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Posts Tagged ‘Americans’

Because Life’s Too Short To Not Have Mary-Kate In It

Posted by idetest on January 18, 2012

Hola, totes soz for the radio static.

Totes not sorry, come find me here so I can apologise; http://ohsoprofound.tumblr.com/

Come find me! We’ll braid each other’s hair and talk about boys. And strange and unsightly rashes that occur after having braided one’s hair, but before doing anything that needs talking about with boys.

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Oh, Look, Another Video.

Posted by idetest on May 31, 2011

 

If this video doesn’t make sense to you then chances are we wouldn’t be friends. Just sayin’.

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The Gays Be Doing Their Thang

Posted by idetest on April 4, 2011

So I’ve had this conversation many a time.

 

The dark-haired guy is kinda cute in a white trash goes prep via a meth addiction kinda way. Which is very in right now. But alas his bottom teeth look a little funky. And as he is not physically perfect in every way he is dead to me.

Also-man bags FTW!

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Invade Canada Now. Or Die In The Eventual War (I’m going for subtle here, too much?)

Posted by idetest on March 23, 2011

I found this here.  I agree with everything it says. In fact, I do not think it goes far enough

Canada is also:

1) Full of maniacal serial killers (who are then captured by Angelina Jolie). Also people what do decapatations on intercity buses.

2) Second largest country, area wise, in the world. What are they hiding that they need so much space for?

3) Full of Catholics

4) Home to a nation of people that thinks men body slamming each other agaisnt a pane of glass is a healthy sport while carrying 6 ft sticks. Obviously borderline psychopaths and probably driven mad by the cold.

5) Probably in cahoots with the Russians, the Chinese or the Jews. Probably all three. And the Mexicans.

6) Has a socialised helath care system that it won’t shut up about (note; this is not a bad thing, but merely something what annoys moi).

All in all, I think still think we should invade.

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I Forgot I Had This Blog…

Posted by idetest on March 1, 2011

OMG, my life of late, like literally. It has so not been worth making me die. So hard. So I comfort myself with this. He’s like the gay Chelsea Handler. Who’s the blonde Kathy griffin. Who’s the alternative Tina fey. Who’s the female Conan. Who’s the American John Cleese. Who was the 1970s Noel Fielding.

 

And you want to know why I compare Noel Fielding to gay satirical comedians. Mostly cause of this:

 

 

And, yes. This is family entertainment: British TV style.

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Books I Read in 2010 (Belated. Also Catchy, Descriptive and Somewhat Mysterious Title, No?)

Posted by idetest on January 17, 2011

In list form. Because it’s my blog so you can just fuck off. In no chronological or any type of other order.

Judging me for having a short list? How am I supposed to remember what I read last January? What am I? A fucking housewife with a book club? Go fuck yourself (Besides, some of dem books is well long).

Also have you not seen how much time I spend watching TV? And going to see lame Hollywood mainstream movies. And drinking. And worrying about how much I weigh. And working 507 hours a week for minimum wage.

  • Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte). What is this shit? I wasted my time reading this for what? So I could understand Twilight better. Give me strength. Also Yorkshire accents are extremely hard to understand when written in dialect. Especially when in your head you can’t stop reading it in a Jamaican accent (It was all the apostrophes).
  • Les Liaisons dangereuses/Dangerous Liaisons (Choderlos de Laclos). It’s alright…epistle type books usually require one to use one’s brain. Especially when written in the eighteenth century. One can’t say one enjoyed this on one’s morning tube journey.
  • The Prisoner of Zenda (Anthony Hope). I dare you not to laugh.
  • The Yiddish Policeman’s Union (Michael Chabon). I thoroughly recommend this book. But then, my love for the Juden knows no rationality or bounds…
  • Without Warning (Will Napier). A tacky thriller. Do not judge me. Also, plot made no sense.
  • Girl with a Dragon Tattoo (Stieg Larsson). I read it. I can’t see what the big deal is. It was a perfectly adequate thriller/crime thing which had pretensions of being a searing socially realistic and eye opening work on the plight of women in Sweden. Howevs. A) Sweden is probs. the most equal and fair country in the world. Suck it up bitches. Also B) the main characters is a womaniser himself…and the female lead is bisexual (but mostly lesbian who is sleeping with a woman at the start) who JUST CAN’T RESIST HIS MANLINESS. Huh.

  • Washington Square (Henry James). Life is too short for this much morally outdated rubbish. Okay, it’s not that bad. Okay, it is. No, it isn’t. It’s just depressing and quite drawn out. Also the characters make you want to bang your head against a wall.

  • This Breathing World (Jose Luis De Juan) A pretentious crossover between ancient Rome and Harvard. It’s also basically gay porn in highbrow prose. Go figure.
  • The Night my Bum Dropped (Gretel Kileen). My flatmate, who was Australian, leant it to me. Therefore I am excused. Also Gretel Kileen is awesome. And she could kick Davina McCall’s arse.

