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Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

Yuletide Musings

Posted by idetest on December 24, 2012

But at Christmas time just listening to the endless “Oh, what are you doing for Christmas? You going home? Where’s home for you? Big family?” conversations takes its toll. So last night I was thinking about all my childhood Christmases always held at my grandparent’s house.

So I go on google earth and have to spend a good twenty minutes trying to find their house, find it and then get disturbed because in my mind it’s red and white, the same colour as when my granddad built it single-handedly in the 1970s after him and my grandmother saved up all their lives to buy their own farm.

But no, the street view photo is from 2011. The house is now beige. My granddad has been living in one of those semi-independent care home/village type places for over two years or so now (He must hate it, this was a man who’s garden shed was a huge barn where you could find anything and where he once built a plane out of boredom). I’d forgotten this because in April it’ll have been four years since I moved to England, and nine years since my parents split up and I only got to see my grandparents a handful of times after that.

This then reminds me that my grandmother died four and half years ago and I never really spent any time with her after mum and dad split up. This then reminds me how embarrassingly emotional my dad was at her funeral and how odd it was that all my aunts and uncles were so composed and calm whilst he went to pieces. I thought at the time “Yeah, play it up drama queen, the will’s already been written”, and spent more time thinking about his antics than about my own grandma finally at rest after a long and horrible battle with cancer.

This, matched with the shitty non-present he sent me (In a reused envelope with two fifty cent cards (my birthday is the 28th), signed in my step-mum’s handwriting), made me realise I didn’t even know where he lived anymore; I forgot he moved to Australia. I didn’t know which part. I can’t remember any of my stepsister’s children’s ages. I looked up their address from the cards and judged him for moving to a new country but moving to the same sort of non-descript beige subdivision he lived in in New Zealand.

Then my brother emailed me trying to organise for my technologically retarded mother what time she should ring me to wish me a merry Christmas. So when she rings in about an hour, as she flaffs about I the kitchen attempting to cook a chicken but really just burning everything, all I can really say is that despite all my complaining and judgements of them, I kinda do miss my family. They’re not perfect, but when everyone else is complaining about theirs and dreading sitting at the table and making posts about how they nit-pick about about their life decisions my extended family never do that, I always looked forward to seeing mine. Sure, they’re all FUCKING CRAZY, dysfunctional, thrice-married, alcoholic, amoral, badly-dressed, compulsive breeders who find it impossible to stay faithful to their spouses but for the first sixteen years of my life I had a solid familial unit and an extended family who were all up in each other’s business. Decisions were made and discussed as one, I had cousins who I adored and aunts and uncles who would jump in front of a car for me, and the idea that eight year later I’m sitting here at the literal other end of the world looking forward to my Christmas day of Mexican food and Battlestar Galactica DVDs is completely alien to what I raised with.

Is this just what happens in one’s twenties or have I for so long run from family after watching it disintegrate so completely that I forever shut myself off from ever being a proper part of one? Not a massive, “OMG what is meaning of life!?” moment but more a “Huh, so this is where I am” realisation.

 

tl;dr

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Christmas. It’s so Gay. And not in the good way.

Posted by idetest on December 27, 2010

Hola Chicos,

I Hope we all had a good one.

In fact I hope it was so good that you’ll all want to keep the memory sacred by never having another opportunity to have it ruined by a mediocre Christmas next year. And with that in mind I say we ban Christmas.

Now I know what you’re thinking “Oh, he’s a rampantly anti-Christian liberal, leftie bastard who won’t let us celebrate our mildly paedophiliac (Word?) holiday about some bitch what got knocked up and was too embarrassed to tell everyone the truth that the father was Bucktooth Barry and not the School Football Captain, Joseph (Little did everyone know though that Joseph had a baby dick and a water sports fetish. So, all in all of course poor wee Mary had to go find love in the arms of another).”

Which I am.

But also I am a Socialist Muslim Terrorist Commie who believes that Capitalism and Organised Religion form two corners of the trinity of evil (Lesbians being the third corner) and that when they are brought together humanity’s darkest days are upon us.

Want Proof?

Dec. 26, 2004. A magnitude 9.0 quake struck off the coast of Sumatra, triggering tsunamis that swept through the coastal regions of a dozen countries bordering the Indian Ocean. The death toll has been estimated at between 225,000 and 275,000.

Dec. 26, 2003. An earthquake devastated the ancient city of Bam, in central Iran, leaving between 31,000 and 43,000 people dead.

And that’s just what I found on some weird Canadian news website after approximately three seconds of googling. The fact that both those things happened in mostly Muslim and other non-Christian countries further proves a point…or possibly ruins my point. I’m not sure. There are arguments for both

Non Christians deserve to die BECUZ DEY IS MUZALIM INFIDELZ.

Non Christians have died as God’s wrath against us for our butchering of Christmas.

Whatever. I’m just glad they didn’t happen here.

In short, I say we ban Christmas. Mostly cuz I’m fucking sick of it.

Think about it.

  • Everything shuts down for weeks.
  • You have to spend it with your family. Ew.
  • It’s destroying the world’s natural resources by making us buying lots of Made In Taiwan plastic junk that’ll be used for approx. five seconds before we tire of it and throw it away.
  • Bad, bad, BAD, BAD Christmas Television.
  • The poor Queenie having to do her annual message. She’s not a natural on camera, can she please be let off this obviously stressful duty and allowed to go and glug down a few bottles of sherry like every other OAP on Christmas Day?
  • I may have mentioned having to spend it with one’s family already but there are certain things in life that one must always make sure that other people are aware of. Like the horrors of enforced family togetherness time.

