kid from Stand by me (stand? Lean? It was one of the two) is now married to a supermodel. Good on him.

12)   Roger the Alien from American Dad.

13)   The anecdotes my parents shared with me about their youth.

14)   Fox News. It’s just makes me giddy to be in the enemy’s heart. And then I realise I’m giving them rating and I vomit a little in my mouth.

15)   A well timed eating disorder joke.

16)   The TV show Being Human. A gay Jew? A sassy black girl in fabulous outfits? An Irish vampire who gets naked? It’s like it was made just for me.

17)   Elections. They just fascinate me.

18)   Lindsay Lohan saying she has ‘allergies’.

19)   Having to ask people what you did last night. http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

20)   Jennifer Aniston’s continual post divorce sob story. Milk that shit for every penny girl.

21)   Jokes and references that are too clever/obscure for other people to get. (You know what they say about Enver Hoxha? He’s no King Zog)

22)   Wifebeaters. They just make an outfit in Summertime.

23)   Political anarchy and terrible social upheaval in supposedly western/developed nations.

24)   The island nation of Madagascar. What’s it doing? No one really knows. But it’s fabulous.

25)   Conservative politicians being outed by tell-all rent boys.

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This makes my blood boil

Posted by idetest on June 3, 2010

Other things:

62. Twilight. There are many reasons to hate this next entry; my reasons are not particularly complicated and are as follows:

Goodness me, remember when this came out? How we laughed...

A) Stephanie Meyer is a Mormon. Mormons are intrinsically evil and have caused death and destruction for the thousands of years they have wandered the deserts (plus they have horns and drink blood). Never mind that something ridiculous like a 1/3 of her income and of all other Mormons goes to the church, so every time a Nebraskan housewife takes a long relaxing bubble bath dreaming of Edward and going to her special place while reading Moonraker, or whatever the bloody title is Stephanie Meyer goes ‘Kaching!’, so does the Mormon church as well so now they can fund more anti-abortion campaigns, conversion therapy courses and of course lovely things such as Prop 8. Fuck you all. (Interesting the only acceptable Mormon is Meryl Streep in Angels in America.)

B) They are so appallingly written it’s embarrassing to be near it. Shit literature is not a new phenomenon and long may it continue, I say. The world needs it’s Mills and Boon and Jeffrey Archers to keep the masses content for their bath special time. However, when all you do is open your The saw us (as I’m sure she calls it) so she can come up with new words for ‘sparkly’ and ‘vibrator material’ you are too shit to be allowed to write.

C) They make feminist want to cry. I’m sorry, but the scene where Edward take out a part of Bella’s car engine so she can’t leave without his permission? The scene where her father congratulates Jacob for coming onto her EVEN AFTER SHE IS UPSET AND SLAPS HIM AND THEN NEARLY BREAKS HER HAND!??? What kind of Father…no, breathe.  (Never mind when I read it the first time I read it I was so sick of Edward I was like ‘Yes, let the ethnic minority ravage you and shut up about the whiny dead bastard).

This isn’t even mentioning the fact that she completely alienates herself from all her friends to be with him (but it’s ok because she was an outsider anyway who didn’t really enjoy having friends …so that’s normal) and doesn’t mind Edward being her sole focus in the world. Which is starting to sound like a made for TV movie plot about domestic violence. I can’t wait for Twilight book 5: Bella keeps walking into doors. In fact I’m sure at some point Edward does utter ‘you made me do this!’

D) She had Edward say he had to bite a pillow while having sex. Without knowing anything about how this could be taken. This woman needs to get out of New Mexico and meet some flamers.

E) The plot came to her in a dream after she’d been watching a TV show ( I believe it was Angel)…so she dreams of a story where a girl and a vampire can’t be together after watching a TV show where a vampire is upset because his one true love (a girl) and he cannot be together. Whether or not this is true I cannot be arsed googling. But still.

F) It gives all other Vampire shows and books a bad name. I’m sorry but I’m an unabashed fan of all things Vampire. When Buffy used to stake them in the Sunnydale cemetery on a school night? I was there. When Bill and Sookie had their first weird Wuthering Heights Cathy on the moors/Sookie in the bayou in a nightdress shagathon? I was there. When Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt were soooo gay for each other in the 90’s? I was there. When…well you get the picture.

G) Horrible awful geeky socially awkward 40 year old virgin types look down on pop culture because of it. While in the movies the other day a preview for Ellipsis or whatever it’s called (incidentally Meyer’s favourite writing ….technique) came on and they started laughing at it. How dare they laugh at something! They had tapered jeans on and ugly facial hair! Glasses! Long hair! A backpack while being in their 30’s! It’s destroyed the equilibrium.

H) The town of Forks, Washington is now going through a tourist boom. I have no idea why as because Meyer GOOGLED it. That was the extent of her research ‘Wot’s da rainiest place in real America? Nowhere where fags or blacks live. They don’t count’ so therefore the town is never mentioned in any detail. There is no mention of a town square, a main street, some local landmark, what the high school looks like, what Bella’s street looks like, NOTHING because Meyer had no idea. She mentions the nearby towns of La Push and Port Angeles. But we never hear of them in great detail either.

She spends more time describing Italy when they run off there for a few chapters than she does her main setting.  And has Jacob go to Seattle to try and pick up more teenage girls to join her cult of teen angst and mentions something about a mall if I recall correctly (I probably don’t. I drank to cope with these books.) For all of a page. That’s about as much detail as we get. She mentions mountains and forests a plenty. And meadows (Meyer loves a good meadow…there must be meadows in the bible). But nothing else.

I) Bella is an intellectual. She reads Jane Austen, loves Shakespeare and Wuthering Heights is her favourite novel. Because so many 17 year old girls who know shit about nothing and have to go live with their Republican (I’m guessing/projecting)fathers in Bumfuckvile are all about their dead 19th century novelists and renaissance era playwrights. Do they not get Glee in this place?

Also Bella hates TV if I remember through the bourbon induced haze. Ah, yes the only teenager in the world who does so. That’s probably why she’s so special she gets to be bitten by a fruity vajazzled (look it up) dead guy.

More will follow.

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