  • Under western Eyes (Joseph Conrad). This was a book I was supposed to read at university which I never quite got around to doing. I read it over Christmas. Can’t say I regretted my decision from university. Boyfriend’s editor should’ve gone slash and burn on that motherfucker cos it is some seriously DRAWN OUT shit. It’s not bad, just fucking DENSE.

  • Official Book Club Section (Kathy Griffin). Catholics, alcoholism, gays, plastic surgery…I’m not embarrassed to own this book.

  • Are You There Vodka, It’s Me Chelsea? (Chelsea Handler). She’s an alcoholic…the book’s title’s a pun…on Judy Blume…gettit? Ugh.

  • My Horizontal Life (Chelsea Handler) I really like female comedians, okay?

  • New Moan (Stephfordy Mayo). A hilarious parody.

  • Scoop (Evelyn Waugh). A satirical swipe at pre war British journalism…and the British Empire. Apparently there’s a film adaptation with Woody Allen out there somewhere. Yeesh. Can’t say I’d race to track that down.

  • Sanditon (Jane Austen). I stole it from work. Can’t say I was overawed.

  • The Great Gatsby (F. Scott Fitzgerald).  This is considered a great American classic? Um.., it’s a grand total of four pages long.  And nothing happens until the last half a page.

  • Tender is the Night (F. Scott Fitzgerald). However this novel is an epic, depressing work of beauty and restraint which will have you reaching for either a tissue or a xanax. I want a movie and I want it now.

  • Daisy Miller (Henry James). Another one of these books that’s about four pages long and makes no sense as to how it’s so acclaimed. Slutty girl gets pneumonia and dies. Everyone goes I told you so. Narrator feels bad. Still thinks she was a slut who got what she deserved.

There may be more to come. I can’t remember now.

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A Selection of Audio Visual Treats For Your Entertainment

Posted by idetest on January 9, 2011

Hola, well welcome to 2011.

Yeah, it’s pretty shit.

Anyway, here’s some funny youtube clips to make up for it.

 

Because life is better with Chloe.

 

 

My beloved Downton Abbey is premiering in the USofA soon and this is the only way Americans will understand it.

 

In other news:

  • Sudan will become two countries. So twice the civil wars and genocide!
  • Thousands of birds are falling from the sky and fish dying in rivers in America. This proves Obama is a socialist apparently (Oh, and it’s the end of the world).
  • Glee comes back to UK television on Monday. And I’ll see you all in July.

 

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Yuletide Bitchin’

Posted by idetest on December 22, 2010

Hola chicos

Well today I started my Christmas Vay-Cay (Heeeey!) so I thought I’d celebrate with vodka, jesus LIST OF THINGS I DOTH HATE

Ok, mein ein kinder, it’s been a long and hard winter so far and the Lord sees fit to let it continue so I warm myself by glugging down the sweet nectar and letting my-inner-not-very-nice-person-but-good-deep-deep-deep-deep-deep-deep-down engage it’s full on hatetitude.

Hallelujah. Stuck that in yo’ pipe and smoke it, Jesus (Pronounced Hey-Zeus. You racist)

  1. The inability of humanity to subdue their base instincts while using public transport and forcing me to deal with their disguising habits while enclosed in a metal box hurtling through the underworld.
  • These include the sub categories of
  • Slightly overweight blonde girls in Ugg Boots who can’t seem to lift their feet while traipsing their fat asses around the town. For fuck’s sake lift up your fucking feet you crass, classless little plebs before I take those ugly pieces of filth of your feet and ram them down your over-used piehole of a mouth. You slags (said in a Barbara Windsor voice).
  • Them what make out on public transport (particular mentions to disgustingly attractive Spanish, French, Italian and other romance language nationalities. Especially the teenagers. You fuckers, just go make a sex tape if you’re so desperate for us to see your O-face. Also mentioned: unattractive, overweight people desperate to prove they can get some. At least the continentals just go in for some kissy-kissy actions. If I wanted to see you dry hump something I’d wait in your closet until you thought you were alone with your World of Warcraft boxes. Sick)
  • Fat people. You know your crimes.
  • Tourists what don’t seem to understand basic instructions: move to the side if standing on the escalators rather than walking up them, move to the side of the platform rather than standing in the entrance with what seems like every suitcase ever made, rather than blocking it for everyone else. I hate you all. Except Germans, I quite like German ones: they apologise if you glare at them while they’re doing it and shamefacedly hurry out of the way. Bless.
  • People who seem to think we can’t see them picking their nose. Dude, you’re in a carriage with 100 other people. We’re a metre away from you. We can see you licking your fingers afterward as well. You are disgusting and when the revolution comes I shall make sure you are first in line for the firing squads.
  • TFL in general. A strike? On BOXING DAY? Oh, you utter cunts.