So, who’s with me? Let’s KILL JESUS!

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Yuletide Bitchin’

Posted by idetest on December 22, 2010

Hola chicos

Well today I started my Christmas Vay-Cay (Heeeey!) so I thought I’d celebrate with vodka, jesus LIST OF THINGS I DOTH HATE

Ok, mein ein kinder, it’s been a long and hard winter so far and the Lord sees fit to let it continue so I warm myself by glugging down the sweet nectar and letting my-inner-not-very-nice-person-but-good-deep-deep-deep-deep-deep-deep-down engage it’s full on hatetitude.

Hallelujah. Stuck that in yo’ pipe and smoke it, Jesus (Pronounced Hey-Zeus. You racist)

  1. The inability of humanity to subdue their base instincts while using public transport and forcing me to deal with their disguising habits while enclosed in a metal box hurtling through the underworld.
  • These include the sub categories of
  • Slightly overweight blonde girls in Ugg Boots who can’t seem to lift their feet while traipsing their fat asses around the town. For fuck’s sake lift up your fucking feet you crass, classless little plebs before I take those ugly pieces of filth of your feet and ram them down your over-used piehole of a mouth. You slags (said in a Barbara Windsor voice).
  • Them what make out on public transport (particular mentions to disgustingly attractive Spanish, French, Italian and other romance language nationalities. Especially the teenagers. You fuckers, just go make a sex tape if you’re so desperate for us to see your O-face. Also mentioned: unattractive, overweight people desperate to prove they can get some. At least the continentals just go in for some kissy-kissy actions. If I wanted to see you dry hump something I’d wait in your closet until you thought you were alone with your World of Warcraft boxes. Sick)
  • Fat people. You know your crimes.
  • Tourists what don’t seem to understand basic instructions: move to the side if standing on the escalators rather than walking up them, move to the side of the platform rather than standing in the entrance with what seems like every suitcase ever made, rather than blocking it for everyone else. I hate you all. Except Germans, I quite like German ones: they apologise if you glare at them while they’re doing it and shamefacedly hurry out of the way. Bless.
  • People who seem to think we can’t see them picking their nose. Dude, you’re in a carriage with 100 other people. We’re a metre away from you. We can see you licking your fingers afterward as well. You are disgusting and when the revolution comes I shall make sure you are first in line for the firing squads.
  • TFL in general. A strike? On BOXING DAY? Oh, you utter cunts.

2. X Factor, ITV and all those who watch it. Yes, all twenty million of you. It’s terrible! The bloke who one couldn’t even sing and it seems more and more apparent that yes, Cheryl Cole is actually as dumb and chavvy as first thought and yet, YET still 1/3, ONE FUCKING THIRD of the population watched it. There must have been hospitals full of people just holding on to die just to get those sort of numbers. It’s a travesty. I refuse to partake in anything X-factor related unless it’s an official burning ceremony for all of Cheryl Cole’s hair extensions.

3. The Tories. Then again…. did you know the partner/wife/girlfriend/beard of the émigré Jew henceforth known as The-Miliband-Brother-What-Won is worth £16 million? Yeah, she’s a Paris Hilton in disguise heiress to some bizarre fortune. This may be wrong. It may be someone associated with them. But whatevs. Close enough for my liking for me to say “They are all as bad as each other.”

4. That Jodi Picoult is still writing novels.

5. Sarah Palin is still around I see.

6. The world’s continued refusal to realise how brilliant I am and that I should be listened to emphatically on all subjects.

7. The fact that people think I should find their children cute. I don’t. I’m tempted to push it in front of a car. Especially if it touches me again, if I liked children surely I’d have closed my eyes, lay back and thought of Ricky Martin (ahem) with some of psychologically unstable, obese McDonalds employee named Denise to have a few of my own by now. Obvs. that is not the case. (I swear to Allah it isn’t).

So no, the next time your only reason for living (get a life, you sad maladjusted freak) decides to LOOK at me or even worse, BREATH near me, do not be surprised if I dropkick it into the path of an oncoming large vehicular shaped thing quickly coming towards at a high speed. Because, that, that my darling is what I find cute.

8. Snowmageddon! Snowpocalypse! …Or in reality a few inches of snow. I don’t understand why every year the newspapers go mad. It’s just frozen rain, you don’t need to run articles saying (as was in the Daily Express this morning) that Christmas would be ruined and we were facing a zombie apocalypse because soon the supermarkets would have empty shelves. Huh, frankly that would be a good thing for most people if we all lived on our fat reserves for a few days. A collective national detox. Most wonderful.

9. Americans. British slang. It’s just painful for everyone. This also goes for British people being obsessed with Americanisms…and more recently Australianisms: Aforementioned bloody Ugg Boots. Ugh.

10. Christmas time in general. No, I don’t want to spend hundreds of pounds on shitty gifts for friends and family that they don’t want or need, no I don’t want to have to wait several weeks for everyone to come back to work and to sober up. I want my services and I want them open NOW! No, I don’t care about NYE. I spend my life staying up till midnight and drunkenly saluting the clock going “Well, you win another day, monsieur (*suddenly points out arm and waves finger menacingly*) But my time shall come!” I don’t see why I should have to do it with the rest of humanity on this particular night.

There’s also the usual rant about how capitalism is evil, etc, etc in there as well. Just look for it. Read between the lines.

Good night.

Now fuck off.

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