2. X Factor, ITV and all those who watch it. Yes, all twenty million of you. It’s terrible! The bloke who one couldn’t even sing and it seems more and more apparent that yes, Cheryl Cole is actually as dumb and chavvy as first thought and yet, YET still 1/3, ONE FUCKING THIRD of the population watched it. There must have been hospitals full of people just holding on to die just to get those sort of numbers. It’s a travesty. I refuse to partake in anything X-factor related unless it’s an official burning ceremony for all of Cheryl Cole’s hair extensions.

3. The Tories. Then again…. did you know the partner/wife/girlfriend/beard of the émigré Jew henceforth known as The-Miliband-Brother-What-Won is worth £16 million? Yeah, she’s a Paris Hilton in disguise heiress to some bizarre fortune. This may be wrong. It may be someone associated with them. But whatevs. Close enough for my liking for me to say “They are all as bad as each other.”

4. That Jodi Picoult is still writing novels.

5. Sarah Palin is still around I see.

6. The world’s continued refusal to realise how brilliant I am and that I should be listened to emphatically on all subjects.

7. The fact that people think I should find their children cute. I don’t. I’m tempted to push it in front of a car. Especially if it touches me again, if I liked children surely I’d have closed my eyes, lay back and thought of Ricky Martin (ahem) with some of psychologically unstable, obese McDonalds employee named Denise to have a few of my own by now. Obvs. that is not the case. (I swear to Allah it isn’t).

So no, the next time your only reason for living (get a life, you sad maladjusted freak) decides to LOOK at me or even worse, BREATH near me, do not be surprised if I dropkick it into the path of an oncoming large vehicular shaped thing quickly coming towards at a high speed. Because, that, that my darling is what I find cute.

8. Snowmageddon! Snowpocalypse! …Or in reality a few inches of snow. I don’t understand why every year the newspapers go mad. It’s just frozen rain, you don’t need to run articles saying (as was in the Daily Express this morning) that Christmas would be ruined and we were facing a zombie apocalypse because soon the supermarkets would have empty shelves. Huh, frankly that would be a good thing for most people if we all lived on our fat reserves for a few days. A collective national detox. Most wonderful.

9. Americans. British slang. It’s just painful for everyone. This also goes for British people being obsessed with Americanisms…and more recently Australianisms: Aforementioned bloody Ugg Boots. Ugh.

10. Christmas time in general. No, I don’t want to spend hundreds of pounds on shitty gifts for friends and family that they don’t want or need, no I don’t want to have to wait several weeks for everyone to come back to work and to sober up. I want my services and I want them open NOW! No, I don’t care about NYE. I spend my life staying up till midnight and drunkenly saluting the clock going “Well, you win another day, monsieur (*suddenly points out arm and waves finger menacingly*) But my time shall come!” I don’t see why I should have to do it with the rest of humanity on this particular night.

There’s also the usual rant about how capitalism is evil, etc, etc in there as well. Just look for it. Read between the lines.

Good night.

Now fuck off.

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I Think I Know Her

Posted by idetest on December 21, 2010

Admit it. You’re dying to go and see her, aren’t you?

OKRRRRR!!!!

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It is darkest before the dawn…and all that shit.

Posted by idetest on November 3, 2010

So.

Sarah Palin continues her upward momentum to take over the world and kill us all because American Liberals were too ‘meh’ to get off their hypocritical fat arses and go vote. Screw you guys and your damn economy. If it wasn’t for that we could ignore you like we do every other country with puritanical mindsets and a quasi fundamentalist government.

However, in happier news: Brazil elected its first female el presidente (is it the same in Portuguese? They’re basically the same language right?). And lo and behold she’s a former Marxist Rebel! And was an unwed mother! Oh, blessed be she is going to Rip. Shit. Up.

Speaking of socialists with an agenda (Aren’t I always?) here’s a clip of the wonderful UK comedian/tv presenter and sometime drag queen Paul O’Grady giving an impassioned speech on the state of the UK.

(I apologise for the weird cuts to Parliament. I have no idea if that was in the actual broadcast or if the youtuber put them in.)

I love this man. He also rules because he calls out the gays on their stupidity regarding safe sex and HIV. And as you know my thoughts on ‘stupid gays’ are of a negative persuasion (USE A FUCKING CONDOM WHEN YOU’RE FUCKING FUCKING, YOU MORONS!).

And speaking of the gays- I am not even going to comment on Stephen Fry and his latest shenanigans. Mostly because I don’t like Stephen Fry and am glad he’s finally going to get told.  However I may give him snaps cos…

This is basically my version of the Bible

Also, no gay men, you do not get to comment on women’s sex lives. Just like as a man in general we should always hold our tongues about abortions. Well kinda…y’know it’s best not to generalise on that specific subject but you get where I was going right?

Anyway, ta ta. And God Speed.

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